Month: February 2014

Things Are Picking Up

Mood: Good, though I want to shop for some stress reduction. It is one of my coping mechanism and sadly one that often gets me in trouble which is why hubby has all my CC’s heh

You know I realize that when I am in one mindset or the other I tend to forget what the other is like. When I am depressed as hell I feel like I have been that way forever and it is never going to stop. Thankfully it is starting to pass and just in time for my mom and sisters visit. Yesterday I was going between calm, laughing and crying. Talk about mixed episode. It’s been like this for about a week I think. Though it was predominantly at the negative end with a few breaks.

Today is the first day I woke up and could say, I’m ok. It’s funny when just OK is a wonderful feeling. No super highs and gut wrenching lows. So today I would like to say some things that I am grateful for.

1) The hubby! I am reminded every day how lucky I am to have him.

2) The family I have in my life.  My mom is trying really hard to understand my bipolarity.

3) My health (I think) I had a full heart workup last summer when I had a huge panic attack and a torn muscle in my shoulder. I mean they did everything.

4) I am really fortunate to live in SoCal, when the rest of the country if having horrific weather we have tons of sunshine and always have something blooming. The last few days it has been raining and it reminds me of the only weather I miss from states who have seasons!

5) My blog! It is giving me a sense of routine which is something I am badly in need of! This is the longest I have stuck with something besides my marriage ūüėÄ

6) The people who don’t know me but wrote kind words when I was struggling.¬† Thank you! Communicating with others who also have mental illness is more comforting than¬†I ever realized.

I will keep doing this blog and try to remind myself everyday that even when life feels like it is complete shit, that, that is my bipolar brain.

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I Have No Shame

Mood: Hopeful

It’s so funny to realize that the bipolar person in us really can bring about the very person we want to be sometimes. I am a little shy and reserved even with my husband. I love to sing and dance, but often do it quietly or when he can’t see me. I have been so overwhelmed by the urge to move to music I have actually just sort of cried out.

Then there are the times when I am my other self and¬†the confidence rises. I sing at the top of my lungs, I move and dance like a crazy person.. Some good examples of this are when I do things where I am usually¬†most uncomfortable .. Running man on a public beach, disco fever in front of the video camera in the building where I live. I mean I know the security guard is watching but at that time I don’t care. Plus it makes hubby laugh and blush. A grown man blushing is something truly beautiful.

When I am my shy self, I keep my head down when I see people, or turn up this polite pinched smile that seems like more of a grimace. However when I am my other self, I am vibrant and flirty and funny and I don’t care at all what anyone thinks, I meet people with a big ass grin and will talk my head off to anyone who bothers to listen.

I will bound around the room butt-naked and act like a gorilla which to this day makes me husband smile and makes me blush all the way to my toes, but that’s just how you are in that moment, completely different.

I suppose it is very bad to want to keep a part of my illness but if I could get rid of all of it and keep just one thing I suppose it would be this.¬† After a lifetime of people telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not attractive enough, my singing voice is awful.. It would be nice to not really care what anyone thinks.

A great example of this is today I took my dogs to the dog park and a woman was there with her pitbull. Now my puppies are a 9 pound yorkie¬†Monkey¬†and an 11 pound malti-poo Charlie both around 2 years of age. Monkey acts like a little old woman afraid of anything and not willing to play at all.¬†Charlie is a talker, *growl* chase me, *bark* chase me.. come on chase me.. Now this pit bull wanted to play but as soon as he started to chase Charlie, Charlie started screaming like someone was kicking him when in fact he hasn’t even been touched at all. His talking is usually embarrassing enough¬†for me. This however was humiliating for me. Admitted I should have been concerned about my dog, but I know he is a chicken at heart, he’s very much a momma’s boy and would be totally happy if it was just him and his sister.¬† I’m not the only one that needs exposure therapy. *on a side note, if you are agoraphobic you might want to consider a cat so they don’t end up as messed up as you are*.

