panic attack

Anxiety Galore

Today has not been a good day for me. I’ve had a lot of anxiety. I mean a lot. I have tried to keep my mind occupied but it only works for a short period of time and then it creeps back. I forced myself to go out for a walk with hubby to burn some of my extra anxiety. It helped for a little bit.

I’m annoyed and sad and actually a little angry for feeling like shit all the time.

Have I mentioned that sometimes I get so in my head that I can’t eat. I find everything disgusting. I don’t even want sweets. The good news is I’m down on my weight, the bad news is I can only really eat when I”m high. I didn’t smoke today so I can’t eat.  This is probably only the fourth or fifth time I’ve gone a day without smoking but it really makes a difference. I can tell because today I haven’t smoked a thing. I want to but I want to prove that I don’t need it. Know what I mean?

Tomorrow’s got to be a better day,

Find Calm

I’m obviously pretty stressed out. Having a home built. Living with my mother in law. Those are just a few of the things in my hefty load of stress.

My therapist said that I need to find something to de-stress myself. It’s hard. I have some games to play, i can paint and I like to play this thing called star something or other, it’s a karaoke game.I like singing, but then it makes me feel bad cause while I can get 3 stars on a lot of songs, I know I am not very good and it records you visually and audibly and it brings back those feelings of self-hate that I am trying so hard to fight.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like my insides are going to melt into acidic mush if I don’t find find something to do. I just wish I had the will, or the positive feels I were feeling last week. Some motivation would be nice but I’m tired and I’m stressed and I just don’t want to bother.

I even had a panic attack today at my therapy session. It sucked balls. This was after a xanax and a clonazepam. Ya I’m stressed.

Anxiety From Hell

Last night we were startled awake by an earthquake, it only lasted a few seconds upsetting the dogs and leaving hubby wondering why they were freaking out. Honestly the man can sleep through anything. I calmly said it’s just an earthquake and everyone went back to sleep. I got 2 hours last night, woot woot. (she says sarcastically)

This morning hubbies mom was wondering if we were ok, turns out there was a 4.7 several miles from here and it made the news. I don’t know why but it freaked me out and started one of the worst panic attacks I have had for a while. Of course I was also out of my clonazepam which didn’t help.

So I sat there for about an hour, heart racing, gasping breaths like they wouldn’t come fast enough and sweating like a football player. I am still kind of shaken about it to be honest. I just kept thinking OMG I am going to die and there will be no one here to save me. I have said in previous posts that I have a huge fear of death. I think most people fear it but I don’t know that they obsessively think about it the way I do. ( I am sure there are more like me though ).

Finally I took two antihistamines and fell asleep. I’ve only gotten about 6 hours in the last few days so it helped in two ways. I managed to get a couple hours in and got through the panic attack.

Anxiety has made me what I am today which is a shy person who is afraid to go out most of the time. I have been working on exposure therapy which has allowed me to move around my neighborhood as long as I follow the exact same path each time I go.

I was going to start working out today but I am sick with a cold or flu, not sure which just know I feel like someone has kicked the hell out of me. I have/had sarcoidosis so I am fairly pain tolerant but I imagine all the stress has just beat the shit out of my immune system. I suppose the one good thing about being around people is you don’t end up sick as often as I do. C’est La Vie.

I am going to make a promise to myself though. I will be giving up sugar, caffeine and grains moving forward. I need to start working on my physical health as well as my mental. I want to be a vibrant healthy crazy woman.

Even though the anxiety is coming back I am feeling emotionally better today, this and the lack of sleep seem to go hand in hand. I hope that I get a bit of hypomania to give me some energy.

Hopefully I don’t have anymore panic attacks before my script gets filled but sadly I think my brain will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy since I can’t get it out of my head.

Panic Attack!

Mood : Silly and Stressed

The is a song by a band called Dream Theatre. I thought whoever wrote them had it pretty spot on, for me anyhow.

All wound up
On the edge

Sleep disturbed
Restless mind

Bouts of fear
All I see

Threatens me

I am paralyzed
So afraid to die

Caught off guard
Warning signs
Never show

Tension strikes
Choking me
Worries grow

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly so uptight

Rapid heartbeat pounding through my chest
Agitated body in distress
I feel like I’m in danger
Daily life is strangled by my stress

A stifling surge
Shooting through all my veins
Extreme apprehension
Suddenly I’m insane

Lost all hope for redemption
A grave situation desperate at best

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly reeling

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

My official diagnosis is.. Bipolar, With Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia. I remember the first time that I had a panic attack I thought I was about to die. I couldn’t breathe the air around me was so thick , I felt like my head was in a box and my heart pounded. My body reacted by making me incredibly nauseated and other disgusting things I won’t mention. Let’s say going anywhere for any period of time more than 15 mins was completely out.

I used to probably get about 15-20 a day and they always seemed like that would last forever, in fact it felt like I was never recovering from them at all. I never learned how to deal with them until the last couple years and for some reason regardless of how crappy my meds are working on my depression and mania my panic attacks have lessened in frequency and length. I still have to pop a clonazepam every day but I take it usually as a preventive measure as opposed to during the attack. This might just be a psychological thing for me, either way it makes me feel better about my exposure therapy.

I think now more than before I have the fear of having a panic attack before trying new things. Which means walks outside are as I have said a great accomplishment for me.

My mother is going to be here next Saturday and I am starting to get really stressed out which means lucid dreams, waking up with panic attacks and feeling like I’m buzzing, like when you have way to much caffeine. Even though this is a good thing, I know I will have to push myself to entertain them. Which usually ends up with weeks of recovery afterward.  Which I will barely get before my mother in laws wedding.

My mother in law is having a wedding in Vegas sometime coming up in April  and I need to go to that, it is going to be horrific. Yes negative thinking I know. However she really doesn’t understand me all that well and I am not 100% sure she really wants to. She is also the one person my husband has a hard time standing up to, though it has gotten better over the years. She originally hated me and now thinks I am a wonderful daughter-in-law but she likes to pretend mental illness doesn’t exist. She herself had a huge depressive episode when her kids were younger and couldn’t even more out of the bed, you would think it would make her more understanding, but not so much.

I am dreading it, though I do love the interaction with other people at least for short periods of time and under my own limits and control. If I want to leave I can normally. The wedding I think I can handle. It’s the stuff after that is going to be incredibly stressful for me. I am hoping after talking to my shrink that my treatment will be along far enough that the bipolar part of me keeps it’s ugly head under control.  So do you have or know someone that just isn’t willing to understand any of your illness’s? I know a lot of people have the whole get over it attitude but it you had cancer you should as hell wouldn’t be telling someone that very same thing. .. Anyhow this post got way longer than I intended. Listen to the song if you don’t mind a little heavier rock I think you’ll enjoy it!