I Hate EVERYTHING today..

Talking about rapid mood cycling…

Seriously I keep going downhill then uphill than downhill, you get the picture. Today I have wanted to say a very vulgar word to people more than 30 times. I don’t use the C-word. If you don’t know what it is I’m not typing it either.

I am not finding joy in anything. I did laugh once but it was because of a hilarious shirt. Mostly I just want to punch people in the neck.

I only got four hours of sleep. I tried everything but I could not sleep and I don’t want to do anything so I just basically lay there fuming for hours.

I don’t know how to deal with the depression. I have no help. The shrink I saw hasn’t called me in over a week and I know if I call him and ask about something for the depression I am not going to get any assistance. I know I made the right choice going off the lithium because I feel 100% better physically and emotionally no different, well except the depression which is not related anyhow.

Why did he have to be a big fat lying sack of shit? Why can’t doctors want what is best for you? Why do I even give a shit about it? I don’t but I am pissed and need to focus.

Depression and Anger what a fine combination for doing stupid things. I have to be careful and watch myself and hope that this passes faster than it has in the past. If I am still feeling like this when hubby goes on his trip I have no idea what I will do.. God I don’t even want to think about it.

Gotta focus on the prize.. Leaving in 24 days, I can do it right? I can handle this I think, I think. Ugh I dunno.. fuck.

Also I did get one piece of good news yesterday which may be related to the grouchiness. I am going to have my ECT meeting this week. I want to do it but I am nervous.. that tends to make me super bitchy. Why is it that positive change always brings me down. I’m my own worse enemy.

5 comments

      1. Well you need to know how many treatments they recommend. A lot of places like to start you with three per week. During this time you’re not allowed to drive. Also, do they recommend bilateral of unilateral placement of the electrodes? It makes a big difference as far as side effects.

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  1. So it sounds like Lithium was not the med to help you. What about trying something else that your GP, normal doctor, can prescribe?
    Anxiety about the unknown is normal, but remember that you made the choice to get it and you have good reasons for doing it.
    I am not sure that the psychs are lying shits. I think they truly believe they are treating you correctly but they have got it wrong and they seem unable to acknowledge that simple fact.
    Are there any free psych services you can access?
    I hope the ECT gives you some relief.
    Good luck with it all.

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    1. It must be in the air. My husband is being an insufferable ass! He’s a quick cycler too. I wish you well with the ECT and hope that you can get into to talk to your doc.

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