Tonight I went over to my mother in laws and had Thanksgiving dinner. It was lovely and the food was delish. I was drunk before we ate. The wine just slid down my throat so easily, you know how that can be when you are anxious.
My niece hugged me tonight and it made me feel wonderful.
It was a good day all in all. There was some Skip-bo. I’m not sure if that is the correct spelling of it, but it was fun. I didn’t win and I didn’t care. It was just chill.
Mom in law sent us home with food stuffs and a couple of bottles of wine. I know what I’m doing tomorrow. I’ll be out of weed again.
Should I get more or just give my brain some time to figure out the new med, let me know your opinion.
Today I woke up and I was feeling OK. Not great, not even good really, just OK.
Right now I have a headache from hell though so I’m not going to write very much.
Maybe the mood means I’m coming back around, not going to hold my breath though. Last time I thought that it didn’t happen. Maybe it’s never going to happen again.. I don’t know I’m feeling kind of negative about the whole positive thing. Weird I know.
Damn my head hurts.
Today actually turned out alright. I wasn’t super happy but I was able to enjoy watching some football and playing some WoW with my hubby.
When I woke up it felt like it was going to be like every other day but I guess I can have an OK day. Okay is better than down by a long shot right? Maybe tomorrow will be OK too, who knows. I’ll take anything but that damned depression.
I didn’t realize it at the time but when I posted my blog yesterday it told me it was my 400th post. I’m actually pretty impressed with myself. 🙂
Today I slept til 10:30 but am planning on getting all the laundry done so I can pack most of it up. It’s 7 days until we move into our home and I want to be prepared.
I’m feeling ok today, it feels like it could go above that if things align right.
Tomorrow we go for our second last walk thru of the house. We will be pointing out anything we need fixed before next Thursday when we close. We’ve been checking it out at least once a week, so we already know what we want fixed, which is honestly one thing, the door to the garage. So that should be fun and quick.
I’m so excited that I am going to be able to post from my house in a week. I think that is going to help a lot with the mood swings because my stress is going to go down a lot. I can’t wait to get all my stuff and unpack! I haven’t seen it in 8 months so it will be like opening presents.
Well I’m off to finish the laundry!
I hate my bipolar moods, they are always so annoying. Even the positive ones can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I’m not taking the lithium anymore, day 3 waking up grumpy. My shrink said to go down to half of 300 if it started affecting my mood but I think I’ll just go with the increasing of the Latuda plan.
Why I hate my moods
Right now I am post manic, which means everything is fucking miserable and I’m on the edge. I could seriously hurt someone or myself when I’m like this, even the smallest thing could cause me to fucking lose it. I wish someone could feel how painful everything is right now. Even my joy over the house is deadened and it just feel like more of a pain to wait. The joy has been sucked out of my life. Even sometimes I think death would be better than this. I fight though.
I was ok. Why I couldn’t I be satisfied with that? IT was sparkling or joyful but it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t having a ton of negative thoughts running through my head. When everything is ok at least life is tolerable.
When I was happy, I kept waiting for the bad moods to come. Instead of enjoying each moment. Instead of sucking in all the happy and going with the flow I just looked around every corner for the negative.
I look forward to my hypo-manic where everything is wonderful and there are rainbows and puppies. Nothing can get past my glorious armor of joy! I can write and I can draw and I sing and am happy and am funny and smart and pretty. These don’t happen often enough and I usually end up in a ton of trouble.
When I’m depressed it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I cry over everything and I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want anything to do with anyone (except hubby). I don’t clean myself or brush my hair. I wear the same set of pj’s day in and day out. Everything is hopeless. These have been the longest lasting emotion but has been gone for a little bit.
I wonder what this post mania will turn into. Either way waking up tomorrow in any mood but this is preferable. I’ll take ok. I’ll try to be better to it this time.
Today was uneventful. I woke up slightly pissy but decided to get out of bed and face the day. It’s turned out to be ok. Yesterday I thought that I was starting to slide down hill again but today like I said, I’m OK. Being ok is a lot better than a lot of other alternatives.
I’ve checked my email a 100 times or more waiting for our closing email. I am supposed to hear something this week. I hope that they do it early like Monday or Tuesday. Waiting the whole week is gonna give me acid stomach. I know I shouldn’t be stressed cause it is out of my control but I can’t help but be anxious. It’s going to be exciting to know we have 45 days til closing and every day makes that time longer.
My mom and I talked today, she is coming to visit in July and I think that she is staying a month. That should be interesting. Interesting as in the fortune, may you live in interesting times. If I can get some weed for it, then it will be easy cause I’l.l just keep her stoned and happy lol. Cross your fingers that I can get a deal before then.
For some reason I just started having a little anxiety. Too much stress I guess.. Must breathe.
Today was pretty uneventful. I didn’t go out anywhere and I didn’t have any major mood swings. I spent most of my day packing what we are going to take with us on the road and deciding what we would actually need when we bought a home as opposed to just keeping because we might use it sometime in the future.
I realize as we have almost everything packed, we don’t really own anything, all our boxes fit into our tiny dining room area (if you can call it that). The one thing I own a lot of is clothes and shoes. That took up 4-5 boxes! When we finally buy our home we are going to have space to fill and honestly I am excited about it. Not just the shopping but the making a house a home thing.
I had a short nap it was pretty cool, some vivid dreams. I keep opening doors, I wonder what it means.
I feel weird blogging when I don’t have something to bitch about. No one really reads the good posts and I don’t have much to say to myself either other than atta girl keep going.
So going to keep this short and hope that my days moving forward are all filled with non bitchy posts. I have a strong suspicion that won’t last with the stress of the move looming over my head.. a little over 9 days, eeeee.. That and eventually the crazy is going to pop her head out, she can’t resist. Am I right?
Yesterday was a pretty good day mood wise and today has been ok as well. I think this is what normal feels like? I am not over the top happy, but I’m not sad either. I could get used to it. Will it last? That’s the million dollar question isn’t it.
Today to take care of the need to cut all my hair off, I shaved my head up to behind my ears. That way when it is up it is a lot cooler and when it is down it hides it. Kind of a compromise. It’s weird to see blonde again, I’ve been every color but it for a very long time. Makes me wonder if I should let the red grow out. Meh who knows, it would definitely save me some time.
With the hay fever and maybe still a little of the withdrawal from the Viibryd or maybe the going up to 900mg of lithium my stomach is not happy. I just got back from the grocery store and thought that I might actually hurl in the aisle. Positive thing though I didn’t panic or run I just breathed through it. I also feel nauseated when I am hungry which honestly seems like the wrong response to hunger.
On a side note, I am making a video for my BFF, she says I am fearless so I am going to try and do something just that. I hope it turns out. If I like it then I will post it on the blog. If I don’t only she will see it and maybe hubby. I think it is funny that I am less shy with her about some things than my husband.
I called my shrink today to ask about my lithium and the strangest thing happened. He answered the phone. He was actually a pretty decent guy today maybe I am wrong about him. *shrug*