Month: April 2016


Typically my day consists of sleeping until noon and then watching the same 3 shows every since afternoon.  It kills time until hubby gets home and sort of keeps me busy.

Weekends are much harder. Hubby is here but he wants to do things on his computer and shows that I have no interest in. I’d be fine with that if weekend TV didn’t suck when it’s not football season.

My house is a freaking mess. I need to clean it but am so unmotivated to do anything physical.

My shrink wants me to take my latuda and 2mg of Xanax first thing in the morning, it’s made me kind of sleepy feeling all day but I’m also restless. It’s a very strange feeling.

I watched DeadPool with my hubby and could not sit still for more than a minute, it’s driving me crazy.

Saw My Shrink Today

First off I am super proud of myself for actually going.  I had forgotten how much I like her. I’ve even made a follow up appt.

She increased my Latuda to 80, lowered my Wellbutrin to 150 and left the Pristiq the same. She also wants me to change how I take my Xanax 2mg  in the morning and then gave me an extra .05 for mid day.

I talked to her about the fact that I have been sick and she thinks that it is because of all the anxiety I am constantly putting myself under. So we are going to work on that and the depression.

Honestly ever since my best friend and dog died I haven’t felt like myself at all. I’m always afraid.

Did you know that the stomach has more serotonin receptors than the brain which is why someone like me can make themselves sick I guess.

I’m still going to the doctors monday so they can at least do some blood work and maybe help on their end.

I’ve Been Sick For Months

I have had a lot of bottom problems and vomiting and the inability to want to eat anything. If I smoke weed I can eat. However this is yet another weedless day.

I’ve been avoiding it, hoping it would fix itself but now I’ve actually made the Dr’s appt to get checked out on Monday. I likely won’t learn anything then but getting the ball rolling is what I need to do.

I may be terrified of people but I’m more terrified of dying and for a depressed person to say that means I still got some fight..

Tomorrow is my shrink appt so Fists up.


Today I am angry. I woke up and felt so anxious that I screamed at the top of my lungs scaring the shit out of my poor dogs. It helped a little I suppose.

Most of the day has just been spent on the web trying to find things that might make me smile or laugh.

I love animal pictures and stories. You know the happy ones. Of course I came across some sad ones that were also happy, you know like a dog getting abandoned and then getting rescued by some kind souls.

I almost hate people who hurt animals. They fucking love us with everything, we should treat them as good as they were our own children. The fact that people can be like that just makes me wonder if the world wouldn’t be better if all the humans were gone.

I’m angry that my mind has so much control over me. I mean I know it controls everything but I’m talking about those voices that constantly talk in our heads. I’d like my brain to give me an atta girl once in a while, would be nice.

I plan on being 2 more days without weed. It has made no difference other than I can’t eat as much and since I am losing weight I would like to keep going. I am over 50 pounds down now. I guess that is an accomplishment. Would be much better if I could stop hating myself.



Anxiety Period

Right now as I write this I am having an anxiety attack. I can barely breathe, my whole body is covered with sweat and my heart is pounding. I feel like I should run away. Fight or Flight right? I’m fighting. It’s hard though. When I am having one of these it makes me feel so helpless.

I cried today, it didn’t help much and made my nose clog.. I was hoping I would feel better afterwards but I really didn’t.

Again I have not smoked any weed today. I’m trying to see if I can just wait until the weekend and try to deal with everything else with my brain.

I have posted this picture before but it describes how I feel exactly.


Still Feeling Slightly Hopeless.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly better physically but my brain is being a real asshole. I had 3 panic attacks in 2 hours. I honestly thought that I would be able to get past all that. When I was non medicated I didn’t have as many panic attacks. In fact most days I was able to go out and do something, somewhere.

I did take my dogs outside and walked to the mailbox. So something was accomplished today.

I’m so afraid all the time, it’s so tiring.

Anxiety Galore

Today has not been a good day for me. I’ve had a lot of anxiety. I mean a lot. I have tried to keep my mind occupied but it only works for a short period of time and then it creeps back. I forced myself to go out for a walk with hubby to burn some of my extra anxiety. It helped for a little bit.

I’m annoyed and sad and actually a little angry for feeling like shit all the time.

Have I mentioned that sometimes I get so in my head that I can’t eat. I find everything disgusting. I don’t even want sweets. The good news is I’m down on my weight, the bad news is I can only really eat when I”m high. I didn’t smoke today so I can’t eat.  This is probably only the fourth or fifth time I’ve gone a day without smoking but it really makes a difference. I can tell because today I haven’t smoked a thing. I want to but I want to prove that I don’t need it. Know what I mean?

Tomorrow’s got to be a better day,

Frustrating Day

Yesterday after going for a walk in the morning, I also went to CVS and went inside and shopped and stuff. I was a really good day.

Today I woke up and felt defeated almost immediately. I don’t know what the heck goes on with my brain honestly. I’m always my worst critic!

I keep having anxiety every time I think about going to the shrinks. I know I need to go but until it happens I will likely make it a much bigger problem than it will actually turn out to be.

Trying to think positive, not going very well so far.. The day’s not over yet.

I’m Walking

I woke up this morning and I had to get out of the house, likes minutes after I awoke. Luckily hubby was home and able to walk around the block with me. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it by myself, I’m so thankful he is here. This summer goal is to walk to the corner house and back by myself several times.

Since I’ve come home I’ve been wandering around aimlessly. I’m feel pretty good emotionally actually. I’m gonna try and hold on to that and maybe get something done. I don’t know what yet, but the walk was definitely my high point so far.

Caring About Things

I’m starting to care about some things again. The first being my health, both mental and physical. I’m nervous about visiting my shrink but I know that I need adjustments. I also need to make an appt for my yearly physical.

Prince died today and it freaked me out. The whole flu like symptoms thing covers so much. Add an anxiety attack and bam I’m gonna die. My mind goes there fast. Anyone else have a brain that goes to the worst possible outcome?

I find that I am pacing a lot. I want to do things but have no idea what to do or where to start most of the time. Too many options is almost as bad as none at times. Least I am getting exercise lol.