Learning to Not Hate

I feel hatred towards other people. My FIL for treating my MIL the way he did this past week. My MIL husband for doing stupid ass shit without thinking about how it affects. I’ve become quite protective of her.

Hate is a strong word and it is a stronger feeling and it fills my body with poison. This is more of this black and white thinking. Hate is too powerful of an emotion to waste on stupid ass shit like that. I should save it for the people who truly deserve it. Then I should get past that too.

Having moms husband here this weekend just fills me with such anger, it almost makes me hands ache from being flexed in fists ast my side. Maybe I should explain.

Mom drives a 12-year-old minivan, it works but has seen better days and she decided not to get a new vehicle because the new house was more important. She would have bought it herself without her husband money. They are buying the house together and they made the decision to buy the house. A week later he goes out and gets a brand new fucking SUV for himself. Both risking the home loan and I don’t know if he did it consciously but saying fuck you to mom, I can have what you can’t.

It makes me angry. She doesn’t want to say anything because she wants to be able to get the house. He’s making that hard too. Taking forever to get the papers she needs, someone has already bought one of the lots beside us. I hope he doesn’t fuck her out of the other one.

So I am venting as opposed to holding on to this anger. It’s not worth it and it honestly gives me a reason to go out all weekend and not be home. Thanks for giving me reasons to shop cold weather!

I Hate EVERYTHING today..

Talking about rapid mood cycling…

Seriously I keep going downhill then uphill than downhill, you get the picture. Today I have wanted to say a very vulgar word to people more than 30 times. I don’t use the C-word. If you don’t know what it is I’m not typing it either.

I am not finding joy in anything. I did laugh once but it was because of a hilarious shirt. Mostly I just want to punch people in the neck.

I only got four hours of sleep. I tried everything but I could not sleep and I don’t want to do anything so I just basically lay there fuming for hours.

I don’t know how to deal with the depression. I have no help. The shrink I saw hasn’t called me in over a week and I know if I call him and ask about something for the depression I am not going to get any assistance. I know I made the right choice going off the lithium because I feel 100% better physically and emotionally no different, well except the depression which is not related anyhow.

Why did he have to be a big fat lying sack of shit? Why can’t doctors want what is best for you? Why do I even give a shit about it? I don’t but I am pissed and need to focus.

Depression and Anger what a fine combination for doing stupid things. I have to be careful and watch myself and hope that this passes faster than it has in the past. If I am still feeling like this when hubby goes on his trip I have no idea what I will do.. God I don’t even want to think about it.

Gotta focus on the prize.. Leaving in 24 days, I can do it right? I can handle this I think, I think. Ugh I dunno.. fuck.

Also I did get one piece of good news yesterday which may be related to the grouchiness. I am going to have my ECT meeting this week. I want to do it but I am nervous.. that tends to make me super bitchy. Why is it that positive change always brings me down. I’m my own worse enemy.

Movement Impossible

Again I spent the night fighting with my own body as it slipped into sleep paralysis again and again. I didn’t feel exhausted which is usually the precursor. Though honestly I think I may just be exhausted all the time so I never notice anymore. I had my husband hold my hand, not because it helps physically but emotionally I feel tethered.

It scares me though that my husband sleep so deep and can’t tell when someone is going on with me. I think I lost some of the security that he usually gives. So for hours and hours I would slip down into sleep paralysis sometimes making it to REM but I had so much anxiety I would kick myself out of it. It has been going on all night until noon today.

I don’t feel very good, my sinus’s are grody, my chest feels full and I know I have to go to the doctors tonight to make sure I don’t have pneumonia. Sleeping is just not going to happen.

I’m afraid! My stomach always feels full even when it is not so I imagine I will also get yet another endoscopy. I don’t mind that really. I’ve had 3 already. My great grandmother died from stomach cancer at around my age.. I’m so afraid of death. I mean most people are. Yet they live, they go on and do things with their lives. I am currently writing and feeling guilty.. death and guilt.. why couldn’t it be cake or death? I would most assuredly would take the cake or the chicken.. (Eddie Izzard)

I have made my husband an unhealthy weight with my insecurities. When he wanted to go to the gym or eat healthy I made him feel bad for doing so by accusing him for wanting to be with someone else.  Now I have no choice but to let him do those things because he needs to be healthy. He must outlive me. I couldn’t bear my life without him.

Fuck life would just be easier for everyone without me I swear.


Here Piggy Piggy

My husband being the sweet man that he is gave me a cake for Mother’s Day. I took a picture of it because I was going to show how pretty it was.. Little did I know that I would actually be showing off what a fucking pig I am. I ate all that in a few hours. Then promptly threw it up. Things are getting worse. I am actually almost crying while I am posting this. I am so frustrated. I am out of my Viibryd and the shrink still hasn’t gotten back to me with refills. I want to go off it true, but not cold turkey. I hate how horrible you feel when that happens. I’ve had it done on a few things. Even going slowly off a med doesn’t feel good.

I said to my husband what if I tried to kill myself with something I know wouldn’t kill me so they take me seriously?. He was a little upset to say the least. I’m tired of being depressed.  Sometimes I do want to die to make it stop. I wish I didn’t love my husband so much it would be easier to just let go. As long as he is here and loves me though I gotta keep fighting.

The Depression Is Back And It’s Pissed

I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.

I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt.  I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.

Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..


It’s The Heart

My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…

It’s The Heart

It’s the heart that makes us blunder,

It’s the heart that makes us wonder.

It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,

It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.

It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,

It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.

The heart is in everything we do,

How does your heart control you?


Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh