Should Have Been Fine With OK

I hate my bipolar moods, they are always so annoying. Even the positive ones can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I’m not taking the lithium anymore, day 3 waking up grumpy. My shrink said to go down to half of 300 if it started affecting my mood but I think I’ll just go with the increasing of the Latuda plan.

Why I hate my moods

Right now I am post manic, which means everything is fucking miserable and I’m on the edge. I could seriously hurt someone or myself when I’m like this, even the smallest thing could cause me to fucking lose it. I wish someone could feel how painful everything is right now. Even my joy over the house is deadened and it just feel like more of a pain to wait. The joy has been sucked out of my life. Even sometimes I think death would be better than this. I fight though.

I was ok. Why I couldn’t I be satisfied with that? IT was sparkling or joyful but it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t having a ton of negative thoughts running through my head. When everything is ok at least life is tolerable.

When I was happy, I kept waiting for the bad moods to come. Instead of enjoying each moment. Instead of sucking in all the happy and going with the flow I just looked around every corner for the negative.

I look forward to my hypo-manic where everything is wonderful and there are rainbows and puppies. Nothing can get past my glorious armor of joy! I can write and I can draw and I sing and am happy and am funny and smart and pretty. These don’t happen often enough and I usually end up in a ton of trouble.

When I’m depressed it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I cry over everything and I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want anything to do with anyone (except hubby). I don’t clean myself or brush my hair. I wear the same set of pj’s day in and day out. Everything is hopeless. These have been the longest lasting emotion but has been gone for a little bit.

I wonder what this post mania will turn into. Either way waking up tomorrow in any mood but this is preferable. I’ll take ok. I’ll try to be better to it this time.

Family Celebration

Tonight we went over to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. She has a small home with one bathroom and I was having some huge anxiety about going there. I even had dreams of going there while I napped before that were very stressful.

Yet I am proud to say not only did I go, I had fun, I ate some food and I had a pretty good time. For once I was able to over power my brain. Even the children didn’t bother me as much as they usually do.

This seems like my mood might finally be in an upswing. I’m afraid of course. Usually an upswing is followed by days of depression. I honestly will be happy if I can make it through the holidays without crashing. Especially since hubbby has 11 days off in a row. I don’t get that very often.

Wish me luck!

Holiday Anxiety

As I’ve said in previous posts I often have a lot of depression and anxiety during the holidays. So far this year has been a little easier than most others. I’m not sure if it is medication or family or learning to accept the way things are.

My mood has pretty good today. Two in a row, that’s certainly something. I am not sure if the medication is working already or I’m just being lucky. I do consider 2 days in a row lucky regardless. I usually have many days in a row of depression then 1-5 days of mania with one or two hypo-manic days.

I love the hypo-manic days as it gives me a chance to catch up on all the stuff I get behind on when I am depressed.

I am really hoping that these holidays are better than they have been in the past and that going forward my meds work to get rid of the depression that is lurking just outside of my vision.

Do You See What I See?

*might accidently spoil something for the show Black Box*

I watched the new show on television called Black Box. I expected to feel a multitude of feelings about the main character as she is bipolar. We tend to get defensive and critical about people playing the roles we ourselves experience in life.

I was mostly interested in her behavior as she went through multiple med withdrawals. Was it written so that people who weren’t bipolar could experience the extremes we go through. Possibly exaggerated in some cases? There were several places I wholeheartedly agreed with having felt before and had responded in similar manners. I am usually fairly quick to high if I miss my meds for a day. At one point I was taking them every other day and it would keep me in a constant state of Euphoria. It wore off though and then I just had days and days of depression.

Hyper sexuality I have experienced this one a great deal. I would think myself the most amazing sexy desirable woman and no one could look at me without wanting me, man or woman. I remember how powerful I felt. I guess one would say super human.

Dancing to the music in my head. I do this often. I also often make up songs about everything. Picture Jess from New Girl. I’m am very similar to her when I am hypo-manic. Without the goody two shoes thing. I’ve never been a good girl. I’m kind but I’m not good.

Hateful anger.. I used to have this a lot. Its one of the reasons I tried to kill myself once.. Over laundry.. seriously..

I don’t hallucinate like a lot of people do. I have smaller ones but perhaps that is because I am almost always partially medicated.

The show made me miss parts of myself that are gone, but it made me realize that there are reason I take medications and I need to continue to do it for myself and my family. (hubby, dogs and best friend).

Either way it was an interesting watch and I will likely watch more..

A poll though….

A Little Hypo-Manic But that’s Ok

I’m happy, thrilled, loving life.. I know it’s not real but that doesn’t mean I am not going to enjoy it. I am excited about the new regimen though. I could do without the head/body aches from going off the lamictal though.

I worry about taking new drugs, I always have this fear of having an allergic reaction, I mean we are literally a five minute walk to the emergency room so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much about it.

I have been a little itchy but I was itchy before I started taking medication. Honestly the sun makes my skin itch and it was hot, made me sweat.. I have to remind myself of these things otherwise I might stop taking the one thing that might make a difference in my future.

The new shrink called today to tell me my blood tests were fine and ask how I was doing and also to ask permission to talk to my old one. I told it was fine but that I was never honest with her about how crappy I was feeling. I don’t know why. I just happen to usually be in mid upswing when I saw her and didn’t think about talking about the way things were before that. Plus she was always so pleased to think I was doing well.

3 days until we leave for Vegas and honestly I am so excited. We may hardly leave the room but being in a clean place, no dogs, and having food delivered at any hour.. who wouldn’t want that. I’ll have to go to mom in law’s wedding but that shouldn’t take too long and if I am lucky I will get enough courage to at least go play the slots for a couple hours..

Slots are probably not the best thing for me to do but it is less addictive for me then shopping..

I bought a coloring book and a wedding card online and it gave me a little thrill which honestly is just ridiculous don’t ya think’?

Mania – Can I get an Amen

Mood = Normal? I am not sure what normal is really, so we’ll go with this.

Today I was thinking about my mania, it’s cause me a lot of problems and I am very lucky that it didn’t get me killed with all the risks that I took.  I could have been murdered or caught some deadly VD, but I didn’t. Not that making me feel like a slut and everyone hating me was wonderful but the consequences could have been much worse.

I do miss the way it made me feel. Confident and ready to take on the world. I’m a larger girl who lives in LA, it always make me feel horrible about myself whenever I see the skinny little women that are all over the place.. ugh. When I do have those even hypo-manic days though I feel a little better.

In my mania I bought a computer when I was 19, I couldn’t afford it but it was rent to own and my dad’s girl-friend had one, so I had to do one better. I did not like that woman. It lead me to some very positive things though. BBS’s not sure how many of you remember those? I was able to make friends though and not have to be anything other then me, because we had something in common and they didn’t know the old me.

I was introduced to MMORG’s and in one very large manic episode, met my now husband in one. I rarely left my house at the time and lived with an abusive husband, but this wonderful man I am married to, came to Canada to visit me and the next week I left my country, my family and all my possessions to come to the states to be with him. I have not had one regret about that, EVER.

So there are some really good sides to mania. I miss it, I admit it. Especially with all the depressive states that I get into. I long for the high. Then I remember all the bad things I had done when I was like that.

Sometimes it is good to remember the wonderful though. This illness does some crazy things to us, but it also makes us amazing.