Mood: Levelish.. for now I guess..
My mood yesterday was crazy, I started off sad, then slightly manic, then contemplative, then insecure.. One of the good things about it is I went out to the marina *see picture above* and went out to dinner, both really hard things for me to do so they were big accomplishments. I don’t know what this had to do with the moods. I am trying to go out for at least a walk when I am feeling sad though, apparently exercise helps!
When I was sitting down to dinner with hubby we got to talking about the way I was before I got medicated. Honestly I have been talking his ear of a lot the last few weeks as I am trying to finally reach some kind of acceptance of my diagnosis so that I can just come to terms with it. For some reason those first few years are mostly a fog, but he remembers everything quite clearly, something I think I will probably never forgive myself for. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but having someone who loves you suffer in anyway never feels good.
We went over a lot of my hypersexual behavior, which honestly for him was mostly a win, I was also very involved in the personal problems of other people and while I never hid the fact of it from him, I was also may have been to forthright and he actually got concerned that I had been having an affair. I didn’t even know about this until today. It breaks my heart to have him to have ever of thought that for a second. It’s the one thing I have managed to avoid doing and will continue regardless how bad this gets, I hope.
He is my everything. Some will say this might be a bad thing. I don’t know if it is. He literally saved my life. He came to meet me in Canada for my birthday. I had planned to kill myself after meeting with him. I however had the most profound experience. He was very sick, so all we could do was talk, snuggle, nap and watch cartoons (we both love em). I had already had feelings for him, but in that time I fell in love with him. So I decided to chase him down in Nebraska and we were together ever since.
That’s not to say it has been easy, I tried to kill myself during one of my manic episodes. He hadn’t done something with the laundry and I went bat shit crazy about it then took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. After that I have no memories of it at all, but he does. I hate that. He tells me the stories of it from time to time and laughs because I drove the nurses crazy by being a general pain in the ass. He saves me time and time again.
His smile can just amaze me.
He worries that he doesn’t feel things strongly enough. He is soft spoken and kind and rarely gets angry when others would be well past their breaking point but when he loves me, he loves me more than I have ever seen ever in the entire world.. Well you get my meaning, I’ve never seen the entire world.
I can’t say how lucky I am, I can never express it enough. I just hope that I can be a better person and keep him happy, I would hate to see that smile go away.
So much of your story sounds like mine. My “fog” is roughly 7 years. My wife am I are currently separated because of all the issues also stated. It kills me to think I Hutt her for so long without taking my meds. Now that I’m getting the help I need I’m trying to reconcile. It’s very slow going. Hopefully with help you will be able to get control of your life. Good wishes.
I hope that you and your wife work things out. I hate the fog, it makes things so much easier for us to hide behind. I suppose some would call it a blessing I think it is a curse.