Tummy Trouble

My tummy has been acting up all day. I hate that I don’t feel well when I have to go out Weds and Thurs. ¬†Plus I am so stressed out. My mood has been meh. Not bad but not good. Feeling like crap definitely doesn’t help. I don’t know how much of it is in my head where I’m stressing out or what’s real. Between that and the hot flashes it’s just unbearable.

I did go out with hubby to pick up food today so that is my daily accomplishment. Feeling bad and going out willingly is still a lot different than having to go out unwillingly. I’m so dreading going out this week. I’m having nightmares every night. I hate my brain so much.


Next Day

Yesterday I did so well. No xanax and going out with my SIL, but today is a completely different story.

I woke up feeling a little sick but I figured it was because I was hungry so I ate breakfast took all my pills and promptly threw everything less than 15 mins later. Hard to get your meds when you don’t knows how much actually stuck.

Going to try and eat some dinner and drink some water hopefully it sticks. Wish me luck.

I’ve Been Sick For Months

I have had a lot of bottom problems and vomiting and the inability to want to eat anything. If I smoke weed I can eat. However this is yet another weedless day.

I’ve been avoiding it, hoping it would fix itself but now I’ve actually made the Dr’s appt to get checked out on Monday. I likely won’t learn anything then but getting the ball rolling is what I need to do.

I may be terrified of people but I’m more terrified of dying and for a depressed person to say that means I still got some fight..

Tomorrow is my shrink appt so Fists up.

Tired of Feeling Like Crap

I realize I haven’t been sick all that long or I’ve been sick for a very long time. It’s confusing. I have intestinal issues but I have IBS plus sometimes it just acts up when I am stressed. I find it very tiring non the less.

I’m trying to find a way out of the circle I’ve made for myself. Working on a painting. Hopefully that will give me a little boost when it’s done. Just trying to give myself a positive thing to do every day, even if it’s just a little.

I’m feeling less depressed today than I did yesterday though, which makes me semi-smile.



Listen To The Music

Trying hard to be easier on myself. I’m still smoking the weed, but I will be out in a couple days and will decide if I will get more then not now.

I’ve been up feeling like shit physically and it’s dragging me down. So I decided to put on some music and see if that would help. Funnily enough it did. I always forget the positive effect that music has in my life.

I put on some up beat dance music and even danced a little as I sang my favorites at the top of my lungs. It definitely helped some of my anxiety, well until I thought about it too much.

Does music affect your moods?

A Year and Two Days

Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.

My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.

I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.

I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..

Why Does The Next Day Suck

I feel like hell today. Actually physically I haven’t been feeling very good at all the last couple of weeks. Just general crap. Last night I managed to push through it and go out and by the end of the night I was feeling better. Well I felt like it at the time anyhow.

Today I feel horrible. Right back to the way it was and I find it very frustrating. I know once I lose weight I should start feeling better. Not just sitting on the couch every day will help. I’m kind of stuck in a rut. I feel like shit so I can’t do anything but if I don’t do anything I’ll feel like shit. Ugh.

I swear my blog is for whining. I’m annoyed with myself. I don’t even feel like going out and looking at the house, what’s up with that?

Maybe tomorrow will be better. maybe..

Hubby Home Sick

Today my husband came home early after a day of throwing up at work. Poor baby. It’s impossible for me to care for him since there is nothing I can do. It’s frustrating. I want him to feel better.

My mood is right in the middle. I’m actually not feeling that well myself, I have a feeling the stomach bug is making it’s rounds again. Yay. It’s hard to tell if it is my mood or circumstance. That’s the funny things with moods.

Makes for a not in the mood to do anything even write my blog kind of thing. It’s even more important to write those days I think. This is good reinforced behaviour. I am still thinking about what I am gonna start as a year long habit come nerw years. Like a resolution but something that sticks. haha.

A Little Reprieve

Today has been better mood wise. The anxiety was also a little lower.

I’d like to thank sudafed for making my cold more managable.

I spent all day watching survivor from the beginning, up to episode 8. Not a great way to spend the day but at least I wasn’t moping, right?

I am doing well losing weight and have lost 17 pounds so far. It feels a little weird and I’m afraid to eat now. Yet I am craving junk food really badly. I am wonderfuil at self sabatoge. I know this yet I feel like this is a losing battle with christmas and all the sweets and carbs that come with it.

There I said some positive stuff today.. nuff said.

WTF Walking Dead

Okay on a non-bipolar note. Did you all watch walking dead tonight? I’m in complete and utter shock. I’m not gonna say what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for those who are waiting to watch it. All I can say is OMG WTF.

Now onto the bipolarity and general health. I’m feeling like crap, I spent most of my day in bed nauseated and in pain. I’m still in pain, aching all over and I haven’t had much to eat but some oyster crackers. I’m actually a little hungry so that is something.

Emotionally, I’m having a lot of anxiety but I think it is because I am not feeling very good. I hate to feel sick around other people and once again not being in my own home has made this harder then it has to be on me. I ¬†guess I just am ok right now. Haven’t been awake enough to figure out what my mood actually is. If anything I am a little sensitive. I think sensitive can be an ok emotion though, it makes you more apt for be empathizing. That’s always a good thing.