elusive

I love Halloween,it’s my favorite holiday. Everyone is starting to sell decorations and clothing related to it. I even purchased a beta fish Halloween tank that comes with a black light. I did not buy a fish because it would just be a pain to move the damn thing but I’m gonna super prepared for next year.

On a non Halloween note I bought these super cute hit pink sneakers. They are called air walks. I guess they were really popular in the 80s for me hot pink is popular any time. They also had Peter Pan get away boots which I had to get a pair of. The 80s was my favorite decade I don’t mind if it comes back around!

I’ve always been super girly and I dig the clothes that are super feminine. When I lose some more weight I am gonna get some cute heels!!!

I’ve had a lot of positivity today. I’m in a lot of pain because something is out in my upper back. I am seeing a chiropractor on Thursday. Hubby says it is pretty swollen so I hope that I can get it corrected. I’m telling ya, I’m tired of feeling like shit.

Last night I didn’t have any sleep paralysis but I definitely struggled with my sleep. I thought I will wait until that moment of feeling sleepy instead of letting it pass. I put on Frozen to listen to, this has sort of become a habit. Listening to Let it Go usually brings a certain calm to me and allows a release before sleeping now this may happen several times a night as I usually play the movie over and over dozing here and there.

Last night though it made me bawl. I was all snotty and watery and trying not to hiccup to hard as to wake hubby. This song that I had thought of completely differently made me think of it as a bipolar. Realizing that even though some people see my crazy I am not ready to let anything go. I’m trying but it sure isn’t easy. Oh yes, I was talking about sleep. After I shut the movie off I tried to sleep.

Anxiety attack. Doze, Anxiety attack. Doze. This went on for a few hours. I picked up my ipad and decided to read. I am absorbed in the book enough that I have forgotten my anxiety and get calm and sleepy. That really nice sleepy where you pull the comforters up around your shoulder and everything feels warm and comforting.

I shut off my Ipad and tried to crawl into the comfort dozing off bit by bit until you guessed it. Anxiety attack. These are happing during my REM, they are bringing me back out of my dreams to experience them. Nasty little buggers. Once I am awake that warmth and comfort is gone and it’s just a cold room where the dogs and my husband are on the other side of a king size bed that feels like miles and I’m achy and feel like shit. Eventually I got so tired I passed out with the help of some Benadryl. It’s 1 in the afternoon and I don’t feel rested at all.

I know part of it is the withdrawal. Right now my focus is so boxed in that I could be on a TV trying to look out at the real world. I feel unreal. I know it’s the depersonalization. I wish the doctors would be helpful with this. I hate it. I find it hard not to do stupid things just to prove I am here.