If I had of been in my better state of mine I would have laughed it off and it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. Hours later it is still bothering me now. I hate it.. HATE IT!

It makes me want to go off my meds without any alternative treatment, I want to do it so badly. I just have to remember all the bad that comes with it as opposed to the good. Bad>Good! Ugh

I’m An Oversharer

My mood: Cloudy with a side of Meh

Last night I ended up getting totally drunk. I might occasionally have a beer but last night I drank a few many more.. The plus side of it is I slept like the dead and in a fit of drunken depression called my sister. We were best friends for most of our lives but since I have moved to the states (13 years) I haven’t seen her or really even talked much. She must have thought me incredibly crazy to call all blubbering about how I miss her. However it’s true, I just keep those kind of feelings locked away in a vault where they rarely get to see the light of day.

Most of the time I prefer that, but the me last night was all I need to do this.. It went well as far as I can remember and we share cells so we could text now and often.

This leads me to my post though. My social skills are horrible. I don’t really even talk to most my family and as I said before I have no friends outside of video games and they really don’t mind. The fact they are European might have a little to do with it.¬† I get to tell them exactly how I feel without feeling the harsh judgment or the wack-a-doo eyes people give you when you are truly and honestly upfront about everything about yourself.

The funny things is I don’t have a censor button at all. I have no qualms about sharing personal experiences with people I have only known for a couple of hours. It’s probably best for the world out there to not even know I exist. No one needs my kind of bat-shit crazy in their lives.

I got hubby and he¬† grew up in a household where his feelings were mostly hidden away because he was with two crazy females (seriously they are) and had to deal with their stuff. We know how that is don’t we? Luckily I think this is also what makes him such a warm and caring person. Not to say he doesn’t have a deep dark side to him, but he always keeps his anger in check and will walk away before ever saying something he can’t take back.

I think the one thing I am liking so much about this blogging I feel like I can say anything without too harsh of a judgment and if someone says something horrible, well I can just delete it.. The power of the internet eh? Though I have to constantly remind myself that I am writing for me. It doesn’t matter if people don’t read my blog or twitter or facebook. It’s all for me.

 

Why Bipolars Kill Themselves

Do you know why I think that bipolars kill themselves?

I think it is because they can’t get the help they need. There seem to be very few *shrinks* who don’t charge cash or are just so overbooked that they don’t take new patients.. Why are doctors so fucking greedy!!!! ¬†Even the mood disorder clinic here doesn’t take new patients if you are not already a part of their health thingy. Which I don’t even understand at all.

I had to give up my old shrink, she misdiagnosed me, charged me cash and I had to wait a month between visits. Trying to find a new one is appearing impossible. I am so stressed out, no shrink, my mom coming, my dogs pancreatis (sp?)is acting up.. FUCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

I’m not suicidal just frustrated at the moment and I am going to get totally drunk and forget about this shit.. I don’t normally drink but today seems like a good day to start..

I Am Slowly Going Crazy

Mood: Stressed!

Goodbye depression, hello hypomania. I am seriously cycling way to damn fast. I would like to get off the ride of my emotions and just throw up some normal, ya know?

I am sitting here at my computer so restless. Everything that I normally enjoy holds no interest to me. I am so fidgety. I try something for 5 minutes then I need to move  on to something else.

I had nightmares all night because I am so stressed my mom is coming. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom to pieces but she actually likes to do things and enjoys a clean home. My sister and my niece (9months old) are coming as well so I have to consciously think about everything that is on the floor.¬† They are going to be here Saturday. *fidget*

I tried cleaning and then I get overwhelmed at least I am getting a room done at a time but then I need to move on to something else. I keep thinking that I have found something that will hold my interest but nope. *fidget*¬†I suppose writing at least holds some interest for me, especially since I promised myself to post at least once a day. I don’t want to write to far ahead though because I don’t want to get stuck on a day when I am supposed to be writing.

