support

Not About Me

I have the most wonderful husband. We’ve been together for over 15 years. He is gentle and kind and supportive. I get many hugs from him every single day. (unless he travels)I’m super fortunate to have such a good man. Even when I am depressed and on the edge of wanting to kill myself he can still manage to pull laughter from me.He’s a giant teddy bear. He’s what keeps me going. I just wanted to say how much I love him and like him. He’s my best friend and he puts up with my shit.

Today he found a dying baby bird in the parking lot at work and instead of walking by it like everyone else was he got a paper towel so he could put the poor little thing back in the nest.  He is such a good tender hearted person. I’m not sure what I did to deserve him but I am never letting him go.

I think I’ll go get a hug now.

 

Offensive Comments are Frustrating

Maybe it is just me but I am sensitive when it comes to my bipolarity and depression. While I can appreciate that everyone suffers differently from it I don’t like to hear any of the following sentences.

“She is sicker than you.”
“Their depression is harder on them then yours is.”
“They’ve tried to kill themselves more than you.”
“They’ve had to be hospitalized.”

I just find it so offensive that someone thinks they know what I am going through cause some fucking movie star starts telling their story of bipolarity.

My mother in law often compares my illness to that of Catherine zeta Jones and it pisses me off. I hide the way I feel from everyone but my husband, so I am so incredibly hurt when she says things like that. I don’t know what to do about her insensitivity. Right now I am just sitting here stewing over it. Which honestly helps no one. Yet I know that I can’t say anything to her about it because of the kind of person she is.

Argh.

Not Feeling Hate

I guess that is something. I’m kind of in the middle having moments of happiness and moments of sadness.

It’s preferable to the murderous hate I was feeling yesterday.

I am really hoping that things will pick up before Thursday, yet I do have the option of drowning my woes in wine so I don’t let my intense dislike of my sister in law show. It’s gonna have to be one or the other.

Hubby stayed home today and that was nice, he can often make me smile even when depressed, he is kind of like a magical being.  It made the day easier and I did some cleaning so the day was also productive.

I’m not gonna write much since I really just feel kind of blah.

Still Fucking Sad

Honestly this depression is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I woke up feeling so bleak. The sky was grey and blechy when I woke up and I felt the same way.

I thought that it might have just been a morning thing. Yet the longer the day went on the more depressed I felt. I tired listening to music and playing games again but this is such a chemical depression that I am finding a really hard time fighting it.

I did go out to visit the house with hubby today which always makes me feel hopeful but I went shopping with my MIL cash in pocket and bought fuck all. I couldn’t even get up the urge to buy. I mean buying is my thing, it’s almost an addiction for me and I couldn’t spend a dollar.

I am really hoping that I hear from the shrink tomorrow about increasing my Latuda it really seems to be one of the few choices I have in front of me. It does work on some level. Having up days seems to make the depression even worse because it’s like seeing the light for the first time and there being a Solar Eclipse a second later. It’s very tiring. I would like to be able to enjoy the holidays, here’s hoping!

 

It’s Hard To Be A Friend

As you know I often complain of being lonely. I have no clue how to make new friends and I am pretty anti-social. I have two people I would consider friends. My husband and My BFF Dani. We don’t talk as much as a lot of friends. We are both bipolar and have always just disappeared and reappeared in one another’s lives. That was ok with me.

I was often afraid to reach out even though she is always supportive and tells me the truth as opposed to what I want to hear. She is the only person that I allow to speak to me this way. I love her very much. Yet I am a horrible friend. She is going through some very big stuff and I’ve been wrapped up in my own stupid shit. My stuff really isn’t that important.

When we do talk she often asks about me and doesn’t give much info on herself and how she is doing. I find it frustrating and it makes me feel selfish.

My friend has cancer, I’m depressed. BFD on my end…

Needless to say I feel like a shitty friend.

Whatif’s 3

As you know I am the What If Queen. I am always wondering what would happen or what should happen.

What will happen if they build the people’s house down the road faster? That’s my new one. We bought ours first, got the for sale sign first and even had our name thingy first. Today even though they were working on our lot they had finished preparing theirs first.

They are now identical. I mean we completely designed out house. We could have picked some fancier items, or harder to install things and they may get into their house first. They havent even gotten to the framing yet but this is stressing me out.

What if I can create a charity? Will I be able to handle all that might entail? I asked my husband to help me do research on who I want to give the money to. What do I want to support, mental health or just bipolarity. I have time to figure it all out.

I never believed that bipolars could accomplish anything. I thought I was doomed to failure all my life. Reading other bipolars blogs have made me believe I can do good things with my life and I can accomplish things. I will fail from time to time but I have to keep trying.

I can’t get rid of it, so I need to learn to live successfully with it.

I Am Always Afraid

Tonight we had some horrible weather. Some warnings, some lightning and thunder. Luckily we never had a tornado hit, we even though we are still under a severe thunderstorm weather until 2am, so it not even being 9:30 its gonna be a long ass night.

The anger is still lurking, I’m just deeply unhappy and unsatisfied. I am happy when I am out of the house but then within a couple of hours of being back the darkness starts coming back again.

I got angry tonight at this painting that just hasn’t been going the way I like it. I asked hubby for a steak knife and stabbed the shit out of it. I didn’t feel any real malice but it felt somewhat relieving.

I want to cut my hair short and dye it pink and blue, but hubby wants me to keep it long. I don’t know if I want to keep it that way for him for change it for me. I mean he’s all I got and if he somehow found me less attractive I don’t know what I would do, I mean I’m already fat and old.. maybe I shouldn’t. I’m so torn.

I put one of my pictures up on a site to sell, for some reason I can’t get it to print above picture size but I think that it will be awesome if I can figure it out. I am going to make a print for my MIL because she really liked it. I hope she was being honest and not just kind.

Thursday seems like a long time off and tomorrow family is coming over for the holiday Monday. I must just keep breathing and stay calm..

Breathe, breathe, breathe..

oh and my fucking neck seems to hurt worse now then before I got it cracked. WTF.

Support?

I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.

I started to post on my blog. I did it  to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.

Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.

Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do.  I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.

Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.

I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:

  1. Post on both my blogs
  2. Do Lumosity
  3. Go Out and take at least 1 picture
  4. Do something with packing.

I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.

Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.

I So Did Not Want To Post

I’m tired and still feeling crummy. I went to the walk-in clinic to see if they could help and they were closed. Will go tomorrow before their end of day closing.  I’ve been avoiding going because I am afraid they are going to tell me something is wrong or tell me nothing is wrong. This cough though is getting super annoying. I thought my chest might be okay since I can sing a long note but I can’t keep putting things off. Admittedly I would just love to shove everything in a box and deal with it when we get back to Omaha but I don’t know that this will weight. That has nothing to do with posting though. I’m positing because I am starting to feel an affection to the people who read and comment on my blogs.

I always feel that people honestly care when they are leaving comments for me and I will the warmth of a hug when one is passed my way. I feel that I am very lucky. I had planned to write this blog as a way to vent and keep track of my moods and instead feel like I am becoming a part of a community. A community that doesn’t there there my hurts when I express them. This was not anything that I ever thought I would even want let alone need. I think I do though.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I could single out people and say the wonderful things they have said, but I have a fear of leaving someone behind and that never feels good.

THANK YOU!015

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..