crazy

OMG For Realz?

Mood: Out of Body? Is that a Mood?

I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough.  It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?

My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.

My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card.   I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.

Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow.  I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.

I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather.  Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.

My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day.  Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*

I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.

I’m Falling Apart

Last night when I tried to go to sleep I ended up paralyzed on my back trying to scream for my husband in absolute terror.  Of course he never heard a thing because you can’t even whisper let alone scream. I don’t even know why it happened, I thought I had gotten enough sleep.

Today I had a major breakdown.  I just sobbed and sobbed trying to remember who I was. I just don’t feel like me.  I am just in that little bubble watching my mind tear itself a part trying to figure out a way to fix everything.  At this moment I feel hopeless and just want to take some sleeping meds and then sleep until I feel better.  Whenever that is going to happen.

My cycles are so radical I can never tell. I just know when I feel good I hope it lasts forever and it quickly lets me down.

Those damn men were yelling and cheering and annoying the shit out of me again today, it made me actually get up and scream shut of the fuck up out my window.. Not once but three times. I tried contacting the office here, no one answered.. I tried writing an email and that email bounced back with a I’m not here right now call the office.

Honestly the last thing I need when I am like this is sound. I hate the way people sound when they are en mass. I can barely tolerate it when I am up and even then I have to have music in the background so I can focus. I wanted to cut a bitch. Seriously though.. I just breathed and lay back down and sat there for a couple hours doing nothing, just staring off into space. Waiting for my husband to get home and save me with a little levity and contact.  I feel numb and cold and spacey.. I imagine this is very much what a porcelain doll feels, fragile and empty.

He’s gonna end up leaving me, I am such a strain on his life..

He’s on his way home and wanted to know what I wanted to eat, baby carrots.. that’s it. I have all of a sudden gotten this distaste for meat, well for most anything but meat most especially, It’s been going on for over a week now and seems to be getting worse. Which is bad cause our freezer is packed with meat thanks to his mothers need to send it for gifts for every occasion.  blech

How bad is bad? I’m afraid I don’t know. I just know that each time I go into the pit of hell, it gets darker and more painful.

 

A Great Talk

Mood: Levelish.. for now I guess..

marina del rey

My mood yesterday was crazy, I started off sad, then slightly manic, then contemplative, then insecure.. One of the good things about it is I went out to the marina *see picture above*  and went out to dinner, both really hard things for me to do so they were big accomplishments. I don’t know what this had to do with the moods. I am trying to go out for at least a walk when I am feeling sad though, apparently exercise helps!

When I was sitting down to dinner with hubby we got to talking about the way I was before I got medicated. Honestly I have been talking his ear of a lot the last few weeks as I am trying to finally reach some kind of acceptance of my diagnosis so that I can just come to terms with it. For some reason those first few years are mostly a fog, but he remembers everything quite clearly, something I think I will probably never forgive myself for. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but having someone who loves you suffer in anyway never feels good.

We went over a lot of my hypersexual behavior, which honestly for him was mostly a win, I was also very involved in the personal problems of other people and while I never hid the fact of it from him, I was also may have been to forthright and he actually got concerned that I had been having an affair. I didn’t even know about this until today. It breaks my heart to have him to have ever of thought that for a second. It’s the one thing I have managed to avoid doing and will continue regardless how bad this gets, I hope.

He is my everything. Some will say this might be a bad thing. I don’t know if it is. He literally saved my life. He came to meet me in Canada for my birthday. I had planned to kill myself after meeting with him. I however had the most profound experience. He was very sick, so all we could do was talk, snuggle, nap and watch cartoons (we both love em). I had already had feelings for him, but in that time I fell in love with him. So I decided to chase him down in Nebraska and we were together ever since.

That’s not to say it has been easy, I tried to kill myself during one of my manic episodes. He hadn’t done something with the laundry and I went bat shit crazy about it then took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. After that I have no memories of it at all, but he does. I hate that. He tells me the stories of it from time to time and laughs because I drove the nurses crazy by being a general pain in the ass. He saves me time and time again.

His smile can just amaze me.

He worries that he doesn’t feel things strongly enough. He is soft spoken and kind and rarely gets angry when others would be well past their breaking point but when he loves me, he loves me more than I have ever seen ever in the entire world.. Well you get my meaning, I’ve never seen the entire world.

I can’t say how lucky I am, I can never express it enough. I just hope that I can be a better person and keep him happy, I would hate to see that smile go away.

Wow Taking Meds Works?

I am starting to feel a little better now. My body isn’t hurting as much as it was before and I can actually stand without falling over. Yay!

I wish I could remember to take my pills, you would think that it is so vital for my existence to take them that I would remember. Pain, nausea, faintness heart palpitation’s for missing a week of Lamictal. Wish they warned you about those side effects.

The my viibryd works better than anything else I have taken and I think I have pretty much taken them all. Kind of like a last chance and I still manage to mess it up.

I am hoping that writing this blog will help both me and others if someone decides to read it.

Unmedicated I was a hot mess. I was violent and impulsive and so much more.. I came so close to losing the man of my dreams by pushing him away.  You definitely do not want to lose someone who always treats you with kindness regardless of how batshit crazy you act. It’s always so hard for us to have relationships. I don’t even have any friends because I don’t have the ability to be a responsive person. I disappear into the cracks for months then show up again.

Ugh I got off on a rant..  That’s me lol