Everything is just so much work lately. Even getting out of bed. I rarely even bother to get dressed or even brush my hair unless it is to go for my nightly walk, then I typically just wear some baggy unattractive clothes so I can just get the heck out of here.. Hmm maybe that is what I’ll do go for a walk that will kill 30 minutes and make the puppies happy.¬† I wish I was at a point that I could go out by myself cause I will need to drag hubby away from the game he is enjoying, grrr. *fidget*

In the past hour, I have read some blogs, some support boards, tried several games, tried to watch TV, tried to clean.. Most days are like this, I can’t focus on anything. When I am manic I can focus but that is really the only time. I wish it wasn’t so destructive it really is quite useful when it happens. *fidget fidget*

Well I think I will go for that walk, maybe the fresh air will settle me enough so I can concentrate on one thing for a while instead of bouncing.. I feel like one of those super rubber balls that just never stop..

Paranoia

Mood: All over the place ūüė¶

When my husband and I got together I had little trust of anyone. Even to this day I only trust him and¬†after being together 13 years it’s still shaky. Has he ever done anything that could make me distrust him.¬† Not that I am aware of. We agreed to certain rules in our relationship to make me feel more secure. No opposite sex friendships. I personally don’t think these are possible anyhow, but that is just my opinion. No one on one lunches with females, even from work. No watching porn without me and when he goes out of town he still needs to be in contact with me. Typically we Skype. He has managed to do all these things but one over the course of our relationship.

The one he failed at was watching porn. The fact that he had done it wasn’t that shocking, it was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. I don’t think it meant all that much to him. He left the damn thing up on his Ipad that I will usually play with throughout the day, maybe it was an admission of guilt.¬†I have no idea. I just know at that time I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach, my heart hurt, my brain tried to figure out the why of it.¬† As the thought of this still bugs me probably over a year from that day, I can’t help but wonder how I would feel if it had of been an affair. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be around to write this.

This brings me to my most prevalent paranoia. The one that at times has me checking my husbands IM’s, emails, physical mail, CC’s, etc. I think I am a little spy and only feel content when I have completely worn myself down. He never hides these things from me and always makes sure I know the passwords. This however doesn’t make me feel better, it often makes me feel worse. I wonder what secret things he has put aside that I don’t know about.¬† It’s easy to be¬†sneaky in this day and age.. Luckily this is not with me every day and usually coincides with my depression. I wonder what the trigger is.. There’s always something isn’t there.

The other big paranoia I have is of people judging me and some might not even call it paranoia, but it keeps me from living a full and healthy life. I think every person who walks or looks at me is talking about me. When they laugh it is because they are making fun of me. When they smile at me it is with distaste or pity.¬† I’m told that people don’t really take that time to look at people. I look very closely at people.¬†I think they think of all the hateful hurtful things that I think of myself. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in a closet. This never seems to get easier. It only doesn’t bother me when I am manic and that’s cause then I think I am awesome… ha wish I was my manic self all the time.¬† Seriously

I have other smalls ones that pop their heads up when I get too little sleep or having¬†an off day. The things in the shadows that will come and get me. I still never hang a hand or foot off the bed at night. Most nights I have to have a light on because I know if it is dark that’s when whatever I am fearful of will be waiting.. No idea what it is, but I know it’s there.¬† I even will sleep with my back pressed against my husbands so that both sides of the bed are protected. (he never knows this happens cause he honestly sleeps so deep he would be dead before he woke up) I’m the protector.. hehe.

These are the kinds of things I am paranoid about. Some might say it’s fear, but I know the difference.

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Panic Attack!

Mood : Silly and Stressed

The is a song by a band called Dream Theatre. I thought whoever wrote them had it pretty spot on, for me anyhow.

