Depression

More Fourth of July

Here is a movie of some of the fireworks. I just don’t feel like posting 😦

My Best Friend Is Dying

AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.

I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.

I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.

Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.

I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.

I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.

She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.

I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.

Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.

Still Gloomy

I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.

There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.

Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.

I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.

So Fucking Blech

I didn’t wake up until after 11:00am and I really didn’t wan to get up. I still don’t want to be up. I’m just getting dragged down into the pits of despair and don’t want to do anything at all.

I don’t even want to post this blog but there is not way in hell I am going to stop when I am 6 days from writing every day for a year.

Screw this depression.

Depression Day Two

Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat.  I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.

I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.

I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.

I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed.  WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer?  I have no answers…

Fucking Depressed Again

Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.

Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.

later..

Today I Hate The Sun

It’s hard to believe that this same sun I was enjoying just the day before yesterday is annoying me so much today. I’m sad, I’m having difficulty focusing and am even having a hard time putting word to blog. I hate the depression, I’ve managed to keep it at bay for a little bit but this morning I woke up slammed by sadness. I just want to curl up in bed an cry. I hurt all over and I am fighting going back to bed.

Why do I have to go from one extreme to the other, the weekend was fucking awesome and today sucks huge hairy balls.. fuck it .. I’m going back to bed.

Teetering

I’m sitting on the edge, close to a precipice looking down. There’s one scraggly tree branch to hold on too as I lean forward and back, trying to balance. Trying not to tip over and fall back into the depression which is knocking on my door.

I woke up and felt it immediately. I wanted to go back to sleep to pretend that it wasn’t knocking at the door. Yet I knew I had to get up and face the day.

We’re trapped currently. It has been snowing and our car is rear wheel drive, so as hopefully most of you know it doesn’t travel well in snow or ice. So I’m stuck. Unable to run and do something that might pick up my mood.

There are things on TV that I don’t want to watch , books I don’t want to read and games I don’t want to play. I feel lonely surrounded by people. I hate this feeling so much.

I’m hoping that I can just relax and it will pass. Maybe it will just be a bad day. It’s only half over maybe it could get better. Right?’

Delving Back Into The Deep

I woke up so morose today. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I kept thinking about ways to kill myself. I asked hubby to come home for the afternoon to just be safe.

I feel a little better now that I’ve had a glass of wine or two. I know it’s self medicating but I don’t have a choice at the moment since my shrink is out on maternity leave and I can’t get any help from the office.

I’ve asked twice for an increase in my latuda and havent heard a damn thing one way or another. The depression is way outlasting the good and with all the stress on top of it, it can be downright unbearable.

The thing that keeps me going is that I don’t want to be without my husband. It keeps me from the hospital but it also keeps me from going over the edge and killing myself. I know that is probably also unhealthy but for now it works.

I sent out christmas cards to my family tonight, even my father whom has made very little effort to be in my life. At least I got something accomplished.

Still Fucking Sad

Honestly this depression is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I woke up feeling so bleak. The sky was grey and blechy when I woke up and I felt the same way.

I thought that it might have just been a morning thing. Yet the longer the day went on the more depressed I felt. I tired listening to music and playing games again but this is such a chemical depression that I am finding a really hard time fighting it.

I did go out to visit the house with hubby today which always makes me feel hopeful but I went shopping with my MIL cash in pocket and bought fuck all. I couldn’t even get up the urge to buy. I mean buying is my thing, it’s almost an addiction for me and I couldn’t spend a dollar.

I am really hoping that I hear from the shrink tomorrow about increasing my Latuda it really seems to be one of the few choices I have in front of me. It does work on some level. Having up days seems to make the depression even worse because it’s like seeing the light for the first time and there being a Solar Eclipse a second later. It’s very tiring. I would like to be able to enjoy the holidays, here’s hoping!