ack!

I thought that it was going to be a big miracle thing. All it had accomplished was making me feel like everything is wrong with the world. Nothing feels right. I did not go Monday and I don’t think I will return to it.

I have a hard enough time feeling at peace in the world. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was finally starting to feel that way before I decided to go and zap my brain. I didn’t nt to return after the first time but I allowed people to make me feel bad about the choice of stopping instead of being true to myself.

I’m ok with this choice. I am going to go see my therapist and shrink on Friday and see what I can do medicinally. I’m open to a lot more things now. I’ve haven’t been doing my blogs like I should and that makes me sad. I don’t want to miss out on my writing or my support. I need that more than anything else.

I’m bored! I’m wandering around the house. I am wandering the web. I can’t find anything to do. How am I supposed to keep myself amused for the next few days. I’m trying to figure out not only what to do with myself now but as a career.. I need to become something.

I know I am super unstable. Working traditional means is just is not going to fly with me. I don’t want to go back to be a phone sex operator though. The money was good but it made me feel bad about myself. I do want to make money though. I would like to be able to at least support some of my habits without hubby having to worry. He works really hard and deserves not to stress about me and my hobbies and collections.

So I’m thinking, and I’m wandering and I’m seriously bored because I can’t find anything. *sigh*

I don’t want to a be a grown woman with an allowance. That’s what is going to happen when we get the house though if I don’t find a some sort of income.. oh well.. I suppose I have some time.

I need to draw more, I need to paint more.. maybe I’ll be good. *shrug*

Not a good day.