I Am A Coward

I sent myself into such a tithes with anxiety last night I ended up unable to sleep and throwing up. Around four am I cancelled my procedure and asked for a reschedule. I feel like am I a failure who let people down.

I’ve been backsliding the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been going out as much and my anxiety is back up. Like way back up. I know I need to do this for my own good. The depression will kill me.

I have no idea why I am so anxious. I do know I am filled with a lot of self hart red right now.

I’ve stopped going to my therapy sessions and now this. What am I going to do?


  1. It’s ok! I bailed on my first appointment too. I was hospitalized at the time in the psych ward and I had the worst panic attack, so I refused. But then decided that since I was there and had all the time off work etc I should give it a go. At least once.

    Ask them if you can have headphones with relaxing music while they get you ready. I always brought a book to read to distract myself. I also requested that I could lay in the bed while getting my IV so I was more relaxed.

    You can do it! And you are not a failure, it’s scary and brave of you to even want to try.


  2. Go back to therapy, if you can. You just got back from vacation. I find that major changes in my routine throw me off, perhaps in addition to understandable anxiety that is part of what is happening to you. You need to readjust to your routine. Take some deep breaths, anti-anxiety meds, supportive therapy, and then reschedule your procedure. Best of luck. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  3. You are getting lots of great advice from my dear friend Kitt and from My Beautiful Monster. My only thought is just do whatever you can to make it to your very first ECT session. I had my first ECT as an inpatient. After I had the procedure done, all my fellow patients on the ward couldn’t believe how much just one session helped me.

    I don’t mean to get your hopes up and be unrealistic, but I also believe that one session could be the true turning point for you. You know how huge a fan I am of your blog and of you, and I’m telling you this because I care about you.

    Give yourself this opportunity to feel better from the mofo depresson, and take whatever anti-anxiety meds you are allowed to take (I can’t remember if they let me take any when I did all the treatments; I do remember adjusting my lithium. They also gave me Zofran to offset nausea.) Anyway, check on that. Just one appointment. You can do it. Love you.


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