Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

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