Bipolar

No Creativity

I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!

My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.

I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.

It’s really pissing me off.

I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.

It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.

I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.

anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.

Since I’m Having a Good Day

I think I’ll post! Sorry it has been a while but I have been seriously so depressed I was happy if I showered once every two weeks! I’ve had no motivation. Honestly I say it is partially genuine feelings and this new weed I got. Both make me want to do more.

I did go to Applebee’s during a slow time for lunch last week. Slowly getting at doing more.

I’ve been playing my computer games but still haven’t painted. I can feel it coming though the painting will happen sometime I just have to patiently wait for my brain to allow it.

My anxiety has sucked a lot lately.  My brain just always goes to a negative place for every single thought that I have. I don’t know what to do about it except give my head a shake and go on to the next thought and hope it is better.

Anyhow nothing really has happened besides the Applebee’s thing. My life is not real exciting right now. My days are spent stoned and dozing in the recliner listening to music. It makes me feel relaxed and shuts that voice up for a little while. So I always end up doing it every day. Though the night before I always claim will be a weed free day but it doesn’t end up that way.  oh well.

I’ve Been Getting Urges

I have been getting urges to go back to work. Which is something I know I’m not ready for. I’m too damn shy to be any kind of telemarketer or phone sex op. I’ve done both so I know what I think I’ll be good at.  It’s not that I would be bad I would just be uncomfortable. I want to start going out of the house before I seriously consider working from home. I need to be able to push myself. This agoraphobia is a real bitch. I haven’t been out in I think six weeks. Well that’s not true because I did walk to the mail box on my own several times. The neighborhood feels comfortable enough for me to walk a little ways from the house on my own.

Omg this post is awful, not artfully written at all. I dunno I just want to share the changes that are happening, but am still not back to posting every day. I need to push myself to do it as I feel better after posting.

Anyhoo there’s that.

A New Post

This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.

I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself.  Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.

Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.

 

Death

Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.

Lately all I can do is think about death.  I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either.  I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.

I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.

I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.

fuck…

 

Things Haven’t Changed Much

As you can see from the title things haven’t changed much. I’m still not painting, still not doing much. I’m depressed most of the time and I want out of this jail cell but can’t think for one minute of where I would even go and be comfortable.

Now I have to go make my lunch.

Stoned again.. sigh

Painting

I still haven’t painted. I got all the things I need, I have instructional videos. Bob Ross has so many I can follow along with I’m just not motivated to do it and I’m also afraid of doing it. Pretty dumb huh? Oh well.

I don’t know why I decided to write today but I thought that I ought to check in and give a wassup.  😛

I haven’t been in the best of moods. Usually I have day after day of depression. Right now I am on 3mg of Rexulti and 300mg of Wellbutrin for my depression. I think I need something else in there but I’ll work that out on my next shrinks appt.

Oh and I dyed my hair dark pink. So that’s fun.

Anyhoo going to go now..

 

The Depression Has Been Shitty Lately

I’m finding it hard to get motivated to get out of bed let alone blog.  I did have a couple of good days but I took advantage of them and hung with hubby. I find when I am actively spending time with him as opposed to just sitting side by side at our computers I feel better about the outlook on life.

Our Birthdays are both coming up and I really didn’t want to do anything for mine at least but now we are having to do a family gathering. sigh… I hate being reminded that I’m getting older… 48 this year, another 2 and I can have aarp lol.

Anyhow I wanted to apologize to people who actually read this blog.. Sorry I just suck balls lately.

 

Went Out Today

Today I walked round our block catching Pokemon and talking with my husband. I also went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like writing or really doing anything at all so there have been no real accomplishments except going on living.

Today I am just sitting back relaxing listening to tunes and smoking green.

The depression has been weighing on me quite a bit lately. I really think I need to set an alarm for blogging again. Ya I think I will, if I remember.. hehe.

I hope to be returning back to writing daily soon.

3 Years

So apparently I’ve had this blog for 3 years. I really need to start writing more again.

I have been pretty self involved lately and have been doing things I want to. The amazing thing is I want to do things. I mean the want to do anything is amazing.

I haven’t done anything exciting and I’m almost ready to start doing some painting, just waiting for an easel that I purchased. I’m going to be trying painting with Bob Ross so for Christmas hubby let me get a bunch of new brushes and paints, I’m very excited but also very nervous about it, not sure why I am nervous but I just am.

I went a couple of weeks I think without weed, it was interesting. I find I can do fine either way.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with hubby too. Woot, love spending time with that man.