Month: July 2014

Monday, Monday

Well hubby and I will be starting our little weekend vacation tomorrow. I am excited to spend some quality time with him. Though for some reason he hates the words quality time. We are leaving behind our electronics and just gonna hang. Sunday we finish another thing in the path to building out forever home. So it should be a good weekend.

Monday, I’m both excited and nervous about it. I have my ECT consult. Right after I made the appointment I had a major anxiety attack. Shouldn’t surprise me, it’s a good thing yet a big deal.

My depression is pretty strong right now but I am trying to fight it as best as I can. I think the hardest part is the way my body feels. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car and I have been hit by a car so I actually have the comparison. I could definitely live without this, it makes me want to curl up and sleep to avoid it that and the never ending gloom following me like a singular dark rain cloud above my head.

It will get better though. When you hit the bottom you can only go up or drown and I am not drowning!!



Two Days Down

Yesterday was most uneventful. I did wake up so angry I could pop the head off a puppy, but it eventually passed. I know it was my mania coupled with the stress.

Today I went to get my mammogram and I am pleased to announce the girls are OK! Yay. They did suggest some genetic testing since so much cancer runs in my family so I let them take some blood and hopefully I will be better prepared going forward.

Last night I was too exhausted and pingbacked my other blog. I apologize for that.

I decided it was time to start taking better care of myself so I made a habit board, Lazymoan made cards but I wanted to make it like me, sparkly.

Habit Board

Habit Board

I think this will help a lot. My habit are hygeiene, taking the dogs out and exercising. 🙂

I’m off to do something naughty, eat angel food cake, yummy!

The Lovely Dani

The Lovely Dani.

A short tale or me and. My BFF, too tired to post.

It’s Gonna Be A Week

Today was a restful day. After crying for many hours last night I seemed to have gotten some of the emotional build up out. I also had some nightmares. I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my husband but first it will be a hectic week.

Tomorrow I am just cleaning the house but will also be calling and arranging my ECT appointment. I imagine this one will be a meet and greet and physical type one.

Tuesday I go for my breast exam and mammogram which I hope turns out to be nothing.

Wednesday there will be some furniture guys delivering a new dresser, no one will be here but me and I’m not really that comfortable with it but it is necessary.

Thursday I go to see my therapist and by that point I will most certainly need it. Plus I imagine mom and I will do lunch and some shopping!

Friday we finish the final bits of our contract and pay the rest of the money for the house to be started. Plus we head out of the hotel afterwards it will be nice!

I am looking forward to doing nothing but honestly I likely will go out and explore.

I just wish keeping busy kept my brain quiet, then it would be perfect.

I’m Just A Mess

I’m over sensitive I am crying at the drop of the hat and I don’t feel like posting.

Turns out I missed a call from the ECT people yesterday and now I have to wait until Monday.. So fucking frustrated don’t even want to post..

I mean fuck!

I’m depressed, I’m stressed and I’m fucking impatient. Stupid.

I did take some cute pics today though, I had moments of happiness.. just me and hubby being silly in nature.

Somethings Abreast at the Circle Foot

but seriously..

Today I got everything arranged to get my breast exam and mammogram. They have 3D imaging now so that there is less likely hood of me having to have a biopsy for a cyst again. That hurt like hell. Tuesday I should at least know something I hope.

This weekend I am just going to pick out rock siding and paints for our house so that Friday we are done with everything and they can start building the house. I can barely wait.

Emotionally today was not bad except for the anxiety about my breast and there is really nothing i can do until a doctor can cop a feel, so I am gonna not worry too much about it.

I spent most of the day by myself which was weird but good but boring. It will definitely take some getting used to again. It was nice was MIL came home and we went out and did some shopping together.

Then i cooked us an awesome dinner of rib eye steaks, crab stuffed mushrooms and grill asparagus, low carb is definitely nummy and I’ve lost 5 pounds so far.

Nothing exciting going on though at least for now.

Home Pieces

Today was eventful. I woke up at 6:00am for some freeking reason and needless to say I was stressed. One of my dogs threw up like a ton of food which made me gag the entire time cleaning up and then I went back to bed after doing some other cleaning around here.

When I went to sleep I had nightmares about someone who really abused me in many ways for many years, when I dream of him I usually am super stressed. I think everyone has one of those dreams ya know? It did help me figure out a lot of stuff.

I realized that while I am stressed about good stuff, I am also stressed about bad stuff. My BFF is ill. my daughter is practically living on the streets and jobless and my sister in law is going through a divorce. I’m not sure I’m coming to terms with everything but realizing they are there helps I suppose.

I nt to the therapist and shrinks and had a good session, found out that my paper work is getting sent out to the ECT place the beginning of next week, which is awesome! I also picked out all the stuff for my house, even the grout, seriously never even thought about that before.

Tonight something weird happened. I was doing something and all of a sudden my left nipple started hurting, like it’s still aching. I haven’t had a mammogram in three years so I suppose it is time for me to go and get it done. I will need to get a cab, I have no one to take me to these damn appts.

I’m not gonna stress it is likely nothing, right? I’m not really asking but I will work it out. Anyhow, ya.

Better or Worse?

Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.

Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.

I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.

I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.

I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.

Things Kind Of Suck

Things are just tense. My husband and I are constantly bickering. I mean honestly I think he is just doing stupid ass shit and pissing me off. Then when I get angry he gets all defensive and hurts my feelings and ,I get angrier.

Seriously we never fight. Even the stuff we are fighting over is absolutely ridiculous.

It’s stressful to say the least. We are going to be going away for the weekend the weekend after this upcoming one. I think I might not blog for two days and just enjoy some time with my husband.

That will be pretty hard for me to do though. I need to connect with my man though. We still haven’t had sex and we just aren’t spending time together and when we are it is in bed at night, going to the store or maybe to get some food. Even sitting here now we are bickering over where to restart a show.

Usually we just are so chill. It’s starting to scare me. 😦 Six months is going to be a very long time if things continue down this path.