We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman. I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.
On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel. I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed. I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.
My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.
I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..
As you may know my best friend died not too very long ago. Yet in the past two weeks I have also lost my 4 year old yorkie Ren and my Grandmother.
Ren was my baby. It was a tumor that came on suddenly and there was nothing anyone could do as it was interwoven with all her organs. I loved that little girl so much. People who consider their animals their children can empathize with this I’m sure. It’s left a painful hole in my heart.
My Grandmother’s passing was not as much of a shock but it made me realize that if I don’t make some changes in my life I am going to have a lot of regrets. I haven’t seen a lot of my family in over 14 years, her included. All because I was too afraid to go through the steps that allowed me to enter Canada.
I have to renew my green card and when I do I am also going to make sure as hell that I can go over the border to see my family asap.
I have always been superstitious about the power of three. This has only made it stronger. 3 females in my life dying from cancer within months and days of each other how can I not?
When the grieving stops, the healing and changes will begin.. wait and see.
I am wondering if my medications need to be adjusted down. I can’t seem to feel things as fully as I should.
I have lost my creativity. I have lost my emotions. I don’t like how this feels.
I am unable to grieve. I can’t cry. I got teary eyed the first few days but I haven’t actually been able to let go and just sob. I really need to. I can feel that at least.
I want to feel an interest in something. I want to feel joy at something. I want to feel grief. I want to feel.
I now understand why so many bipolars go off their meds. Lucky(?) for me the past depression has etched a scar that keeps me from doing that.
I wish Dani was here to talk to.
I am so sad all the time. Even when I am stoned I still get flits of grief that make themselves through. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. The person I would normally talk to is the one dying.
I’ve worked on her painting, I’ve written her a hand written letter. I’ve cried numerous tears. It hurts so much. What do you do when you are losing the second closest person in your life.
Every time my phone rings I’m terrified that her husband is calling to tell me she has passed. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels or even how my BFF feels if she is even aware of what is going on. I kind of hope she doesn’t. The dementia may be a bit of a blessing in this case. I don’t know if that is though.
This is going to hurt for a long time.
AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.
I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.
I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.
Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.
I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.
I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.
She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.
I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.
Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.