Month: May 2015

The Miracle of Life

Lately I have been depressed as you know because my friend is dying. It’s taken most my energy to just get out of bed most days.¬† It’s getting a little better as I am trying to accept it. I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually passes.

Yesterday I was reminded just how much a miracle life is. Really it was something so simple and you may even think it is dumb but it touched my heart. A little baby robin was sitting in this little pile of dirt just outside of our backdoor. We watched it as it kept flexing it’s wings and along came mama with a worm and fed her baby. I’d never seen this in real life. It just gave me an aww moment.

I should be reflecting on how for the most part my life is really good.

Losing your best and only friend should never have to happen though and I’m having a hard time with it. However I’m glad that I can still feel joy over the little things. It means there is hope.

On The Way to Disaster

0211.jpgIn response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “On the Way.”

I Don’t Know What To Do

I am so sad all the time. Even when I am stoned I still get flits of grief that make themselves through. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. The person I would normally talk to is the one dying.

I’ve worked on her painting, I’ve written her a hand written letter. I’ve cried numerous tears. It hurts so much. What do you do when you are losing the second closest person in your life.

Every time my phone rings I’m terrified that her husband is calling to tell me she has passed. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels or even how my BFF feels if she is even aware of what is going on. I kind of hope she doesn’t. The dementia may be a bit of a blessing in this case. I don’t know if that is though.

This is going to hurt for a long time.

My Best Friend Is Dying

AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.

I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.

I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.

Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.

I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.

I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.

She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.

I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.

Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.

I Hater Being Alone

Hubby hasn’t had to travel at all since we moved into the house. I was really hoping that he wouldn’t have to do it again. I get lonely and scared.

We found out that he has to travel this week and I have to be by myself for a couple of days. I’m having anxiety just thinking about it. I know I can do it though. I’m strong!

My moods have been semi stable. There has been some depression, but it’s not that bad. Yes I’m sad and want to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing at all. I’m trying to work past it though.

I’ve started on the painting for my BFF I think it is turning out okay so far. It’s hard to judge when I’m depressed because I am my own worst critic but I hope it turns out wonderful¬†as she is a wonderful person.

I Hate Emotions

Before my emotions were all really straight forward and I knew what the cause of them typically was. Now I’m not sure how I’m feeling sometimes or what is causing whatever feelings I am having.

I’ve felt very unmotivated the past several days. Right now I am fighting the urge to just go to bed and dream my life away. I’m so restless. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I know I’m not entirely happy but I also don’t feel super bad. I just feel kind of blah.

It really was easier before the meds started fixing all my bipolar shit..

Folic Acid

I thought folic acid was something that just pregnant women needed. However when my shrink did the saliva test it turned out I was low. Apparently the over the counter stuff isn’t what I need either so when I tried to get my script filled they wanted to charge me a whopping 165 dollars. I said nu-uh and waited until I saw my shrink this week. She gave me a month worth of samples to see if it actually helps. We’ll go from there in a month.

My mood has been pretty good. Like I said before I am feeling pretty normal. Which is kind of a bummer but good at the same time. My shrink is happy with my improvement.

I miss my hypomania so much though. What’s the saying, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Yep ain’t that the truth. I knew it was wonderful but didn’t know how much I would miss it. Needless to say it is taking a lot of adjusting.

The depression has been good. Only lasted a couple of days this month and it wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past. I guess that is something to put in the good column.