Right now, things are going pretty well. I’m still kind of really having problems writing my blog.
I’ve started doing exposure therapy to solve this damn agoraphobia. It’s not going to bad. I am most anxious when I am in the car. Nebraska drivers suck.
I’m really tired of not sleeping through the night. It happens about 5 days a week. I used to come upstairs in my recliner and pass out, but the chair broke so I have to buy a new one. We did buy a weighted blanket that promptly dropped 100’s of tiny beads all over the bed. I did sleep through the night though, so we are getting a new one.
Well, I’m going to go now. I’ll write again soon.
I had a very very long depressive episode. Yes it lasted years. I went through many different meds and honestly thought that I would never be able to do anything again.
I’m now on some new meds which I will list for you at a post sometime in the future, but I am happy. Still housebound which I guess since I am in a pandemic is okay.
It’s weird being happy. I honestly don’t know what to do with it. I do have bad days and weeks still but they are no where near the levels they were before.
I am also having a lot of problems with sleep which I will also discuss in another post.
It’s nice to be back!
Here is a movie of some of the fireworks. I just don’t feel like posting 😦
AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.
I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.
I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.
Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.
I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.
I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.
She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.
I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.
Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.
I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.
There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.
Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.
I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.
I didn’t wake up until after 11:00am and I really didn’t wan to get up. I still don’t want to be up. I’m just getting dragged down into the pits of despair and don’t want to do anything at all.
I don’t even want to post this blog but there is not way in hell I am going to stop when I am 6 days from writing every day for a year.
Screw this depression.
Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat. I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.
I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.
I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.
I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed. WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer? I have no answers…
Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.
Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.
It’s hard to believe that this same sun I was enjoying just the day before yesterday is annoying me so much today. I’m sad, I’m having difficulty focusing and am even having a hard time putting word to blog. I hate the depression, I’ve managed to keep it at bay for a little bit but this morning I woke up slammed by sadness. I just want to curl up in bed an cry. I hurt all over and I am fighting going back to bed.
Why do I have to go from one extreme to the other, the weekend was fucking awesome and today sucks huge hairy balls.. fuck it .. I’m going back to bed.
I’m sitting on the edge, close to a precipice looking down. There’s one scraggly tree branch to hold on too as I lean forward and back, trying to balance. Trying not to tip over and fall back into the depression which is knocking on my door.
I woke up and felt it immediately. I wanted to go back to sleep to pretend that it wasn’t knocking at the door. Yet I knew I had to get up and face the day.
We’re trapped currently. It has been snowing and our car is rear wheel drive, so as hopefully most of you know it doesn’t travel well in snow or ice. So I’m stuck. Unable to run and do something that might pick up my mood.
There are things on TV that I don’t want to watch , books I don’t want to read and games I don’t want to play. I feel lonely surrounded by people. I hate this feeling so much.
I’m hoping that I can just relax and it will pass. Maybe it will just be a bad day. It’s only half over maybe it could get better. Right?’