I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.
I started to post on my blog. I did it to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.
Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.
Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts. I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do. I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.
Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.
I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:
- Post on both my blogs
- Do Lumosity
- Go Out and take at least 1 picture
- Do something with packing.
I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.
Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.
I So Did Not Want To Post
I’m tired and still feeling crummy. I went to the walk-in clinic to see if they could help and they were closed. Will go tomorrow before their end of day closing. I’ve been avoiding going because I am afraid they are going to tell me something is wrong or tell me nothing is wrong. This cough though is getting super annoying. I thought my chest might be okay since I can sing a long note but I can’t keep putting things off. Admittedly I would just love to shove everything in a box and deal with it when we get back to Omaha but I don’t know that this will weight. That has nothing to do with posting though. I’m positing because I am starting to feel an affection to the people who read and comment on my blogs.
I always feel that people honestly care when they are leaving comments for me and I will the warmth of a hug when one is passed my way. I feel that I am very lucky. I had planned to write this blog as a way to vent and keep track of my moods and instead feel like I am becoming a part of a community. A community that doesn’t there there my hurts when I express them. This was not anything that I ever thought I would even want let alone need. I think I do though.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I could single out people and say the wonderful things they have said, but I have a fear of leaving someone behind and that never feels good.