Today has been better mood wise. The anxiety was also a little lower.
I’d like to thank sudafed for making my cold more managable.
I spent all day watching survivor from the beginning, up to episode 8. Not a great way to spend the day but at least I wasn’t moping, right?
I am doing well losing weight and have lost 17 pounds so far. It feels a little weird and I’m afraid to eat now. Yet I am craving junk food really badly. I am wonderfuil at self sabatoge. I know this yet I feel like this is a losing battle with christmas and all the sweets and carbs that come with it.
There I said some positive stuff today.. nuff said.
I am starting to pack things, we may be leaving a week earlier than we planned and one thing I totally hate it leaving things until the last moment. Plus honestly if I could just leave now I would. I hate this place as you well know. 🙂
I called some guys too haul our old furniture away we aren’t taking but I didn’t really didn’t think it through. I know it is good to put myself through stressful things, but I need to leave my apartment and go downstairs and let them in then ride back up in the elevator with them. Ugh.. I don’t like the elevator on the best of days and I am so anxious interacting with strangers. I know it needs to be done so I’ll suck it up.
Talking about it seems to be making the anxiety back off a little though. I must remember I am strong, I am a wonderful kind person, I can handle anything. (I’m trying something new, saying nice things about myself)
I’m not as depressed today. Me and my BFF talked a long time on Aim yesterday and made each other laugh and of course we challenged each other. We are going to be posting a picture a day as we walk. It’s going to be good to be pushed outside when I am not having a comfortable day and it will keep me exercising. The lithium is making me gain weight. I never thought I would break the point I am at.
Also since writing it makes it more likely to happen I am going to be doing aerobics and weight training every day. One or the other, not mixing. I want to be healthier. Even if I don’t lose weight before the surgery I will have gained muscle toned which should hopefully help me bounce back quicker.
If you are interested in my pictures you can check them out here as we start tonight. I will hopefully have a link to her pictures when she has posted.
Again last night I spent hours upon hours, watching TV and eating a whole fucking box of creamsicles. I need to not buy this shit and have it in the house. I am feeling some horrible self hatred right now.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. It’s not like I am even enjoying the damn things I just seem to need to punish myself for some reason. I wish my husband would tell me no when I ask for junk. I wish he didn’t always want me to be happy. I wish he was more of a hard ass.. But honestly it is all on me.
I am planning on getting LAPBAND surgery when we get back to Omaha, it was something I was going to do here but chickened out on. It’s something I need to do. I think with it and therapy I will get a handle on things.. I think I think.. I wish I knew..
I am so depressed I just want to sleep and I can’t which makes it so much worse. At least when I sleep I dream and I have control.. the one place I have any control and I can’t get to it. ARGHHHHH!
Luckily I am afraid of death or I would be drunk right now and just staying that way until this passes.. I need to let the medication work though.. WORK DAMMIT I have no patience.. breathe…
I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.
I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.
I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt. I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.
Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..
My husband spoils me. Honestly sometimes I act like a petulant child if I don’t get what I want. So he rarely if ever says no to me. It’s a flaw in us both. He wants me to be happy and I want to be happy. Seems like a nice enough arrangement. I’m treated like a princess
There is a problem with someone who never says no to you especially when you can’t say no to yourself. I want to lose weight and I’ll tell my husband not to buy me anymore sweets or salties. That lasts for a day or two when I really feel I almost need these things. My body is aching with craving, it makes my entire body thrum until I finally start the talk with hubby about getting me just these one or twos things. He always gives in. It’s frustrating.
I want to lose weightI know I am unhealthy and when you Doctor says to you even before you physical that you qualify for some kind of stomach surgery you know it’s bad. I can’t stop eating crap though. It’s not that I am lazy I walk almost daily and plan to move back into more when this flu is completely gone. I even mostly like healthy foods, specially raw fruits and veggies. I hate the fact that I just want to each tons of chocolate and cookies and chips and crackers. I feel so guilty afterwards, if I didn’t hate the feeling of being nauseated I swear I would become bulimic. I likely will end up getting the lap-band once we got back to Omaha, I hope hubby learns to say no..
I want I want.. I want a better life, I want to be healthy, I want to feel beautiful.. I can say all this now until the next time I crave.. Ugh I don’t know what to do. It’s probably killing me..