I’m Falling Apart

Last night when I tried to go to sleep I ended up paralyzed on my back trying to scream for my husband in absolute terror.  Of course he never heard a thing because you can’t even whisper let alone scream. I don’t even know why it happened, I thought I had gotten enough sleep.

Today I had a major breakdown.  I just sobbed and sobbed trying to remember who I was. I just don’t feel like me.  I am just in that little bubble watching my mind tear itself a part trying to figure out a way to fix everything.  At this moment I feel hopeless and just want to take some sleeping meds and then sleep until I feel better.  Whenever that is going to happen.

My cycles are so radical I can never tell. I just know when I feel good I hope it lasts forever and it quickly lets me down.

Those damn men were yelling and cheering and annoying the shit out of me again today, it made me actually get up and scream shut of the fuck up out my window.. Not once but three times. I tried contacting the office here, no one answered.. I tried writing an email and that email bounced back with a I’m not here right now call the office.

Honestly the last thing I need when I am like this is sound. I hate the way people sound when they are en mass. I can barely tolerate it when I am up and even then I have to have music in the background so I can focus. I wanted to cut a bitch. Seriously though.. I just breathed and lay back down and sat there for a couple hours doing nothing, just staring off into space. Waiting for my husband to get home and save me with a little levity and contact.  I feel numb and cold and spacey.. I imagine this is very much what a porcelain doll feels, fragile and empty.

He’s gonna end up leaving me, I am such a strain on his life..

He’s on his way home and wanted to know what I wanted to eat, baby carrots.. that’s it. I have all of a sudden gotten this distaste for meat, well for most anything but meat most especially, It’s been going on for over a week now and seems to be getting worse. Which is bad cause our freezer is packed with meat thanks to his mothers need to send it for gifts for every occasion.  blech

How bad is bad? I’m afraid I don’t know. I just know that each time I go into the pit of hell, it gets darker and more painful.

 

5 comments

  1. Oh no … sounds like yr brain is giving you a very hard time . Have you got a good psyc… I would denand emergency appointment if I was in same state. Not telling you what to do but think u deserve a more peaceful mind thats all … take care and get some music and headphones if u can to at least drown out anoying bloody men!!!

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      1. I dont know about America bit here its hard to get a good one. Word of mouth works so check out local forums maybe. I have one that is pretty great but if I had an emergency I would just see my gp who has my history .. and will perscribe what I ask mostly. For emergency brain icks I will take clonazepam …just for a week or so on top of regular seroquel …

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      2. Right now I am looking for one that at least specializes on my disorders and isn’t like 80 years old, honestly the age thing is a real issue. I don’t have a GP because if I have a problem I just go to the walk-in, maybe that is something I should find as well.

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