Family Celebration

Tonight we went over to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. She has a small home with one bathroom and I was having some huge anxiety about going there. I even had dreams of going there while I napped before that were very stressful.

Yet I am proud to say not only did I go, I had fun, I ate some food and I had a pretty good time. For once I was able to over power my brain. Even the children didn’t bother me as much as they usually do.

This seems like my mood might finally be in an upswing. I’m afraid of course. Usually an upswing is followed by days of depression. I honestly will be happy if I can make it through the holidays without crashing. Especially since hubbby has 11 days off in a row. I don’t get that very often.

Wish me luck!

New Pills and Art

Michaels is having a sale on canvases so I bought a ton of new ones to paint on. Currently I have the black done on a large pain tingling I am working on. I aml hoping to do a creepy halloweenie like painting.
I also went and saw my shrink and therapist today and all Both spots went well. My therapist is helping me trying to figure out how not to be afraid of being mortal and my psychiatrist suggested I try Xanax xr twice a day to help with the anxiety since the clonezapam doesn’t seem to do anything. I am also going to be starting to take Latuda which is a medication made specifically for bipolar depression. It can have some shitty side effects but it can work pretty damn well so I am going to try it and see what happens.
Anyone tried it? Would love to here how it works for you?

Tears For Fears

This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.

I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.

It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.

OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.

Why So Insecure?!

My husband never hides anything from me. I occasionally browse his Facebook to see if there is anything funny going on and check his friends list. The friends list thing is pure paranoia.

I don’t now why I am so insecure, but going through it today I saw he and his sister were talking. It jaded me wonder if he is talking to people I am unaware of at work.
He used to be on aim with a bunch of work people now they all only talk through some work IM service. I don’t need to keep an eye on him, he’s a good man but it makes me feel better knowing that I could if I wanted to if that makes any sense.

When will this insecurity stop? Ever? I can’t wait to start to therapy for this.

He was telling me about a conversation about buying homes with a woman he works with, he’s only mentioned her name recently as apparently she is new tone team. It set all my alarms off.

Fuck, I hat my brain.