bad food

I Want I Want

My husband spoils me. Honestly sometimes I act like a petulant child if I don’t get what I want. So he rarely if ever says no to me. It’s a flaw in us both. He wants me to be happy and I want to be happy. Seems like a nice enough arrangement. I’m treated like a princess

There is a problem with someone who never says no to you especially when you can’t say no to yourself. I want to lose weight and I’ll tell my husband not to buy me anymore sweets or salties. That lasts for a day or two when I really feel I almost need these things. My body is aching with craving, it makes my entire body thrum until I finally start the talk with hubby about getting me just these one or twos things. He always gives in. It’s frustrating.

I want to lose weight I know I am unhealthy and when you Doctor says to you even before you physical that you qualify for some kind of stomach surgery you know it’s bad. I can’t stop eating crap though. It’s not that I am lazy I walk almost daily and plan to move back into more when this flu is completely gone. I even mostly like healthy foods, specially raw fruits and veggies. I hate the fact that I just want to each tons of chocolate and cookies and chips and crackers. I feel so guilty afterwards, if I didn’t hate the feeling of being nauseated I swear I would become bulimic.  I likely will end up getting the lap-band once we got back to Omaha, I hope hubby learns to say no..

I want I want.. I want a better life, I want to be healthy, I want to feel beautiful.. I can say all this now until the next time I crave.. Ugh I don’t know what to do. It’s probably killing me..

So Glad to Be Home!!

We went and picked our dogs up they had been groomed and our little Charlie didn’t even look like himself. So skinny without all his fluffy puffy fur.. Ren looks adorable as usual like a little ewok!

I was so relaxed the second we walked in the door and I got sleep and well went to sleep.. Sleep so wonderful!!!! How I have missed thee.

I spilt Dr. Pepper all over my keyboard and now am having to use an ergonomic(sp?) keyboard which I frankly detest it makes my hands ache..

I start taking two 300mg tomorrow, I am really nervous. So far it has made everything taste like hell.. Seriously gross, I may just end up losing weight which I can definitely afford to do..

Gonna keep this short tonight, still pretty tired and I just want to chill.. Thanks for the support during my Vegas Vacation, it really means a lot.

Weird Things About Me

As I have said lately I haven’t been sleeping well. When I do it’s REM and it’s short, like repeating the same dreams over and over all night hoping to come to a conclusion of sorts.

My dreams have always been very vibrant and very real.  Last night as I was dozing off reality started becoming the dream. The walls changed, the things and people around me changed until I was in the dream. The colors got more vibrant, I could smell and hear everything very clearly.. then it shifted back to a dark bedroom with a snoring husband and two cuddled up dogs.

It was literally happening for moments at a time. Swapping back and forth. The dream of course moved forward bit by bit but this continued for many hours. I am so damned tired. I can not even drift off without me being aware that things are about to change yet again. It feels like a hellacious acid trip. I know from experience, not proud of it but I know exactly how acid made me feel. This is just exactly the same, except of course there is nothing funny about this at all.

Some people love the lucid dream. I usually love the fact that I have so much control while I am asleep, the fact that sleep and unsleep are crossing is what I have an issue with.

I don’t want to eat.. The thought of it makes me feel so sick. Everything tastes like shit.  I have to do it so I do, then it sets off a torturous few hours of tummy troubles. My body is so pissed at me. I should probably go to the doctor, but right now I am considering cancelling my appointment for the new shrink.

My nerves are on edge. I feel shivery and terrified.. My stomach hurts. I’m afraid.

I told my husband I couldn’t promise I would go. I can’t. I don’t know that I just won’t call and cancel. I am so afraid of dying and so afraid of seeing doctors when I feel bad. I don’t know what to do.. I feel like I am going to break, snap, invert, disappear..

I feel so alone right now.

Maybe I’ll bake some cookies.. that fixes everything right? HA

I have a feeling I am going to ruin Vegas… fuck.