More Whatifs

I’m seriously getting tired of my mood being all over the place. I’m not ready to give up on the Latuda yet but I’m not feeling hopeful. I am questioning everything.

My husbands and my engagement was unromantic and I basically feel like he was pushed into asking me to marry him. Why do I feel that way? Basically I said you ask me to marry you or I’m asking you. He chose to ask me. We were butt ass naked in bed and well I was probably manic and it’s the only thing I regret about our marriage.

I asked him today if he thought he would still have asked me at some point if I hadn’t of brought it up. He said he would have but I honestly think he might have gotten the fuck out after a couple of years of my crazy. I guess I’ll never really know.

I’m forever grateful for him though and I’m so glad that we are so happily married. Now I wish that he didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. I wish I didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. Life with would be just fucking grand without it.

I just found out my cousin killed himself. My whole family is a mess…. Sigh


  1. Wow, I’m sorry about your cousin and the Latuda. I don’t remember what Latuda did for my actual mood, but it did help my thought process some. Had to stop taking it because it made my breasts grow three sizes. Some of your post made me giggle. I am very sorry about your troubles. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the right cocktail. Your husband is definitely a blessing for you.


  2. So sorry about your cousin. Death is unpleasant at the best of times, even when expected. Suicide is a whole different kettle of fish. I keep hearing the term “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. But this expression implied that at some point the feelings that drive people to take their own life will abate, with or without the aid of medication.
    As for your hubby, he is with you and you are happy. He accepts you the way you are and understands. If he did not he would surely be out of there. Try not to dwell on the past too much. Think about what you can change and not what you cannot.


  3. first-time visitor … What-ifs are tough on me, and I think on other people with bipolar depression. “Don’t dwell on the past” is good advice, but dwelling on past mistakes and decisions is something I do too often. I get stuck in my head, and I start questioning everything I have done, including getting married, having kids, wondering what I would have been with another person, wishing I had done something differently, etc. I hope you can avoid dwelling on the past, and I will try also.


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