Not sure where it comes from but it is certainly here. I guess I’m only allowed an OK day once in a while. Today I’ve cried over the world, the loss of my dog Ren and a few music videos that show what a sad state the world is in. I’m so sad about everything.
I suppose I should be glad that I just am feeling.
I gotta admit though I am looking forward to getting my weed back. I believe it’s been over a month or close to a month now. I’m going to be very high the day I get my weed. Very high.
I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.
There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.
Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.
I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.
Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat. I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.
I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.
I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.
I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed. WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer? I have no answers…
I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.
I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.
Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.
I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.
In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.
I’m writing this while I sit at my UV lamp hoping to get some relief from this damn depression. This morning I thought about suicide, ways to get the relief I needed but then I remembered Jim and that I need to keep going for him.,
My mother in law has been grabbing all my stuff from around the house and bagging it up. My room is like a ittle prison. Filled with more and more stuff and less stuff allowed out around the house. This house is gigantic and she is a seriously messy person so having a few of my things sitting around weren’t hurting her at all. Yet she is territorial. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here. If not I’m afraid our relationship will fail. I don’t have a lot of strength right now.
We won’t know anything until January about when we can move into the house. It feels so far away and everything is so painful and sad.
I am so incredibly lonely. I sit here day in and day out waiting for my husband to come home. I suppose I could clean for the mother in law, but honestly it is disgusting and I don’t want to touch most of it.
She’s almost a hoarder, not quite but close.
I’m not much of a house cleaner myself but I will hire someone to clean for me so my home never gets like this. Plus I think that living here has given me a newfound respect for cleanliness. It is almosts making me a germaphobe. My hands are dried out from cleaning them constantly. Yet I only can manage to pull myself into the shower once a week. I’m a hypocrite,. Yet it’s my own dirt.
I am hoping that the house is done sooner rather than later, but that is still in the early weeks of February. I hope I can keep from going insane or saying something I regret over the next few months. Sometimes a hospital stay seems like it would be a nice break and that’s downright sad.
My therapy session was rally great. Honewtly I am so thrilled that my BFF found her for me. Plus the shrink in the office says it won’t be long before I will be able to start my ECT.
When I found that bit of news out I was more excited about it then th fact we are signing the contract for our house this weekend.
I also got some not so great news about someone I care for dearly. It’s really been an emotionally tumultuous day.
Currently I have no idea what I am feeling except itchy, fucking mosquitoes!