Stress and Hate

4 days and we are on the road. I don’t know how long it will take until we leave wedsnesday but we’ll definitely be on the road for more then 4 hours, gonna try to get to the other side of Las Vegas before we stop for the night.

I think I’ve allowed myself to get to stressed out. I’m feeling rather sickly in addition to depressed. My tunny hurts. God that sounds like a child talking but I feel like crap.

I’ve been trying to like myself and have been using a lot more makeup and trying to be more confident. It’s been working for the most part but today I woke up and looked in the mirror and positively hated myself. Full blown hate.

I wish I loved myself. Others do. Sigh

Why So Insecure?!

My husband never hides anything from me. I occasionally browse his Facebook to see if there is anything funny going on and check his friends list. The friends list thing is pure paranoia.

I don’t now why I am so insecure, but going through it today I saw he and his sister were talking. It jaded me wonder if he is talking to people I am unaware of at work.
He used to be on aim with a bunch of work people now they all only talk through some work IM service. I don’t need to keep an eye on him, he’s a good man but it makes me feel better knowing that I could if I wanted to if that makes any sense.

When will this insecurity stop? Ever? I can’t wait to start to therapy for this.

He was telling me about a conversation about buying homes with a woman he works with, he’s only mentioned her name recently as apparently she is new tone team. It set all my alarms off.

Fuck, I hat my brain.

Can I get a Wup Wup!


So despite all my fears about the way things would go, I ended up going to the new shrink.

Actually when I woke up this morning I had actually planned to not go. I was scared and I was tired and frankly I just didn’t want to deal with anything ya know?

Funnily enough though my best friend happened to be on AIM this morning and told me all these things I needed to get the courage to at least drive there. She is truly amazing. I wish we lived in the same state, I think we would be so good for one another.  Unless she comes to Omaha I know that will never happen so I realize that I am fortunate to have had a friend who actually gives and shit and doesn’t let me pull any of the stuff I do on hubby to get out of doing what I don’t want to. She always thinks I am stronger than I am. She see’s me in a whole different light then most people and when she said I could do it this morning. Well I couldn’t let her be wrong could I?

I decided to do something I have avoided until now. Even when they brought it up I tried to argue the point but after hearing some things about it I am going to be trying Lithium. I know there are a lot of bad things people say and I also know there are a lot of good things. Apparently even though it is the oldest Bipolar Drug, it is still the most successful.  On top of that I am going to be seeing an ECT doc and seeing how much they think it will help and hopefully in four weeks or so I’ll be going along that path.

It scares me but I have been saying no to this drug for years and I think it is time I finally gave it a shot. I think I might actually be pissed if the Lithium works cause that would mean I let one person’s reaction to it completely darken my opinion of it. I start tonight! I’ll be weaning myself off my Lamictal this week and staying on the Viibryd for now until the ETC guys and the lithium are in a place they are happy with. They want me to start seeing a therapist for my Borderline Personality Disorder. So I am glad that the doctors actually see what is there when I am not hiding behind a façade.

I’m proud of myself for a change.

*Now a quick rant which is not related to the above at all*

I always talk about how great my husband is. I tell this to well to everyone. He has problems just like everyone else. He’s a slob. He doesn’t like doing outdoorsy stuff. He can’t really fix things. He does stupid ass things that piss me off so much that I don’t even want to talk. Usually by pissed off I mean hurt. Today we got home from the doctors and I went to do something for a few minutes and I come back into the computer room and there’s this chick in a bikini on his screen. I am still not talking to him and it’s a couple hours later.  He knows how shitty I feel about myself. We have rules in the house because of it. Like no porn (that one he brought on himself). No looking at naked and scantily clad females or men, I don’t look either.

The fact we are not having sex at the moment really doesn’t help, it just makes me feel like if he does a little slip, won’t it be a big slip next? I’m probably overreacting but I’ll decide that when I am done being hurt and decide to talk to him about it.

*rant off*