All wound up
On the edge
Terrified

Sleep disturbed
Restless mind
Petrified

Bouts of fear
Permeate
All I see

Heightening
Nervousness
Threatens me

I am paralyzed
So afraid to die

Caught off guard
Warning signs
Never show

Tension strikes
Choking me
Worries grow

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly so uptight

Rapid heartbeat pounding through my chest
Agitated body in distress
I feel like I’m in danger
Daily life is strangled by my stress

A stifling surge
Shooting through all my veins
Extreme apprehension
Suddenly I’m insane

Lost all hope for redemption
A grave situation desperate at best

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly reeling

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

My official diagnosis is.. Bipolar, With Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia. I remember the first time that I had a panic attack I thought I was about to die. I couldn’t breathe the air around me was so thick , I felt like my head was in a box and my heart pounded. My body reacted by making me incredibly nauseated and other disgusting things I won’t mention. Let’s say going anywhere for any period of time more than 15 mins was completely out.

I used to probably get about 15-20 a day and they always seemed like that would last forever, in fact it felt like I was never recovering from them at all. I never learned how to deal with them until the last couple years and for some reason regardless of how crappy my meds are working on my depression and mania my panic attacks have lessened in frequency and length. I still have to pop a clonazepam every day but I take it usually as a preventive measure as opposed to during the attack. This might just be a psychological thing for me, either way it makes me feel better about my exposure therapy.

I think now more than before I have the fear of having a panic attack before trying new things. Which means walks outside are as I have said a great accomplishment for me.

My mother is going to be here next Saturday and I am starting to get really stressed out which means lucid dreams, waking up with panic attacks and feeling like I’m buzzing, like when you have way to much caffeine. Even though this is a good thing, I know I will have to push myself to entertain them. Which usually ends up with weeks of recovery afterward.¬† Which I will barely get before my mother in laws wedding.

My mother in law is having a wedding in Vegas sometime coming up in April ¬†and I need to go to that, it is going to be horrific. Yes negative thinking I know. However she really doesn’t understand me all that well and I am not 100% sure she really wants to. She is also the one person my husband has a hard time standing up to, though it has gotten better over the years. She originally hated me and now thinks I am a wonderful daughter-in-law but she likes to pretend mental illness doesn’t exist. She herself had a huge depressive episode when her kids were younger and couldn’t even more out of the bed, you would think it would make her more understanding, but not so much.

I am dreading it, though I do love the interaction with other people at least for short periods of time and under my own limits and control. If I want to leave I can normally. The wedding I think I can handle. It’s the stuff after that is going to be incredibly stressful for me. I am hoping after talking to my shrink that my treatment will be along far enough that the bipolar part of me keeps it’s ugly head under control.¬† So do¬†you have or know someone that just isn’t willing to understand any of your illness’s? I know a lot of people have the whole get over it attitude but it you had cancer you should as hell wouldn’t be telling someone that very same thing. .. Anyhow this post got way longer than I intended. Listen to the song if you don’t mind a little heavier rock I think you’ll enjoy it!

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My Strength

Mood : Stressed and Melancoly

I know I talk about my husband a lot. I know I am very fortunate to have someone who supports me. I am not a support group kind of person because I am very passionate about people not generalizing and therapy just doesn’t work for me. I tend to get over things that happened in the past. Do they affect who I am? Well probably but talking about them is not going to change the way I feel.

This morning my husband was reading this article.

Which I thought was wonderful. He tries very hard to understand everything he can about my illness.¬† I wish that he had an outlet but when he went to the spousal support boards he found them to be more negative then positive. I went to check it out because I thought maybe he was exaggerating because he didn’t want to use it, but it really was a bit of a downer.¬† It seemed every other post was about someone leaving their bipolar partner or having to deal with their infidelity.
For those people that kind of support may work, however for someone like my husband he needs a place where he can rant but not be told how much better his life would be without me.  So if anyone has any suggestions I would love to pass them on to him.  I know dealing with me is very hard on him as he is a fixer. I may have mentioned that before I think. He always wants to be able to make me feel better, when I am depressed it is really hard on him as well as me because there is really little he can do but occasionally make me laugh or smile. Which honestly is something wondrous in of itself.
I wish he could talk to me about me, but since I have such a fragile ego I don’t think it would be helpful to either of us. As it is my self esteem is pretty much non-existent no matter how many times he tells me how beautiful or smart or wonderful he finds me. Which also drives him bonkers and gets him frustrated.
Couples therapy obviously won’t work cause our relationship is strong but he already hears everything I think and feeling and I think he needs his own private time to deal with stuff.¬† Which honestly also scares the hell out of me. What if he sees someone who suggests he leaves me, what if he meets someone at an online support group and they fall madly in love and he leaves me.. ugh.. You see a theme here?¬† Ya and he even knows that I am writing that and says.. that’s your bipolar brain talking.. Which he is right he knows how it works.
So I need to think about this less selfishly and hopefully find him some kind of support..

