dark

Murder She Wrote

I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.

I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.

I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on. 

I feel worthless. I hate it 😦

Slip Sliding Away

My mood went from meh to downright deep depression. My daughter wished me Happy Mothers Day and I cried. Then I took my Lithium and went back to bed. My husband didn’t even notice I was gone.. Wonderful.

A few hours later I see him but it is because my mother is on the phone returning my call. I tried to sound upbeat while talking to her but honestly I just wanted to get off the phone and go back sleep.

I knew it was coming back but I was kind of hoping it would just be a lil bit, instead of full blown don’t even want to deal with life shit. Everything looks and feels hopeless.. I have to go out today and take pictures and I cant work the strength. I will do it, I wouldn’t let her down for any reason.

This makes me feel hateful, and tearful and angry and like I am at the bottom of a very deep well.  So dark like smokey ghosts surrounding me and cutting off my emotional attachments.. fuck.. I think I said that in my post earlier.. fuck.. normally it makes me feel better, right now.. it doesn’t. I need to go take those pictures maybe the sun will help..

I feel like I am going to throw up.. I just feel blech..