writing

Going Back And Forth

“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)

Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately.  It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.

My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.

So it’s definitely improving.

I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?

Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.

The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.

GOing

I decided to download pokemon go on my phone to try and get out a little more. I don’t know if it will help but hubby and I are going to his mom’s Saturday and hopefully I’ll catch one or two.

I’m still quite depressed and don’t feel like doing much.

I Hate Being Sick :(

I’ve had some kind of stomach virus for close to a week and it feels horrible. I’m sore and achey and really just want to go back to the day where I felt ok. Just ok would be amazing.

It helps with my weight loss though.  I think I can find better ways to deal with that honestly. Like eating good food. All I’ve had over the past week is crackers and ginger ale.

I’m on my second day without smoking anything. It helps a lot with the nausea but you know if you can’t eat when high that you are really and truly sick.

My mood is what I like to call sucky. You know where you just want to crawl into the lap of someone who loves you and be held? Ya that.

I’m working on writing more. Every other day so far. I hope to get back to posting every day again. It helps with well everything to be able to vent and know you have support.

Resolutions? Plausible.

I usually don’t make resolutions because honestly usually by the second week in January I have failed and am beating myself up. I realized that I make really big ones that are hard to do anytime. Like the common.. I’ll lose weight. My brain just can’t wrap itself around it. I have tried for years and haven’t been successful. So my resolutions will be smaller, easier to manage.

I gave up caffiene (I think) a few month ago. It’s been at least a couple. I didn’t think I could handle it, but it really interferes with the way my brain works and I don’t want to make things even harder on the meds meant to fix me.

So here are my resolutions.

1) Give up potatoes. I can do this, I’ve mostly stopped getting fries when I get meals so just going to expand on that.

2) I am going to try and breathe more. Like instead of freaking out and being angry or annoyed all the time I am going to take a moment out to myself, turn on some music or just have a nap and breathe. Stepping away is something I’ve been avoiding because I dread being alone. I make myself so much more than I need to.

3) I’m going to continue blogging every day. I am hoping to start my writing and picture blog back up when we get in the house and I have access to my computer. This one will keep going every day. I find that most days I actually look forward to writing. There are the ones I dread but then I feel proud of myself for doing it regardless of how I am feeling.

That’s it, nothing special, just three smallish resolutions to start the new year off. I think I can do these. Once I get into my home I may add more things to the list, but honestly there isn’t a lot of possibility of them happening whilst living in someone else’s home.

Do you think you make realistic resolutions if you made any?

 

Even When Your Not In The Mood

I write my blog every day but I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes I stumble over what to say or my day has been so vanilla that there has been nothing interesting emotionally to write about. Yet it is the one promise that I keep to myself. Trust me I’ve made tons.

I’ve started diets and failed multiple times and exercise programs. Cleaning the house or myself. Wearing makeup or doing my hair. None of these things have I ever done for this amount of time.

So I’m writing, I’m here today and I will be tomorrow. The only reason I won’t write will be because something horrific has happened. Just not wanting to is not enough of a reason not to do it.

Next year I will be doing more than writing, probably photos and stories as well as my moods, but for now this is what it is.. enjoy

300th Post

Some days I wrote more than one post but 300 posts is pretty amazing to me. I have never been able to stick to anything this long and the fact that I might actually make a full year of doing something just strikes me as odd. I’m glad that it was writing though. It’s my favorite thing to do. I’ve done it forever and I hope one day to do it on a more professional level. Let’s see what a full year of writing holds.

Today I was listening to one of my favorite comedians Maria Bamford. She is funny and bipolar 2. She shows me that bipolars can be successful. I know there are actors and stuff but I relate to her more.  In fact when one particular actress came out as Bipolar I felt anger. I’ve since gotten over it and am happy that people in the limelight shed more light on our illness.

We went out to the house and they have all of our windows in! I can’t believe how fast things are moving along now. It’s great to see movement each day. It makes me able to enjoy the little light of hope that is in my heart.

Sunday is my 13th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that someone has stuck with me this long! Life is truely a mystery,

Good day all in all, not so moody and my cold is getting better (I think).

Very Inspiring Award? Me?

Waking up and logging into my email this morning was surprising because not 1 but 2 people nominated me for
very-inspringaward
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Dyane of Proudly Bipolar and N.Eleanore.S of The Revelation of Being Bipolar. Two Amazing blogs check them out!!
The rules in accepting this award is as follows:
•Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
•List the rules and display the award.
•Share seven facts about yourself.
•Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
•Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you. Done! 😀

7 Facts About Colleen:
1) Even though I am an agoraphobic, I love the outdoors. I could hike all day if my brain didn’t get in the way.
2) I’ve won awards for gymnastics and did it for close to 10 years.
3) I used to write contests for take180 and actually was part of some hilarious episodes. Harry Potter and the Oooh something Shiney
4) I’ve never gotten past grade 8 education.
5) My love colors yet whenever I buy clothes I always end up with black.
6) I love painting and photoshop!
7) I’ve never lived alone, ever. Even when I lived on the streets I was with people.

