I Hate Being Sick :(

I’ve had some kind of stomach virus for close to a week and it feels horrible. I’m sore and achey and really just want to go back to the day where I felt ok. Just ok would be amazing.

It helps with my weight loss though.  I think I can find better ways to deal with that honestly. Like eating good food. All I’ve had over the past week is crackers and ginger ale.

I’m on my second day without smoking anything. It helps a lot with the nausea but you know if you can’t eat when high that you are really and truly sick.

My mood is what I like to call sucky. You know where you just want to crawl into the lap of someone who loves you and be held? Ya that.

I’m working on writing more. Every other day so far. I hope to get back to posting every day again. It helps with well everything to be able to vent and know you have support.

Not Feeling Great

After my hair salon appointment on Thursday I wasn’t feeling great. Emotionally I was good but physically I was having some issues. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain and didn’t sleep very well. Today it is even worse 😦 I am a hey and nauseated and a little light headed. Definitely not fun.

Even though I felt bad we went out and went to a state park and walked in the woods, fed fish and geese, I took some no pictures I’ll put them up soon. We then headed over to the lot of model home and spent some time there daydreaming about decor and how nice having our home will be.

It really started to take a turn later in the afternoon, I did manage to go to lunch but now I feel horrible, HORRIBLE!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night after barely sleeping an hour or so, I had a horrible anxiety attack about having a heart attack. My chest muscles are so as are the ones in my back from when I had my back cracked and I’ve been exercising more then usual. I know it’s not really going to happen but I really tend to worry about death, a lot.

The future looks positive, we are going to have a home! We are still madly in love. I am married to my best friend. So when I don’t worry messing things up I worry about dying and not seeing my dreams come true. My brain really pisses me off.

I’m not surprised that I got I’ll, I’ve been exposed to more people in the last couple of months then I have in the last four years. Bugs happen.

I Am Always Afraid

Tonight we had some horrible weather. Some warnings, some lightning and thunder. Luckily we never had a tornado hit, we even though we are still under a severe thunderstorm weather until 2am, so it not even being 9:30 its gonna be a long ass night.

The anger is still lurking, I’m just deeply unhappy and unsatisfied. I am happy when I am out of the house but then within a couple of hours of being back the darkness starts coming back again.

I got angry tonight at this painting that just hasn’t been going the way I like it. I asked hubby for a steak knife and stabbed the shit out of it. I didn’t feel any real malice but it felt somewhat relieving.

I want to cut my hair short and dye it pink and blue, but hubby wants me to keep it long. I don’t know if I want to keep it that way for him for change it for me. I mean he’s all I got and if he somehow found me less attractive I don’t know what I would do, I mean I’m already fat and old.. maybe I shouldn’t. I’m so torn.

I put one of my pictures up on a site to sell, for some reason I can’t get it to print above picture size but I think that it will be awesome if I can figure it out. I am going to make a print for my MIL because she really liked it. I hope she was being honest and not just kind.

Thursday seems like a long time off and tomorrow family is coming over for the holiday Monday. I must just keep breathing and stay calm..

Breathe, breathe, breathe..

oh and my fucking neck seems to hurt worse now then before I got it cracked. WTF.

Murder She Wrote

I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.

I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.

I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on. 

I feel worthless. I hate it 😦

I’m In A Hallows Mood

I love Halloween,it’s my favorite holiday. Everyone is starting to sell decorations and clothing related to it. I even purchased a beta fish Halloween tank that comes with a black light. I did not buy a fish because it would just be a pain to move the damn thing but I’m gonna super prepared for next year.

On a non Halloween note I bought these super cute hit pink sneakers. They are called air walks. I guess they were really popular in the 80s for me hot pink is popular any time. They also had Peter Pan get away boots which I had to get a pair of. The 80s was my favorite decade I don’t mind if it comes back around!

I’ve always been super girly and I dig the clothes that are super feminine. When I lose some more weight I am gonna get some cute heels!!!

