I feel like hell today. Actually physically I haven’t been feeling very good at all the last couple of weeks. Just general crap. Last night I managed to push through it and go out and by the end of the night I was feeling better. Well I felt like it at the time anyhow.
Today I feel horrible. Right back to the way it was and I find it very frustrating. I know once I lose weight I should start feeling better. Not just sitting on the couch every day will help. I’m kind of stuck in a rut. I feel like shit so I can’t do anything but if I don’t do anything I’ll feel like shit. Ugh.
I swear my blog is for whining. I’m annoyed with myself. I don’t even feel like going out and looking at the house, what’s up with that?
Maybe tomorrow will be better. maybe..
While last night seemed like a great idea. I’m lucky I didnt wake up with a hangover. I am still bitchy and touchy and all it did was grant me a small reprieve from the stresses of everyday life.
Having all the nephews and niece over reinforced the fact that I dont really dig kids and glad hubby and I stuck to dogs. The can be a pain but you can leave them on their own and they dont talk.
I know I am supposed to socialize more but I think it is going to be hard to find people who feel similar to me.
They still haven’t started the framing on the house and it is driving me bananas.
I’m just generally pissed and frustrated with everything.
My mood is so all over the place.
I was in a good mood today my animes arrived in the mail and I was so happy to start watching them. I cried when. The opening and closing credits for each episode. They were tears of happiness though.
Hubby came home, he was at the clinic and has bronchitis the poor man. Yet no one could make decisions about dinner and it sent me off on a tirade about picking out food. I was so pissed.
Admitted I had talked to my daughter for a few minutes. It was good but still seemed to connect to my getting my hackles rised.
Right now I would just like to take hubby to a hotel, snuggle in bed and watching some anime while he heals.
Yet the reality is I will be watching alone and he will be sick at work. Spreading his sickness amongst his co- workers as opposed to laying in bed where his ass should be.
Hopefully my cold continues to get better, I don’t want part of that crap.
I would like to just be happy. Also been raining all day and I haven’t been out of the house but for a minute. I need out of the prison once a day at least.
Need to buy a UV therapy light soon. Any suggestions??
Well imagine a hypo-manic person talking who isn’t you when you just have 3 long days of driving. Plus they aren’t really hypo-manic but just wont stop talking. Then you 10 pound yorkie attacks a fricken over weight border collie. Seriously off to a fun start.
Only 2 months 30+ days to go. I know I should be grateful that I am staying here at the mom-in-laws but it is already overwhelming and for some unknown reason she decided it would be a great week next week to have Jim’s aunt and husband, jims father and his sister with the four kids and ex hubby over. My god, I don’t think that is enough to drink in the world.
Going from being exposed to basically one person on a day to day basis to staying in a house with 4 other adults seems so scary. I don’t feel like I am going to have anywhere to hide.
Speaking of hiding my dear husband is doing a wonderful job of doing just that.
I feel like I have no where to turn and have to either stay in the bedroom with my husband or be polite because the man has no fricken manners. I am kind of pissed at him right now can you tell.
I’m just pissed in general I don’t know what to do with myself. I can just feel the anger building. I feel like the hulk. Colleen SMASH!
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
It’s almost 5am as I write this and I can’t sleep. My legs are driving me crazy which tends to happen when I spend to much time on them or the temperature is not the same as my body completely. I literally tore on of my favorite tanks trying to rip get it off because it kept getting underneath me. I finally just got out of bed.
I want to punch something hard. Something that would shatter and send shards all over the place. Piercing my skin so I can think about that instead of the fact that I can’t sleep and the anger is just building and building.
I know it’s the mania, I have to be so careful because of hubby and the dogs. I feel so damn hate-filled and destructive though. I’m trying to control my breathing so that I don’t hyperventilate and make things worse. It is so hard to control everything when I am so pissed off at everything.
I don’t even understand the point of it. My fucking broken brain, I just want to stab a knife in the side of my head and shut it the fuck up. JUST SHUT UP!! I hate you.
Must remain calm…
I am very happy that hubby is home. On his way back from the airport I asked if he would pick us up some donuts. I am giving up junk after we leave LA so I thought it would be a nice treat. He walks in the door with 4.5 dozen donuts. I mean holy shit. I don’t even know what to do with them.
I’m also pissed at him apparently. I don’t know why I figure that it is likely because he left for 3 days. I basically shut myself down about him for those days so it is showing it’s pretty little head. Seemed like a good plan at the time. I didn’t have too much anxiety unless he called me and was able to get through the time alright. Now I am questioning my entire life, which is me being dramatic, which means I am pissed at least on the inside.
I did not want to spend 3 days being stress about him not being here, about what he was doing or not doing was just easier.
To top it off there was a fricken 8 car accident out front of our building and it prevented my dinner from being delivered. I hope everyone is alright though. Stupid LA drivers though, seriously think of someone but yourself!! This is why I don’t drive. I need to though so I can have some independence..
Anyhow.. ya .. I have a good post for tomorrow but for now.. ya bitchy..
So despite all my fears about the way things would go, I ended up going to the new shrink.
Actually when I woke up this morning I had actually planned to not go. I was scared and I was tired and frankly I just didn’t want to deal with anything ya know?
Funnily enough though my best friend happened to be on AIM this morning and told me all these things I needed to get the courage to at least drive there. She is truly amazing. I wish we lived in the same state, I think we would be so good for one another. Unless she comes to Omaha I know that will never happen so I realize that I am fortunate to have had a friend who actually gives and shit and doesn’t let me pull any of the stuff I do on hubby to get out of doing what I don’t want to. She always thinks I am stronger than I am. She see’s me in a whole different light then most people and when she said I could do it this morning. Well I couldn’t let her be wrong could I?
I decided to do something I have avoided until now. Even when they brought it up I tried to argue the point but after hearing some things about it I am going to be trying Lithium. I know there are a lot of bad things people say and I also know there are a lot of good things. Apparently even though it is the oldest Bipolar Drug, it is still the most successful. On top of that I am going to be seeing an ECT doc and seeing how much they think it will help and hopefully in four weeks or so I’ll be going along that path.
It scares me but I have been saying no to this drug for years and I think it is time I finally gave it a shot. I think I might actually be pissed if the Lithium works cause that would mean I let one person’s reaction to it completely darken my opinion of it. I start tonight! I’ll be weaning myself off my Lamictal this week and staying on the Viibryd for now until the ETC guys and the lithium are in a place they are happy with. They want me to start seeing a therapist for my Borderline Personality Disorder. So I am glad that the doctors actually see what is there when I am not hiding behind a façade.
I’m proud of myself for a change.
*Now a quick rant which is not related to the above at all*
I always talk about how great my husband is. I tell this to well to everyone. He has problems just like everyone else. He’s a slob. He doesn’t like doing outdoorsy stuff. He can’t really fix things. He does stupid ass things that piss me off so much that I don’t even want to talk. Usually by pissed off I mean hurt. Today we got home from the doctors and I went to do something for a few minutes and I come back into the computer room and there’s this chick in a bikini on his screen. I am still not talking to him and it’s a couple hours later. He knows how shitty I feel about myself. We have rules in the house because of it. Like no porn (that one he brought on himself). No looking at naked and scantily clad females or men, I don’t look either.
The fact we are not having sex at the moment really doesn’t help, it just makes me feel like if he does a little slip, won’t it be a big slip next? I’m probably overreacting but I’ll decide that when I am done being hurt and decide to talk to him about it.