Ahead This Time

I actually thought about writing my blog without using the alarm! Hopefully this will become a good habit again.

How am I feeling today? I honestly don’t know. I am motivated enough to shower and wash the dog. (two for one deal) I was able to eat a little already which is good. Lately I have just such a hard time eating. I know it is all in my brain though. I just have to be tougher than it for a change. Eating when you don’t want to is just very difficult. I’m not exactly nauseated. It’s really hard to describe.

My mood is good. My anxiety is middle of the road. I try not to think about it too much. Thinking about my anxiety makes me more anxious. Stupid huh?

So far today has been kind to me with the hot flashes. I am hoping my body is getting used to the Latuda.

Still missing my weed though. I didn’t realize just how much it helped with things like anxiety and eating.  Tonight I should be able to get some more though.  I wish I lived in Colorado.

A Better Day

Today was a better day. Not because my depression improved but because I decided to listen to my BFF and try to make myself happy instead of waiting passively by for my pills and situation to fix anything. I love how she talks to me because she doesn’t hold her punches and as a fellow bipolar understand how things are. Not just anyone can do it but I appreciate that she does.

The minute I woke up I literally started mopping the floors, they are still covered with some dust from the build. They are finally starting to look like nice wood instead of some dusty old wood from a barn. It felt good to accomplish something. When hubby came home we walked around our block with the dogs since it was such a beautiful day. I think I am going to work on exercising every day it seems to pump me up some.

Tomorrow our fridge and washer and dryer get here so I can finally get all the laundry done from California. It’s been filling corners of the washroom and bedroom. There is a lot! It’s going to take me several days to get it all done but at least tomorrow I can finally start.

Tomorrow I also see my psychiatrist to get my pristiq increased. Should be an interesting day all in all.

I also finally get to shop for real food and cook a real meal if I so choose! Woot.

Woke Up Sad.

I hate depression. It makes my body ache, my heart ache and my brain ache. I have absolutely no motivation.

I want an ice cream sandwich and hubby said he would get me one after he made his lunch. He suggested that I get it myself as it might make me feel better about eating it. I just whined that I didn’t want to move like a fricken spoiled child. Yet that is the way I feel.

I don’t want to do anything. Not for myself or anyone else. I just want to sulk on the couch. I guess that is better than going back to bed though. I’ve been fighting that for a few hours as well.

We took our dogs out to the house so they could run around, I felt a little joy at their happiness of being able to run around but it didn’t hold on long enough.

i know I eat my emotions, that’s why I’m fat.. Ah screw it, I’m just gonna try and eat until I feel better. Is this an eating disorder? Over eating?

Depression Day Two

Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat.  I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.

I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.

I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.

I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed.  WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer?  I have no answers…

Date Day

Today I had a lovely day with my husband. The day started off with little excitement but the promise of a few short hours together. I was happy with it.

We had to go out and get wrapping paper for my SIL’s birthday tomorrow so we headed out into the sunshine and went to Target. After shopping at target we didn’t feel any urge to go home so we went to Nebraska Furniture Mart to dream about and price the furniture we want and need for our new home. Even though we can’t buy anything now it is fun to go out and enjoy looking at this and that.

After that we went out to lunch, the normal Italian place we went to was closed down for a while so we ended going to Olive Garden which we haven’t  been to in years. It was nice to finally eat a salad. Not something we normally  do but it was delicious and fun and my anxiety was actually minimum.

We got home a little over 4:00 and got to finally have some close intimate time. Shortly there after I feel into a deep sleep which was supposed to just be a doze but hubby let me sleep way to long and when i woke up weren’t alone anymore. Makes me a little sad.

Yet we had a good day filled with holding hands and laughter. 😀

Merry Xmas

Surprisingly Today has been wonderful. We woke up and had bacon and eggs for breakfast made by MIL and then we relaxed. Hubby and I walked through Schram Park and I took some pictures with my new camera. Did I mention I got a new camera? lol

Dinner was lovely a prime rib and baked potatoes which was absolutely delicious and we played some games. I had a couple glasses of wine but not enough to get drunk. Just enough to be calm.

Today the sun was up and the temperature was 50 degrees. I got some gorgeous sunset pictures, but I’ll post pictures tomorrow when I have some time. Tonight I’m just gonna chill.

So Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope you are celebrating your holidays in the best mood possibly.

I’m Fucking Miserable

Yesterday was filled with flowers and gum drops and everything nice. I thought it would feel that high for at least few more days. Nope!

I woke up sad and grumpy and I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. So I slept a good deal of my day away. My husband was home, I could hung with his sick ass, but no I wanted to sleep.

We went out to the lot and even that couldn’t break my funk. I jut want to sob and eat and eat some more.

I talked Tom hubby about me working at phone sex again so tht I could at least make some money but he is concerned that I would have a sex drive. Currently I rally don’t have all tht much of one. I can see his concern and I also can not promise that it wouldn’t pick up. Being a domina can be very empowering.

Needless to say I need a way to make money and it’s the one thing that I feel tht I am good at. I could work 30 mins a week, making two hundred a month. I hope he’ll rally consider it. I want to be able to help gt us some stuff for the house.

I suppose he will let me know soon enough… Life is hard.

Friendly Fire

I am very happy that hubby is home. On his way back from the airport I asked if he would pick us up some donuts. I am giving up junk after we leave LA so I thought it would be a nice treat. He walks in the door with 4.5 dozen donuts. I mean holy shit. I don’t even know what to do with them.

I’m also pissed at him apparently. I don’t know why I figure that it is likely because he left for 3 days. I basically shut myself down about him for those days so it is showing it’s pretty little head. Seemed like a good plan at the time. I didn’t have too much anxiety unless he called me and was able to get through the time alright. Now I am questioning my entire life, which is me being dramatic, which means I am pissed at least on the inside.

I did not want to spend 3 days being stress about him not being here, about what he was doing or not doing was just easier.

To top it off there was a fricken 8 car accident out front of our building and it prevented my dinner from being delivered. I hope everyone is alright though. Stupid LA drivers though, seriously think of someone but yourself!! This is why I don’t drive. I need to though so I can have some independence..


Anyhow.. ya .. I have a good post for tomorrow but for now.. ya bitchy..

The Depression Is Back And It’s Pissed

I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.

I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt.  I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.

Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..