I’ve been trying to better myself.  I usually just shut myself off and have nothing to do with anyone but my husband or people in games. I’d rarely opened up to anyone and lied to my shrinks about how I felt because I didn’t want to admit to any weaknesses to anyone. My answer was always I’m ok.  Regardless of how bad I was feeling I would never tell anyone.

It got to be too much, I was constantly living in fear of death. Either just by some outside source or by myself.  I was tired.  I decided that I would start writing a blog on Jan 29th  and at the time it was just to keep track of my moods and maybe vent a little. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing everyday but slowly I did. I am actually proud of myself for keeping at it. Besides my marriage I have never stuck to anything that long.  I never thought I had the ability to do anything for more than a few days to a couple of weeks.

Yet at this time I am at 145 posts on this blog.  I decided that I would write another blog just for creative writing and I need more challenges and am at 38 posts, some days have more than one but it’s another thing I have managed to do for at least 30 days. I took pictures every day for 30 days as a challenge to my BFF, today will be the last day of that. 30 days of going out every single day regardless of how I feel. I find it amazing honestly.

I’m proud of myself. I’m forcing myself to be more conscious of my thoughts and actions just by setting goals for myself.  When my depression is at it’s worse instead of sitting and wallowing in bed, I get up, I write and I go out. It’s by no means easy. Some days, like today for example I find it very hard to even sit in front of the computer and try to put thought to paper, so to speak. Yet here I am posting.

Last night I was sitting in bed, so sad and afraid of my husband going on his trip. Filling my head with whatif’s. I am afraid I’ll feel suicidal and he won’t be here to save me. However I can’t give in to those fears. I went to a site on suicidal ideation to read up on it. Afterwards they had a little link to some jokes. I decided to follow it and laughed and cried my ass off for the better part of an hour. I really don’t know that they were that funny but it was cathartic  I needed that laughter and those tears. I think my husband might have thought I was crazy. But he loves crazy so he’ll deal 😀

I’m taking a few days off from going out while my husband is gone. I need to work on the packing as we leave in 16 days and I don’t want to slide backward by making my anxiety attacks more frequent. I am very stressed with the move and everything else going on. I fully admit I am afraid to go out while no one in here at home and that is something I will cover in the future, one step at a time.

So what can I do to improve myself while he is gone? I will wake up and brush my teeth. I’ll eat breakfast and I will not sleep in all day regardless of just how easy it is to make time pass that way. It doesn’t seem like much but for me they are all a challenge.  I’ll continue to write both blogs and do my lumosity as well.  A little at a time right?

To my friends in Denmark who emailed me recently, thank you for worrying about me. I love you.