I noticed the year that I wrote my blog every day I felt more I guess free would be the word.
Lately I’ve started to fall into my depressive stumblings, where I do nothing but lay on the couch all day counting the minutes until hubby gets home. Nothing changes when he gets here mind you. He goes on his computer and I usually watch the same shows I do every night.
I feel like every day is a circle. I just keep doing the same thing every single day. Get up, get high, wait for hubby, mix repeat.
I’m hoping if I start writing again that I will be able to find a small break in the circle and find some freedom again.
Today I woke up anxious, sad and very angry. Like punch someone in the face angry. I realised I was having a manic day after my one good mood day. Frustrating to say the least. I screamed and cried and fought the urge to hit someone and eventually it passed. I tried to think of more positive things to bring myself to a better mood. It worked today anyhow.
At least until tonight when I was trying to watch the walking dead. The mood is set, the surround sound on and the lights turned off. You have to watch it wtihout questioning, you just let yourself sink into the show and lose it. I was doing just that when MIL starts questioning everything. It really took me out of the mood and ruined the rest of the show for me and as you know, it was an emotional night if you are watching.
2 weeks, 4 days to go….
I woke up this morning, sad as usual and dragging myself out of the comfort of dreaming.
Right now I have no idea how I am feeling. I am by myself and that always gives me a low gauge on my emotions. Interacting always brings out how I am actually feeling. Usually Jim brings out the best of me even if I am depressed.
On a good note I have gotten a lot done today.
- I got some painting done.
- I did a drawing.
- I cooked some sausage for dinner.
- I did some laundry.
- I put laundry away and tidied my room.
I think that puts me a little outside of depression but it’s only 3pm and I’m bored and lonely. Laundry takes a while to be done and do the rest. I ran out of paint and can’t work on my painting and dinner isn’t for a few hours to finish it. I think tomorrow I’ll start working out. Today I am gonna just watch some TV and wait for hubby to pick me up and take me to Michael’s and the house.
Moods are weird. Wish I could read them better.
Do you ever have one of those days where everything is super annoying? I mean I feel ok emotionally but I can’t speak my mind freely and it’s frustrating to not be able to be yourself?
I AM BIPOLAR
I AM BISEXUAL
I HAVE TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AND CHANGED MY MIND
There that is off my chest.
Opinions are like assholes everyone has one and most are full of shit.
I hate my bipolar moods, they are always so annoying. Even the positive ones can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I’m not taking the lithium anymore, day 3 waking up grumpy. My shrink said to go down to half of 300 if it started affecting my mood but I think I’ll just go with the increasing of the Latuda plan.
Why I hate my moods
Right now I am post manic, which means everything is fucking miserable and I’m on the edge. I could seriously hurt someone or myself when I’m like this, even the smallest thing could cause me to fucking lose it. I wish someone could feel how painful everything is right now. Even my joy over the house is deadened and it just feel like more of a pain to wait. The joy has been sucked out of my life. Even sometimes I think death would be better than this. I fight though.
I was ok. Why I couldn’t I be satisfied with that? IT was sparkling or joyful but it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t having a ton of negative thoughts running through my head. When everything is ok at least life is tolerable.
When I was happy, I kept waiting for the bad moods to come. Instead of enjoying each moment. Instead of sucking in all the happy and going with the flow I just looked around every corner for the negative.
I look forward to my hypo-manic where everything is wonderful and there are rainbows and puppies. Nothing can get past my glorious armor of joy! I can write and I can draw and I sing and am happy and am funny and smart and pretty. These don’t happen often enough and I usually end up in a ton of trouble.
When I’m depressed it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I cry over everything and I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want anything to do with anyone (except hubby). I don’t clean myself or brush my hair. I wear the same set of pj’s day in and day out. Everything is hopeless. These have been the longest lasting emotion but has been gone for a little bit.
I wonder what this post mania will turn into. Either way waking up tomorrow in any mood but this is preferable. I’ll take ok. I’ll try to be better to it this time.
