I’m Sad, Has the Woes

And no not like Joey from Blossom Woe, the sad bitter want to stay in bed all day why the fuck did I wake up woes.

I feel like shit emotionally. I realized during a chat today that my supposed shrink never called me back when I called him to tell I was stopping the lithium. No leaving a message saying hey you should try something else, nothing.  Why do I get so unlucky with shrinks? A fucking mood disorder clinic and I get the a resident who doesn’t give a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Why can’t I have more control over my depression. I can be logical with myself about it but I just feel hopeless regardless of the pep talk that I give myself.  I wish that I enjoyed being drunk but I hate the way it feels and for once I don’t feel like eating. That’s something isn’t it? Too bad starving yourself is just as bad as force-feeding yourself.

I keep worrying about the Omaha thing not happening, because I don’t deserve to be happy and this is making the anxiety worse. I know it is unrealistic but it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s something I think about every day.  No matter what my mood it pops it’s ugly head up constantly. The depression is making it much much worse, which I didn’t think was possible.

The depression is getting bad and I can tell because I am listening to happy and not even tapping a toe. This song could make a dead person dance.. fuck …



One comment

  1. Everyone deserves to be happy. But for those of us affected by mental illness, it’s a BIG challenge.
    Try not to blame yourself for things that have resulted from your illness. Keep them in the perspective and the constraints of the illness.
    With regard to the psych not getting back to you, try not to overthink it. You are one of many patients and you may be in their too “hard basket”.
    If you think you need another appoitnment to discuss other med choices then make an appoitnment.
    For me, being unmedicated or wrongly medicated led to bad choices and actions.
    For us, it’s not about simply choosing to be happy, it’s about medication changing out thinking to allow us to have those happy thoughts.
    Without the seroquel, I would revert back to being the self loathing mess that I was.And with that thought in mind I take my medication without hesitation or question.
    And that’s the benefit of the right medication, the one that actually works.

    Liked by 1 person

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