Weird Things About Me

As I have said lately I haven’t been sleeping well. When I do it’s REM and it’s short, like repeating the same dreams over and over all night hoping to come to a conclusion of sorts.

My dreams have always been very vibrant and very real.  Last night as I was dozing off reality started becoming the dream. The walls changed, the things and people around me changed until I was in the dream. The colors got more vibrant, I could smell and hear everything very clearly.. then it shifted back to a dark bedroom with a snoring husband and two cuddled up dogs.

It was literally happening for moments at a time. Swapping back and forth. The dream of course moved forward bit by bit but this continued for many hours. I am so damned tired. I can not even drift off without me being aware that things are about to change yet again. It feels like a hellacious acid trip. I know from experience, not proud of it but I know exactly how acid made me feel. This is just exactly the same, except of course there is nothing funny about this at all.

Some people love the lucid dream. I usually love the fact that I have so much control while I am asleep, the fact that sleep and unsleep are crossing is what I have an issue with.

I don’t want to eat.. The thought of it makes me feel so sick. Everything tastes like shit.  I have to do it so I do, then it sets off a torturous few hours of tummy troubles. My body is so pissed at me. I should probably go to the doctor, but right now I am considering cancelling my appointment for the new shrink.

My nerves are on edge. I feel shivery and terrified.. My stomach hurts. I’m afraid.

I told my husband I couldn’t promise I would go. I can’t. I don’t know that I just won’t call and cancel. I am so afraid of dying and so afraid of seeing doctors when I feel bad. I don’t know what to do.. I feel like I am going to break, snap, invert, disappear..

I feel so alone right now.

Maybe I’ll bake some cookies.. that fixes everything right? HA

I have a feeling I am going to ruin Vegas… fuck.

3 comments

  1. Bless you. Such an awful place to be. I don’t like giving advice but in this instance I would really try to keep the appointment. What is the worst that can happen by going? I was tempted not to go to my therapy session today. I knew it was going to be a tough one, and it was things I didn’t want to go near. Now, I can’t confess to feeling better now, but I’m glad I went with it in terms of moving better in the long term. I hope this doesn’t sound patronising.
    On a brighter note, I am also experiencing very strange dreams…once I eventually get to sleep. They feel so real to the extent that I congratulated a colleague on her pregnancy the other day. So embarrassing and I seem now to have started a rumour!! I was convinced that an e-mail had been sent round at work congratulating her but it was all my dream.

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    1. I am going to go 🙂 I will just take an extra clonazepam I think. I hate it when things like that happen. I’ll have times where I swore I had asked a question or had a conversation, then get blank stares if I bring up something pertaining to it. I’ve gotten into the habit of saying, did I say this to you.

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