sleeping

Okay on a non-bipolar note. Did you all watch walking dead tonight? I’m in complete and utter shock. I’m not gonna say what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for those who are waiting to watch it. All I can say is OMG WTF.

Now onto the bipolarity and general health. I’m feeling like crap, I spent most of my day in bed nauseated and in pain. I’m still in pain, aching all over and I haven’t had much to eat but some oyster crackers. I’m actually a little hungry so that is something.

Emotionally, I’m having a lot of anxiety but I think it is because I am not feeling very good. I hate to feel sick around other people and once again not being in my own home has made this harder then it has to be on me. I guess I just am ok right now. Haven’t been awake enough to figure out what my mood actually is. If anything I am a little sensitive. I think sensitive can be an ok emotion though, it makes you more apt for be empathizing. That’s always a good thing.

Today I woke up sad and sleepy. I don’t know that I have a trigger for my depression other than stress and I am always stressed about something. Even the smallest little things. So I spent most of my day in bed, sleeping. I was trying to block out the world.

My dogs awoke me with barking and there were some men in the courtyard outside of my apartment yelling in Spanish so I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. My patio door was wide open, we leave it that way during the day since I am always home and the dogs like to go outside and get fresh air. Sometimes when I am aware of the realness of the world if I am going to sleep I close it, usually pretty frightened. Today was completely different.

I woke up listened and said to myself if they are going to kill me, might as well just let them kill me. I’m not feeling suicidal just very tired of the ups and downs. I am looking forward to seeing my shrink on the 27th. I wish that she wasn’t always so booked that it takes a month to get into see her. But what can I do. I am not ready to find a new doctor and I am hoping that she knows me well enough to listen to what I want from my treatment.

I wonder how long the sadness will last this time, it always feels like forever… I hope this time it’s not.