The 15 blogs I would like to nominate are :
1)Change Your Mind!
2)DysthymiaBree
3)Glenn2point0
4)LazyMoan
5)Inside of the Mind of a Borderline Mother
6)Despair to Deliverance
7)I Am My Own Island
8)Bipolar in Bloom
9) Bi(polar) Curious

I only have 9 blogs to add. It has made me realize that I need to be more active within the blogging community. These blogs are all wonderful.

My Head Might Explode

My shrink called me last night finally. We decided to go off the Viibryd cold turkey and because my blood was so low to go up to 900mgs of lithium. I will start this Wednesday since my husband will be home and I hate increasing drugs when I am alone. The doctor told me I would have flu like symptoms, but since I have a sinus infection I just can’t get rid of I have more of a migraine and a body ache.

The sun is streaming in the window and I want to punch it in the face. I need a shower I have to wait for hubby to come home cause I am wobbly though. Last night I was just going to cut all my hair off, it’s a little below my shoulder blades. I thought I might shear myself like that sheep. I thought about it and didn’t do it though. Yet ,anyhow. I don’t want to be one of those fat old broads with short spikey hair. I would spike it. HA!

Today my creativity is all in a black swirling blob on the floor. I can’t think of anything to write on my other blog and here I just want to post about feeling like shit. I know its going to get worse. I know I am going to be alone for the worse of it.

On top of everything our house we rent out had some kind of damage done apparently during one of the wonderful storms Omaha is experiencing.. I want to move back there why? Oh ya home sick. Luckily hubby and insurance are taking care of it or it would stress me out, who am I kidding I’m still stressed out.

We drive home on the 25th of June with a short jaunt (2 day drive) to Texas to see my BFF. I am very excited about seeing her. I can’t wait to spend some time face to face with her.

I am however terrified of driving down tornado alley to get home. We are going to hit part of it regardless of the way things go. I hate tornadoes.

Sometimes it is hard for me to post because I only have a grade 8 education and feel inferior to everyone, I hate that.

Okay I am going to shut up now I realized that I am babbling.

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..

Col

This is a dream I had.

There was a young girl named Tuesday whose mother was gone for long periods of time. She was very lonely as her father was always at work or out with his friends.

One day her  mother brought her home a purple teddy bear with a pink bow to keep her company and keep her safe.

The girl was thrilled and the bear made a wonderful friend! It protected her from the monsters in the closet and under the bed. It played with her when she was lonely and loved her like only a mother could. It did such a wonderful job in fact that she never noticed that her mom had never come home again after that day.

As she grew up she took the bear with her everywhere. It was even packed to take with her as she left for college.

When she got to her dorm room, she unpacked everything and realized the bear was gone. She searched frantically trying to find it but all she could find was a boring brown bear.  She called home to ask her father if he had seen it and he slurring told her that he had thrown it away.

She cried and cried, horrified to have lost the only friend she had ever had.

She walked through the halls of school looking frightened and sad a mere shadow of the happy girl that she used to be. She started noticing things around her, the people scared her and often she felt like at any moment she was going to die her heart pounding so hard in her chest she thought it would pop through.

The brown bear was no substitution and she always felt ill at ease in it’s presence.  Even though her father had given it to her as a replacement it didn’t hold the love and protection her purple bear had. It made her mind ask a question she never thought to ask before.

Where was her mother?

She called her father and he mumbled that he didn’t know,  that she had disappeared years ago.

She started to see the monsters everywhere again. Threatening her, teasing her always making her feel unsafe.

She called family and the police but no one knew where her mother had gone.

She couldn’t handle school anymore so she returned home. Tuesday could see things with clear eyes, her drunken father, the house barely standing, filled with garbage and 100’s of bottles of all various kinds and shapes.

She searched every room in the house trying to find some hint of where her mother had gone and couldn’t even find a picture.

She realized there was one room she hadn’t checked and as she rushed to the door she realized it was locked and that for some reason it frightened her very badly.  She asked her father for the key but he said he had lost it before he fell asleep in a drunken stupor.

She sat in the floor in frustration, tears forming in her eyes when she saw her purple teddy in her minds eye. It gave her the idea to pick the lock since it was one of those old skeleton types that were so easy to open.

She took some bobby pins and poked and prodded until *click* the door creaked open. She sat for a moment catching her breath as her heart started to pound, her mouth got bitter as she could feel the bile building up in her throat. Then she stood up, tucked her chin and slowly walked up the stairs to the attic.

The room was bright, as the sun streamed through the windows. In the corner was a colorful chest and on top of it was her purple bear! She squealed with glee and pick it up hugging it to her chest and humming a happy song. The bear dragged her towards the chest and she ran forward her fingers pressing the buttons on the front.

It sprang open her throat catching a scream as her eyes caught the skeleton. The skeleton of someone she knew. She recognized the locket around it’s neck. This was her mother and held in her mothers arms was a purple bear with a pink bow just like the one she was given many years ago….