Impatience She Wrote

Today we went out to the house and the cabinets were up! It’s really starting to look like a house. However it seems like they are sitting on their asses when they should be working. We should have had a move in date of Feb 10th. Really there was no reason is couldn’t happen except the exceptional amount of time that the house sat there with no one doing anything. I hate fucking waiting.

As you can see I am a little annoyed. Checking my email every hour like a crazy person waiting to hear from the company that it is 45 days until our closing date and hearing nothing is just pissing me off at this point. I want to be in my house dammit. It’s been almost half a fucking year I have been living with my mother in law and it is going to be over that when we finally do move into the house.

I swear I am gonna turn into a hermit for the first few months and just relish the moments I am having in my house.

Til now I guess I will just go insane waiting. Can you go crazy from being impatient? Guess we’ll find out.

My Brain Is Confused

I cancelled all my therapy sessions but made an appt for the hair dresser. I’m getting it all cut off. Probably will lose another 2 pounds there since I’ve let it get so long. I found this super cute cut I want and hopefully it will be flattering to my face. I know it will give me much more ease of wear. Plus I get to go back to vibrant red as opposed to boring dirty blonde.

My mood has been better today it seems like things are taking an upswing and hopefully it keeps that way. My meds should help me through the anxiety of going out and doing things and looking better should help me feel better about going out. Hopefully it will ease all my anxiety I have been having lately. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe I will put up a pic of the new hair too!


Still Fucking Sad

Honestly this depression is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I woke up feeling so bleak. The sky was grey and blechy when I woke up and I felt the same way.

I thought that it might have just been a morning thing. Yet the longer the day went on the more depressed I felt. I tired listening to music and playing games again but this is such a chemical depression that I am finding a really hard time fighting it.

I did go out to visit the house with hubby today which always makes me feel hopeful but I went shopping with my MIL cash in pocket and bought fuck all. I couldn’t even get up the urge to buy. I mean buying is my thing, it’s almost an addiction for me and I couldn’t spend a dollar.

I am really hoping that I hear from the shrink tomorrow about increasing my Latuda it really seems to be one of the few choices I have in front of me. It does work on some level. Having up days seems to make the depression even worse because it’s like seeing the light for the first time and there being a Solar Eclipse a second later. It’s very tiring. I would like to be able to enjoy the holidays, here’s hoping!


Depressed and Insecure

I have no motivation, yet I want to do a million things at once. Once I accomplish something I feel like it is shit.

For example my very first try at a manga drawing wasn’t horrible. I just think it was a big piece of shit.

I havent showered in a week. Tonight was my first one and it is only because tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get a mole checked on my back instead of going to therapy.

I wish I hadn’t of cancelled my appt with the therapist but I’ve already had precancerous moles removed and hubby does a mole check every month. He found a couple new one and is concerned about one. I trust him. It may be nothing but if it is I’d rather another giant scar on my back then death.

I’m stressed out which honestly with everything going on is not surprising. Adding one more thing to the mix just makes things interesting in my head. It’s batshit crazy in there right now.

I’m trying to find the positive, but it is lower on the horizon then it has been the past few days. I feel like I am sinking.

Sad, Mad, Glad

Last night I went to bed sad and I woke up sad. I hate that. I went through a gazillion moods as usual. I can’t wait to talk to my shrink about the mood stabilizer. Hopefully using it and the Latuda together will work. I am willing to go through all the old school ones that I’ve tried before. Always gotta keep trying right?

I drove out to the lot again today it makes me feel good looking at my future. It seems to pick up my spirits. Just going outside in itself seems to make my mood better. A while after I step back inside again I start feeling negative emotions and it drives me fucking crazy.

I’ve been painting a lot though, almost have a few more done, I liked to work on several at a time. I have big plans for one of them but it’s a secret until I see if it works out or not 😉

Things will get better, they will get better… Still breathing.

Almost forgot I hit 200 followers today, that is pretty thrilling!!!

Not Feeling Great

After my hair salon appointment on Thursday I wasn’t feeling great. Emotionally I was good but physically I was having some issues. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain and didn’t sleep very well. Today it is even worse 😦 I am a hey and nauseated and a little light headed. Definitely not fun.

Even though I felt bad we went out and went to a state park and walked in the woods, fed fish and geese, I took some no pictures I’ll put them up soon. We then headed over to the lot of model home and spent some time there daydreaming about decor and how nice having our home will be.

It really started to take a turn later in the afternoon, I did manage to go to lunch but now I feel horrible, HORRIBLE!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night after barely sleeping an hour or so, I had a horrible anxiety attack about having a heart attack. My chest muscles are so as are the ones in my back from when I had my back cracked and I’ve been exercising more then usual. I know it’s not really going to happen but I really tend to worry about death, a lot.

The future looks positive, we are going to have a home! We are still madly in love. I am married to my best friend. So when I don’t worry messing things up I worry about dying and not seeing my dreams come true. My brain really pisses me off.

I’m not surprised that I got I’ll, I’ve been exposed to more people in the last couple of months then I have in the last four years. Bugs happen.

Soooo Emotional

I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.

I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.

There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.

What To Do?

I’m bored! I’m wandering around the house. I am wandering the web. I can’t find anything to do. How am I supposed to keep myself amused for the next few days. I’m trying to figure out not only what to do with myself now but as a career.. I need to become something.

I know I am super unstable. Working traditional means is just is not going to fly with me.  I don’t want to go back to be a phone sex operator though.  The money was good but it made me feel bad about myself. I do want to make money though. I would like to be able to at least support some of my habits without hubby having to worry. He works really hard and deserves not to stress about me and my hobbies and collections.

So I’m thinking, and I’m wandering and I’m seriously bored because I can’t find anything. *sigh*

I don’t want to a be a grown woman with an allowance. That’s what is going to happen when we get the house though if I don’t find a some sort of income.. oh well.. I suppose I have some time.

I need to draw more, I need to paint more.. maybe I’ll be good. *shrug*

Not a good day.

Today Was Interesting!!

Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.

Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook.  My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.

I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..

How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…

The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..

I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.

On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..

Total Meltdown

After writing my blog yesterday I had settled down a bit so when hubby came home I warned him that he should not poke the bear. He managed to do pretty well and we relaxed and watch some TV and just kind of chilled. I was even laughing and talking. I thought the worst had past, so did hubby.

We went to bed and planned to watch an episode of a show but then he realized the time and said I can’t do it I need to sleep. I basically mumbled okay whatever, to which he replied something not sure what cause at that point I just started screaming my ass off at him and than started sobbing so hard that I was hiccupping like a kid who fell down. I cried so hard I almost threw up.

Then I started in accusing him of making me stressed out, not taking care of me, and even started yelling at him for our Vegas vacation stating that he won’t stick up for me if his mom wants to do stuff.  I was horrible.. Just horrible.  I sat there kind of watching myself doing these things, thinking man I am bat-shit crazy why are you doing this.

Eventually I calmed down and we sat and had a long talk about our fears and the mutual stresses we were sharing. He never talks to me cause he is afraid to stress me out more, but knowing he is stressed to is actually kind of calming to know I am not alone.

Today I found out we are definitely moving back to Omaha so I am happy about that and with my little mental break I think that I got rid of a lot of held in stress. I’m not happy today but I don’t feel like I want to hurt anyone either, so improvement!