I don’t know that this would have been as easy as it has been if we were in our house and I was alone. This has been pretty good though. I haven’t had a ton of anger or sadness about hubby being away and I’ve been able to sleep. All things that have been hard on me in the past. I don’t know maybe it is the meds working too. I seem to be on a more even keel.
I see my therapist tomorrow about a mood stabilizer which should also help with the mood stability.
I am thrilled hubby is coming home tonight. It won’t be until late but at least he will be curled up beside me when I am in bed.
I’ve been talking to my BFF about ADHD and wanting to work in the future. I really can only work from home currently but anything to help bring in the money again will be good. I hope I can avoid the phone sex but I think that I would do about anything if I could focus on it for more than 5-15 mins. I’ll talk to my therapist about it all though.
Really looking forward to tomorrow and maybe getting something else straightened out with my bipolarity.
I usually don’t make resolutions because honestly usually by the second week in January I have failed and am beating myself up. I realized that I make really big ones that are hard to do anytime. Like the common.. I’ll lose weight. My brain just can’t wrap itself around it. I have tried for years and haven’t been successful. So my resolutions will be smaller, easier to manage.
I gave up caffiene (I think) a few month ago. It’s been at least a couple. I didn’t think I could handle it, but it really interferes with the way my brain works and I don’t want to make things even harder on the meds meant to fix me.
So here are my resolutions.
1) Give up potatoes. I can do this, I’ve mostly stopped getting fries when I get meals so just going to expand on that.
2) I am going to try and breathe more. Like instead of freaking out and being angry or annoyed all the time I am going to take a moment out to myself, turn on some music or just have a nap and breathe. Stepping away is something I’ve been avoiding because I dread being alone. I make myself so much more than I need to.
3) I’m going to continue blogging every day. I am hoping to start my writing and picture blog back up when we get in the house and I have access to my computer. This one will keep going every day. I find that most days I actually look forward to writing. There are the ones I dread but then I feel proud of myself for doing it regardless of how I am feeling.
That’s it, nothing special, just three smallish resolutions to start the new year off. I think I can do these. Once I get into my home I may add more things to the list, but honestly there isn’t a lot of possibility of them happening whilst living in someone else’s home.
Do you think you make realistic resolutions if you made any?
Happy New Year Everyone! Who would have thought that we would have made it to another year. I certainly was questioning whether or not I was going to.
Tonight has been filled with the fun and noise of family. Lots of kids and adults all talking, plus music and dogs barking. Add in the PS4 on surround sound and it is way to over stimulating for my bipolar brain. I promised myself I can deal with it until midnight as I want to see the new year in with hubby and the people I love.
So I hope you are all feeling hopeful about your health in the coming year. I know I am.
Hugs all around!
I think I spelled mood stabilizers wrong in the title so I apologize lol. Right now I realize it is the one really important thing I am missing with my treatment. My moods are swinging all over the place and so rapidly I don’t know how to react from moment to moment.
I have been on them in the past but they were not successful because the bipolar depression was so bad. Now that is getting better it is time to deal with the constant spinning of my brain.
I’d love to hear from anyone on mood stabilizers that are working successfully. I’m not really sure where to start again.
I’ve been all over the place today and when I go back to see my shrink after the new year I would love to have some suggestions. I know everyone is different but I have an open mind when it comes to my treatment.
Maybe it is just me but I am sensitive when it comes to my bipolarity and depression. While I can appreciate that everyone suffers differently from it I don’t like to hear any of the following sentences.
“She is sicker than you.”
“Their depression is harder on them then yours is.”
“They’ve tried to kill themselves more than you.”
“They’ve had to be hospitalized.”
I just find it so offensive that someone thinks they know what I am going through cause some fucking movie star starts telling their story of bipolarity.
My mother in law often compares my illness to that of Catherine zeta Jones and it pisses me off. I hide the way I feel from everyone but my husband, so I am so incredibly hurt when she says things like that. I don’t know what to do about her insensitivity. Right now I am just sitting here stewing over it. Which honestly helps no one. Yet I know that I can’t say anything to her about it because of the kind of person she is.