I hate it that I feel like my pills are making a difference when today I feel like my world is collapsing. No reason for it but I sure feel like it’s been lasting forever. I hate that one day can drag me down so much. I did manage to cook breakfast and I am hoping like hell to have a shower today but I just feel like curling up and crying. There is only one problem, I haven’t been able to cry over anything in a couple of years it feel like. I could be slightly off, but I don’t know. A good cry would sure make me feel better I’m sure. Time to watch something that usually makes me cry. Maybe some animated Beauty and the Beast or maybe Iron Giant. I don’t know.. Maybe I should just run into the wall a bunch of times.
I hate the depression so much it just sucks the life out of me. If it wasn’t for my promise to Dani I don’t think that I would be even posting my blog.
I’ve been asking hubby to take me to Red Lobster for several weeks now. Even though he doesn’t really like any kind of seafood he finally decided to take me today. I ordered this dish that has everything, shrimp, crab and lobster thinking hell ya this is gonna be awesome. I remembered loving lobster and I normally dig shrimp. However I hated the lobster. I thought it was fishy and gross. I did love the crap legs though, talk about a lot of fun and damn tasty.
Today started off horribly, I bawled my eyes out for about 20-30 mins and ranted and raved because of how lonely and unhappy I have been during the week when no one is around. I passed blame for my boredom and unhappiness. I yelled and sobbed. I apparently had a lot to get off my chest. It started off as just a bad mood and then hubby poked and prodded until he finally made me break down. I needed to do it. I was holding everything in and just feeling more hate-filled and resentful and it was all towards my MIL.
I love her, but I can’t paint and I am tired of living in her house and feeling like I can’t be me. It just gets to be a bit much. I got a new game tonight though and had some fun finally. Sims 4, living other peoples lives! Hubby is going to talk to her about me being able to paint in the dining room again. Hopefully it will happen cause I really feel the need to create.
Tomorrow I plan on going out and doing some photography. I’m not sure where yet, but I hope to get some lovely pictures. I’ll post anything I really like.
Right now I feel relaxed, that’s the way I am gonna try and stay. We’ll see…
I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.
I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.
I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.
One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.
Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.
Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.
I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.
I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.
I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.
After writing my blog yesterday I had settled down a bit so when hubby came home I warned him that he should not poke the bear. He managed to do pretty well and we relaxed and watch some TV and just kind of chilled. I was even laughing and talking. I thought the worst had past, so did hubby.
We went to bed and planned to watch an episode of a show but then he realized the time and said I can’t do it I need to sleep. I basically mumbled okay whatever, to which he replied something not sure what cause at that point I just started screaming my ass off at him and than started sobbing so hard that I was hiccupping like a kid who fell down. I cried so hard I almost threw up.
Then I started in accusing him of making me stressed out, not taking care of me, and even started yelling at him for our Vegas vacation stating that he won’t stick up for me if his mom wants to do stuff. I was horrible.. Just horrible. I sat there kind of watching myself doing these things, thinking man I am bat-shit crazy why are you doing this.
Eventually I calmed down and we sat and had a long talk about our fears and the mutual stresses we were sharing. He never talks to me cause he is afraid to stress me out more, but knowing he is stressed to is actually kind of calming to know I am not alone.
Today I found out we are definitely moving back to Omaha so I am happy about that and with my little mental break I think that I got rid of a lot of held in stress. I’m not happy today but I don’t feel like I want to hurt anyone either, so improvement!
I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough. It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?
My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.
My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card. I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.
Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow. I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.
I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather. Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.
My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day. Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*
I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.