I Want To Barf

I finally got up the courage and cut ties with my shrink. I feel like puking now, my hands are shaking my heart is racing. Hello old friend Panic Attack haven’t seen you in a while.

I wonder if I should just see one and let them diagnosis without telling what is actually wrong with me. I mean of course I would offer answers, but I feel like everyone just goes with the easiest course..

She’s Bipolar 1, She’s Bipolar NOS, she’s blah blah blah.. I don’t know I think the first doctor who got me before medication might have know a little more than this last one who saw me partially medicated without any real knowledge of what I was going through.

If someone would have asked me if I had dissociative things happening to me, I would have said no, but I clearly have a lot of leanings this well as well as the bipolar 1.. So maybe I’ll get some real help now that I understand what all these things happening to me really are.

There is nothing worse than telling a doctor you are constantly disconnected from your body and them not even acknowledging it.. Well I start the look today since I am sitting up but mostly numb mode..

What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Mood: I’m outta bed that’s something

Most people my age are already well into their lives, kids, career, home.. I had dreams, I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be a veterinarian, I wanted to be a song writer, I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be something.. Anything but what I am.

The fact that when I am manic, like many bipolars, I have such grand ideas. I have bought so many beads planning to make jewelry, tons of stuff to make perfume. Let’s add candle making, painting, photography and computer graphics¬†(at least I still use PS6¬†)¬†and the start of more novels then I can remember.¬†I’ve mostly just spent a¬†lot of money on closet space holders. Which if you know LA Apartment is not a lot of room! Half my stuff is spreading to other rooms.

I start working out and then buy like a gazillion video tapes, I might even stick to it for a couple of weeks. I have 3 different Shaun T videos. There will be no time soon I am even going to be close to doing insanity, but well I my thought was I would get there eventually.  Must HAVE it.

Even when I start a job,¬†I work as a phone sex¬†operator, as it’s the only thing I¬†can find to do with my situation.¬†So I buy books so I can excel at it. I buy websites so I can advertise and be noticed. I buy props and¬†software so I can be all I can be. Then I soon realize that the job makes me feel like shit.. Like complete shit..¬† I hate lying, I hate pretending to be something I am not and that is all that job is about. You don’t make friends, the other woman consider you competition so you talk to men all day who are married or just plain sick in the head and try not to feel like your soul is being sucked from your body.

I did vlogs for a while, but I hate the way I look so much that I was always deleting the videos and couldn’t look the camera in the eye, making them even more awkward.

I want to be a productive member of society. I want to be able to help my husband look after us. I want to be able to help buy our next home. I want to be good at something.¬† Living on idea’s doesn’t do anything for me or anyone else.¬† I have no idea what I want to do or be. I feel like I’ll be of retirement age before I even figure it out.

I couldn’t even finish public school because I got beat up by about 20 kids and it was kick them out or me.. Guess who they picked.

I’m not¬†ignorant¬†or anything like that. I think that I have a decent vocabulary and can write quite well when the mood takes. I am horrible at math though. So any career with math involved is pretty much out. I have so many out of body experiences that I am clumsy which puts out a lot of other careers. Plus the needing my husband to go out thing, maybe we could work somewhere together, I am sure he wouldn’t mind more hours on his already too long work week.¬† *sarcasm so doesn’t work well with print*

I hope that they get my meds to a point where I can be a real part of society but then that is just another thing in the long line of things to do when all I want to do live that dream that so many people take for granted.