I always believed that when I was all grown up I would never want for anything. I could eat anything that I wanted. I could go into the stores and request any item of any price and it would be mine.
Little did I know that there would be days where I was hungry. Times when all I could do of was dream of having the simplistic comforts.
At this point in my life, things are better and I have what a lot of people call first world problems. Took me a long time to reach this point but honestly I think life is better than I could have ever imagined. Even on days like today where I am feeling like shit I know that I want for nothing but maybe a little peace of mind.
It’s the end of the week and I’ve got hubby until Monday morning. That makes me happy. I love being around him even if we are doing different activities.
Today has been a mellow day but I’m happy (looks over her shoulder). Saying it out loud is a little scary it’s like inviting trouble but people need to know that it’s not always down with this thing.
Happiness does happen from time to time.
I am wondering if my medications need to be adjusted down. I can’t seem to feel things as fully as I should.
I have lost my creativity. I have lost my emotions. I don’t like how this feels.
I am unable to grieve. I can’t cry. I got teary eyed the first few days but I haven’t actually been able to let go and just sob. I really need to. I can feel that at least.
I want to feel an interest in something. I want to feel joy at something. I want to feel grief. I want to feel.
I now understand why so many bipolars go off their meds. Lucky(?) for me the past depression has etched a scar that keeps me from doing that.
I wish Dani was here to talk to.
My internet was down yesterday but the days I missed before that are all on me. I thought that once I got my computer back it would be even easier to remember to write everyday but I am trying to live life and I got busy actually having fun.
I was playing outside with my dogs, walking and playing on the computer with hubby until the wee hours of the night. I’d like to say I am going to be writing every day going forward but it’s not a promise I can keep. I am going to be writing at least a couple times a week, maybe more.
My mood has been pretty good for the last few days. Normally it is depression that makes me forget things but happiness did it this time so I really just can’t complain.
I go back to my therapists tomorrow then see my shrink 2 days later. I wonder if she heard about my saliva test. I guess I’ll see.
Today was a better day. Not because my depression improved but because I decided to listen to my BFF and try to make myself happy instead of waiting passively by for my pills and situation to fix anything. I love how she talks to me because she doesn’t hold her punches and as a fellow bipolar understand how things are. Not just anyone can do it but I appreciate that she does.
The minute I woke up I literally started mopping the floors, they are still covered with some dust from the build. They are finally starting to look like nice wood instead of some dusty old wood from a barn. It felt good to accomplish something. When hubby came home we walked around our block with the dogs since it was such a beautiful day. I think I am going to work on exercising every day it seems to pump me up some.
Tomorrow our fridge and washer and dryer get here so I can finally get all the laundry done from California. It’s been filling corners of the washroom and bedroom. There is a lot! It’s going to take me several days to get it all done but at least tomorrow I can finally start.
Tomorrow I also see my psychiatrist to get my pristiq increased. Should be an interesting day all in all.
I also finally get to shop for real food and cook a real meal if I so choose! Woot.
Today we got some new that can be taken either good or bad. My mother in law has decided not to purchase the house. I’m sad that she won’t be living next door but I am slightly relieved because I am not going to be stressing out over whether or not the dominoes will land perfectly for her to get the house and not lose the money she would put down at her contract signing.
I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about it and she said not to worry as it was not my fault if things didn’t work out. Yet it has been worrying at my brain since she started the whole she-bang. Needless to say I feel like an anvil has been lifted from my shoulders.
I feel bad that I feel relieved but honestly at some point I need to stop worrying and stop feeling bad and just be damned happy. I deserve to be happy.
This will make enjoying this celebratory weekend all that much better. Woot!
Michaels is having a sale on canvases so I bought a ton of new ones to paint on. Currently I have the black done on a large pain tingling I am working on. I aml hoping to do a creepy halloweenie like painting.
I also went and saw my shrink and therapist today and all Both spots went well. My therapist is helping me trying to figure out how not to be afraid of being mortal and my psychiatrist suggested I try Xanax xr twice a day to help with the anxiety since the clonezapam doesn’t seem to do anything. I am also going to be starting to take Latuda which is a medication made specifically for bipolar depression. It can have some shitty side effects but it can work pretty damn well so I am going to try it and see what happens.
Anyone tried it? Would love to here how it works for you?
My therapy session was rally great. Honewtly I am so thrilled that my BFF found her for me. Plus the shrink in the office says it won’t be long before I will be able to start my ECT.
When I found that bit of news out I was more excited about it then th fact we are signing the contract for our house this weekend.
I also got some not so great news about someone I care for dearly. It’s really been an emotionally tumultuous day.
Currently I have no idea what I am feeling except itchy, fucking mosquitoes!