It’s almost 5am as I write this and I can’t sleep. My legs are driving me crazy which tends to happen when I spend to much time on them or the temperature is not the same as my body completely. I literally tore on of my favorite tanks trying to rip get it off because it kept getting underneath me. I finally just got out of bed.
I want to punch something hard. Something that would shatter and send shards all over the place. Piercing my skin so I can think about that instead of the fact that I can’t sleep and the anger is just building and building.
I know it’s the mania, I have to be so careful because of hubby and the dogs. I feel so damn hate-filled and destructive though. I’m trying to control my breathing so that I don’t hyperventilate and make things worse. It is so hard to control everything when I am so pissed off at everything.
I don’t even understand the point of it. My fucking broken brain, I just want to stab a knife in the side of my head and shut it the fuck up. JUST SHUT UP!! I hate you.
Must remain calm…
My husband says all my posts on my writing blog have been negative as of late. Maybe they seem negative but they are really just realistic. He is an optimist, one of the few things that annoys me. I am bipolar I see black and white, I don’t see grey. Things will either be good or bad not in between. The days I have to write meh, are annoying.
I’ve decided to put off the ECT until after the move. It was stressing me out and my husband has to go on a business trip which would be likely right in the middle of treatment. I don’t want to resent him. I most certainly would. I am going to have everything set up so I can get it done when I get home. It also gives me some time to do more research. I could talk to them about it but I like having a lot of questions.
I admit it is scary though, reading the side effects. I’m not worry about what they are doing, but I am scared of death. I know the stats are low, but I need to work past it. Am I using my husband as an excuse, I kind of wish I was but it honestly wouldn’t work. I’m frustrated as I wish they had of called a month before. It could have made all the difference in the world. Now I have to wait.
I am bitchy today, I haven’t been out of the house yet and I am extremely antsy. I have no place to go but I sure as fuck don’t want to be here. I don’t know how many times I have stated that I HATE this apartment.
Anyhow, until tomorrow or later or whatever..
And no not like Joey from Blossom Woe, the sad bitter want to stay in bed all day why the fuck did I wake up woes.
I feel like shit emotionally. I realized during a chat today that my supposed shrink never called me back when I called him to tell I was stopping the lithium. No leaving a message saying hey you should try something else, nothing. Why do I get so unlucky with shrinks? A fucking mood disorder clinic and I get the a resident who doesn’t give a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Why can’t I have more control over my depression. I can be logical with myself about it but I just feel hopeless regardless of the pep talk that I give myself. I wish that I enjoyed being drunk but I hate the way it feels and for once I don’t feel like eating. That’s something isn’t it? Too bad starving yourself is just as bad as force-feeding yourself.
I keep worrying about the Omaha thing not happening, because I don’t deserve to be happy and this is making the anxiety worse. I know it is unrealistic but it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s something I think about every day. No matter what my mood it pops it’s ugly head up constantly. The depression is making it much much worse, which I didn’t think was possible.
The depression is getting bad and I can tell because I am listening to happy and not even tapping a toe. This song could make a dead person dance.. fuck …
My mood went from meh to downright deep depression. My daughter wished me Happy Mothers Day and I cried. Then I took my Lithium and went back to bed. My husband didn’t even notice I was gone.. Wonderful.
A few hours later I see him but it is because my mother is on the phone returning my call. I tried to sound upbeat while talking to her but honestly I just wanted to get off the phone and go back sleep.
I knew it was coming back but I was kind of hoping it would just be a lil bit, instead of full blown don’t even want to deal with life shit. Everything looks and feels hopeless.. I have to go out today and take pictures and I cant work the strength. I will do it, I wouldn’t let her down for any reason.
This makes me feel hateful, and tearful and angry and like I am at the bottom of a very deep well. So dark like smokey ghosts surrounding me and cutting off my emotional attachments.. fuck.. I think I said that in my post earlier.. fuck.. normally it makes me feel better, right now.. it doesn’t. I need to go take those pictures maybe the sun will help..
I feel like I am going to throw up.. I just feel blech..