Mood: I’m outta bed that’s something

Most people my age are already well into their lives, kids, career, home.. I had dreams, I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be a veterinarian, I wanted to be a song writer, I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be something.. Anything but what I am.

The fact that when I am manic, like many bipolars, I have such grand ideas. I have bought so many beads planning to make jewelry, tons of stuff to make perfume. Let’s add candle making, painting, photography and computer graphics (at least I still use PS6 ) and the start of more novels then I can remember. I’ve mostly just spent a lot of money on closet space holders. Which if you know LA Apartment is not a lot of room! Half my stuff is spreading to other rooms.

I start working out and then buy like a gazillion video tapes, I might even stick to it for a couple of weeks. I have 3 different Shaun T videos. There will be no time soon I am even going to be close to doing insanity, but well I my thought was I would get there eventually.  Must HAVE it.

Even when I start a job, I work as a phone sex operator, as it’s the only thing I can find to do with my situation. So I buy books so I can excel at it. I buy websites so I can advertise and be noticed. I buy props and software so I can be all I can be. Then I soon realize that the job makes me feel like shit.. Like complete shit..  I hate lying, I hate pretending to be something I am not and that is all that job is about. You don’t make friends, the other woman consider you competition so you talk to men all day who are married or just plain sick in the head and try not to feel like your soul is being sucked from your body.

I did vlogs for a while, but I hate the way I look so much that I was always deleting the videos and couldn’t look the camera in the eye, making them even more awkward.

I want to be a productive member of society. I want to be able to help my husband look after us. I want to be able to help buy our next home. I want to be good at something.  Living on idea’s doesn’t do anything for me or anyone else.  I have no idea what I want to do or be. I feel like I’ll be of retirement age before I even figure it out.

I couldn’t even finish public school because I got beat up by about 20 kids and it was kick them out or me.. Guess who they picked.

I’m not ignorant or anything like that. I think that I have a decent vocabulary and can write quite well when the mood takes. I am horrible at math though. So any career with math involved is pretty much out. I have so many out of body experiences that I am clumsy which puts out a lot of other careers. Plus the needing my husband to go out thing, maybe we could work somewhere together, I am sure he wouldn’t mind more hours on his already too long work week.  *sarcasm so doesn’t work well with print*

I hope that they get my meds to a point where I can be a real part of society but then that is just another thing in the long line of things to do when all I want to do live that dream that so many people take for granted.