October was not that great to be honest. I was depressed most of the time and spent many, well every day stoned off my ass.
November I started to feel something different. Not quite full happiness but I was wanting to do somethings and be involved. I laughed often. I was also stoned off my ass every day.
Today I am sad. I have legit reasons to feel sad. I’m lonely. My mom left. You know legit shit like that. I hope the meds are working and this is just normal emotions, I’ve felt numb for so long it is hard to tell what is what.
I have way more reasons I should be happy and yet here I am, not happy. Also feeling guilty about not writing while my mom visited as much. I only get so little time with her though.
I’ve signed up for another year for my blog so I guess I’m going to be here for a awhile.
Not in the mood to blog. Just wanna get high and listen to music by myself.
My moms visit is going well, I just think she may be bored ya know? I am planning on going to the zoo next week though.
Watching the world series. I don’t like baseball but it’s history happening in my lifetime no matter what happens so worth watching the final game. Gonna go back to watching that. Good luck to whomever has a stake in it.
I am not sure if the new antidepressant is doing anything but I’ve only been on it for like 10 days. I’ll wait and see what happens when we get to the full dosage.
Don’t even know if I have been posting daily or not. I’ve been pretty much high morning til night. I hope I haven’t missed too much. I run out later tonight and then I am not getting any until mom comes for a visit in October. That’ll be a decent break.
I’m so lonely. I want to go out and do things and have fun. I’m tired of being in the house by myself all the time. I feel like I am going crazy.
I think trying to bury my head in weed over my friends impending death was a mistake. I’ve just spend every single day high and stagnant. Today I am not going to do that dammit.
Today I cried over watching someone doing something outside on TV. There is nothing to walk to here and I don’t drive though so I don’t know what to do.
How do I stop feeling so lonely?
AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.
I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.
I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.
Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.
I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.
I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.
She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.
I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.
Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.