Should Have Been Fine With OK

I hate my bipolar moods, they are always so annoying. Even the positive ones can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I’m not taking the lithium anymore, day 3 waking up grumpy. My shrink said to go down to half of 300 if it started affecting my mood but I think I’ll just go with the increasing of the Latuda plan.

Why I hate my moods

Right now I am post manic, which means everything is fucking miserable and I’m on the edge. I could seriously hurt someone or myself when I’m like this, even the smallest thing could cause me to fucking lose it. I wish someone could feel how painful everything is right now. Even my joy over the house is deadened and it just feel like more of a pain to wait. The joy has been sucked out of my life. Even sometimes I think death would be better than this. I fight though.

I was ok. Why I couldn’t I be satisfied with that? IT was sparkling or joyful but it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t having a ton of negative thoughts running through my head. When everything is ok at least life is tolerable.

When I was happy, I kept waiting for the bad moods to come. Instead of enjoying each moment. Instead of sucking in all the happy and going with the flow I just looked around every corner for the negative.

I look forward to my hypo-manic where everything is wonderful and there are rainbows and puppies. Nothing can get past my glorious armor of joy! I can write and I can draw and I sing and am happy and am funny and smart and pretty. These don’t happen often enough and I usually end up in a ton of trouble.

When I’m depressed it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I cry over everything and I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want anything to do with anyone (except hubby). I don’t clean myself or brush my hair. I wear the same set of pj’s day in and day out. Everything is hopeless. These have been the longest lasting emotion but has been gone for a little bit.

I wonder what this post mania will turn into. Either way waking up tomorrow in any mood but this is preferable. I’ll take ok. I’ll try to be better to it this time.

2 comments

  1. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been through the feelings you describe…..you are in my thoughts tonight and I pray that tomorrow you wake up feeling at the very least okay. xo

    Like

  2. i DO know what you feel like. pretty much exactly.i ruin things by being sure they’ll be awful without giving them a chance. my husband calls it, “borrowing trouble.” i think it’s a common feeling. i do it all the time. i’m doing it right now. got some stuff on my mind some of it is stressful and so i’m sure the world is in turmoil and i don’t care about anything. there is NOTHING that could make me feel better. i know it will change and i will swing up, but sometimes that;s so rare. and then if it stays, it’s there until i’m seriously psychotic.

    big hugs!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s