Tonight I Hurt

Today was a wonderful day. I spent a lot of time with my husband ad we had fun. I ate at new places, saw some new things. It was a semi-adventure. Tomorrow we plan to go to the Omaha Zoo. If all goes well.

Tonight I think I made a mistake. I contacted my dad by text. I’ve been feeling really guilty not talking to him, its been a couple of years and even though he was not a great father I still miss him from time to time. I haven’t seen him in 13+ years. Most of his text back to me were quick and abrupt. Once he realized it was me he got a little friendlier. Still it was lacking, he told me that he has been spending time with his GF while she has chemo and radiation. It made me feel bad that I didn’t know but no one knows she is keeping it as a secret.

I feel bad, first that I didn’t know. Second because I have never spoken particularly highly of her, I mean I don’t think much of her now. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but this doesn’t change the way I feel.

What do I mostly feel bad about is that my dad really didn’t seem to show any interest in me and when I told him I loved him, he said me too. Me too? Really? WE havent talked in 2 years and all I got was a me too. I’m hurt. Really hurt. Why the fuck do I even care?

I just wish I could be curled up in bed watching Nana or Ouran Highschool and getting lost reading the subtitles and enjoying the characters.. Instead I have been painting and I’m not happy with how it is going..

Am I a horrible person?

One comment

  1. No I do not think you are a horrible person. Relationships are tricky and it is not always easy to get to know people. I had no relationship with my Dad’s second wife, but then I made no effort and only met her on one brief occasion. Relationships take effort to make good ones. Very few continue over the long term without effort. Texting is not the best way to communicate with people as they lack the emotion. Comments can be taken out of their true context and things can be read into it that were not intended. I do wonder if your Dad’s GF hides things because she does not see you as part of his life? Plus it was really up to your Dad to tell you. As for your Dad responding with “me too”, some people are like this and don’t realise that someone would prefer to hear the words “I love you too”. I am careful to always tell my Mum “Love you” when saying goodbye. I also only communicate long distance by phone. I did not talk with my mother for many years, wrongly blaming her for all the crap that had happened in my life. But that changed when I got on the right meds and I have since rebuilt a loving relationship with Mum and arranged support for her, that she did not get for herself, in her aged years. And she now has a better quality of life in many ways.
    I wish you well in building a better relationship with your Dad, perhaps one that nourishes both of your needs’.


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