I’ve had a lot of positivity today. I’m in a lot of pain because something is out in my upper back. I am seeing a chiropractor on Thursday. Hubby says it is pretty swollen so I hope that I can get it corrected. I’m telling ya, I’m tired of feeling like shit.

What To Do?

I have been feeling off, I can’t allow this to control my life though. I have a cold and I should just be resting to get over it. Instead I have been worried about death. It’s filled my thoughts constantly nagging me. Pulling at my heart and soul. I want to live it a long life. I want to enjoy life. I want to be with Jim as long as I can be.
I have to stop living in fear, fear does nothing but waste life. I need to life life life.. Enjoy the wonderful things in life. The plants, the clear blue skies. The zoo, the movies. My art. I need to live.
I need to be medicated again and I am looking forward tackling with my shrink and therapist about working on my bipolarity and helping me live life again. I was doing fabulous before I came back here and I’ve backslide. I do that too much. I can’t allow myself to be pushed back to nothing again.
I am strong!

Session Two Down

I’ve made it through my second session. I had a heck of a headache afterwards but it has started to clean up and just be a dull ache in the back of my head.

I didn’t know if I would go through with it but sometimes I surprise even myself.

This time they gave me a physical, it was supposed to happen last time but somehow it got over looked. I think most of the people that work there have been exposed to the ECT a little long. They are really nice though.

The PA who did my physical and I had a conversation about mania and people purposely cycling to become manic. Apparently this damages the brain though. I’ve only purposely cycled a couple times and honestly have forgotten how I did it.

If I am lucky I won’t have my extreme mania after these sessions. One again I am not 100% sure if I am going to go again. I jut haven’t made up mind. The fact that I am terrified of dying is really not helping though.

Make no promises, let no one down!

Forward Ho!

Today my head is clear and I am already been giving the normal life stresses that just happen. Hubby has to go into work tonight for several hours, while I won’t be alone this will be stressful as I am tying to mentally prepare for my ECT session tomorrow.

I’m not 100% sure that I am going but I haven’t ruled it out yet either. It will all depend on how well I sleep I suppose. My head is a little aches but not too bad. My chin hurts a little and my ankle is bruised. I can live with all these things.

If it works for my depression that would be nice. Yesterday I felt so off afterwards that it was really off putting. At first I thought I definitely would not return but I am hoping to have the courage to at least do this week and we how I am feeling.

I saw a lot of people there who looked really out of it before going in and that worries me too. I want to be self aware at all times. There is no point in getting better if I’m a bumbling idiot.

I suppose I am kind of arguing with myself but that’s what a blog is for right?

Pain and Depression

It took me years to realize that many of my physical ailments were cause from my mental state. I never connected the fact that I would often feel aches and pains while I was horribly depressed.

Few people actually realize that connection, seeking out medical attention which uses their money, time and patience to come to no conclusion. I read this really great article on it

It’s older but you can find a lot of material on it.

It’s really amazing just how crappy it can make you feel, it’s no wonder we don’t want to get out of bed and just sleep our days away. Who wants to be constantly sad and in pain? I know I don’t

Monday, Monday

Well hubby and I will be starting our little weekend vacation tomorrow. I am excited to spend some quality time with him. Though for some reason he hates the words quality time. We are leaving behind our electronics and just gonna hang. Sunday we finish another thing in the path to building out forever home. So it should be a good weekend.

Monday, I’m both excited and nervous about it. I have my ECT consult. Right after I made the appointment I had a major anxiety attack. Shouldn’t surprise me, it’s a good thing yet a big deal.

My depression is pretty strong right now but I am trying to fight it as best as I can. I think the hardest part is the way my body feels. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car and I have been hit by a car so I actually have the comparison. I could definitely live without this, it makes me want to curl up and sleep to avoid it that and the never ending gloom following me like a singular dark rain cloud above my head.

It will get better though. When you hit the bottom you can only go up or drown and I am not drowning!!