promise

Slip Sliding Away

My mood went from meh to downright deep depression. My daughter wished me Happy Mothers Day and I cried. Then I took my Lithium and went back to bed. My husband didn’t even notice I was gone.. Wonderful.

A few hours later I see him but it is because my mother is on the phone returning my call. I tried to sound upbeat while talking to her but honestly I just wanted to get off the phone and go back sleep.

I knew it was coming back but I was kind of hoping it would just be a lil bit, instead of full blown don’t even want to deal with life shit. Everything looks and feels hopeless.. I have to go out today and take pictures and I cant work the strength. I will do it, I wouldn’t let her down for any reason.

This makes me feel hateful, and tearful and angry and like I am at the bottom of a very deep well.  So dark like smokey ghosts surrounding me and cutting off my emotional attachments.. fuck.. I think I said that in my post earlier.. fuck.. normally it makes me feel better, right now.. it doesn’t. I need to go take those pictures maybe the sun will help..

I feel like I am going to throw up.. I just feel blech..

Anxiety From Hell

Last night we were startled awake by an earthquake, it only lasted a few seconds upsetting the dogs and leaving hubby wondering why they were freaking out. Honestly the man can sleep through anything. I calmly said it’s just an earthquake and everyone went back to sleep. I got 2 hours last night, woot woot. (she says sarcastically)

This morning hubbies mom was wondering if we were ok, turns out there was a 4.7 several miles from here and it made the news. I don’t know why but it freaked me out and started one of the worst panic attacks I have had for a while. Of course I was also out of my clonazepam which didn’t help.

So I sat there for about an hour, heart racing, gasping breaths like they wouldn’t come fast enough and sweating like a football player. I am still kind of shaken about it to be honest. I just kept thinking OMG I am going to die and there will be no one here to save me. I have said in previous posts that I have a huge fear of death. I think most people fear it but I don’t know that they obsessively think about it the way I do. ( I am sure there are more like me though ).

Finally I took two antihistamines and fell asleep. I’ve only gotten about 6 hours in the last few days so it helped in two ways. I managed to get a couple hours in and got through the panic attack.

Anxiety has made me what I am today which is a shy person who is afraid to go out most of the time. I have been working on exposure therapy which has allowed me to move around my neighborhood as long as I follow the exact same path each time I go.

I was going to start working out today but I am sick with a cold or flu, not sure which just know I feel like someone has kicked the hell out of me. I have/had sarcoidosis so I am fairly pain tolerant but I imagine all the stress has just beat the shit out of my immune system. I suppose the one good thing about being around people is you don’t end up sick as often as I do. C’est La Vie.

I am going to make a promise to myself though. I will be giving up sugar, caffeine and grains moving forward. I need to start working on my physical health as well as my mental. I want to be a vibrant healthy crazy woman.

Even though the anxiety is coming back I am feeling emotionally better today, this and the lack of sleep seem to go hand in hand. I hope that I get a bit of hypomania to give me some energy.

Hopefully I don’t have anymore panic attacks before my script gets filled but sadly I think my brain will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy since I can’t get it out of my head.