I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be thrilled that we are closing in 3 days. I’m supposed to finally be able to relax.
I’m so stressed out. The whatif’s are killing me. What if we can’t get to the closing? What if we don’t find out what the check we are supposed to bring is? What if there is bad weather and it messes everything up?
That and a whole bunch more sillier smaller things that are just constantly keeping my mind in constant rotation. It won’t fucking shut up, it’s just thrumming with whatif’s.
It’s made today a not so great day.
I forced myself to go out for dinner though even though I want to curl up in fetal postition and hide. I have to keep pushing myself.
Maybe tomorrow will be calmer but tonight I am going to seek out my husbands arms and let him hold me until I sleep or cry/
The house smells like Christmas, the lights have gone up and the tree is standing. MIL is cooking a spiral ham and it just has a nice warm feel to it. I’m surprised usually anything christmasy makes me a little sad to downright depressed.
It seems I might have come out of my depressive state. (I hate saying it cause I feel like it jinx’s me) Hubby and I went to the house and took our dogs. We let them off leash and they ran around enjoying having so much space to run in. It was absolutely adorable.
I did wake up grumpy this morning, but that seems to be my usual waking state. I’m not a morning person. By the time I fully open my eyes a gazillion thoughts have ran through my head and it usually just makes me want to stay in bed. It’s those whatif’s and oh gods..
I seriously thought this morning I couldn’t go through another day like every other day, yet my mood picked up and it has been fairly happy. *shrug* I don’t get why my brain thinks that way it does, I just know that it is my worst enemy and I need to fight it every day. Today I won. Yesterday I won. I wonder how tomorrow will go….
As you know I am the What If Queen. I am always wondering what would happen or what should happen.
What will happen if they build the people’s house down the road faster? That’s my new one. We bought ours first, got the for sale sign first and even had our name thingy first. Today even though they were working on our lot they had finished preparing theirs first.
They are now identical. I mean we completely designed out house. We could have picked some fancier items, or harder to install things and they may get into their house first. They havent even gotten to the framing yet but this is stressing me out.
What if I can create a charity? Will I be able to handle all that might entail? I asked my husband to help me do research on who I want to give the money to. What do I want to support, mental health or just bipolarity. I have time to figure it all out.
I never believed that bipolars could accomplish anything. I thought I was doomed to failure all my life. Reading other bipolars blogs have made me believe I can do good things with my life and I can accomplish things. I will fail from time to time but I have to keep trying.
I can’t get rid of it, so I need to learn to live successfully with it.
So far the not taking anything is going ok. I am not having any weird withdrawal from the Lithium. I am still getting weepy once in a while but that started before I stopped taking it and may be more linked to my depression. Maybe I’m just feeling things, who knows.
I went out for a walk around the block by myself it’s about a mile and it seemed longer while I was walking it. I had on my iPhone listening to applause by Lady GaGa. It made me walk like a runway model. On the outside I would appear perfectly normal to people. On the inside well I am always fighting with myself as long I don’t start arguing with myself I am good lol.
It’s a beautiful day, I plan to go to the beach later, hopefully at sunset to get some nice pictures. I am really proud of myself for going out. It’s hard every time I take a step out of that door but I know it will get easier in time with practice.
The positive thing about being off of drugs is that I can have GRAPEFRUIT!!!I have missed it so much. It interacts with everything so to be able to sit down with a half a grapefruit and a spoon will be positively delightful. I am picking some up tonight!
Friday hubby found out he is going to have to go out of town on the 11th-13th. I’m not happy about it. I’m stressed out about it. What if something happens to me emotionally. What if I have a breakdown? What if, what if?
I’ll deal with it though. I will post on my blog and remember that I am not truly alone. What a bad time to run out of weed.. but what are you going to do right?
I thought this very thought today, mid afternoon on a Sunday. Reminded me of the song from the 80’s. The only thing in common though is the hate of Mondays.
I get two full days a week with my husband and then the week starts all over again. Instead of enjoying the rest of our Sunday I started getting bummed out about the fact I would go for a full week sitting alone in the apartment, bored out of my head, likely still feeling crappy.
I tend to always be looking far along the line instead of just enjoying the moment. What a horrible way to spend ones life. I know this but yet I still can’t stop myself from doing it.
I remember when I was un-medicated and could often just go with the flow and be spontaneous. Course this also used to get me in a lot of trouble. I wish there could be an in between that would work for me.
I’ve have already been stressed since Weds. Hubby told me in the morning that the bosses had ok’d the Omaha move and then later when he came home said he had something to tell me he didn’t want me to worry about. The bosses wanted to contact him Monday with the specifics/details. I hate the company he works for and don’t trust them as far as I can spit. So I’ve been worried that they are going to find some way to screw him/thus me around.
I went from being excited to twitchy and tight. I feel like I’ve been working out.
I know that even if we do go back to Omaha I will be worried about something happening to one of us before then. Omaha has been the closest place I ever felt like was a home to me.. I don’t know why. I think it is probably because it’s the longest I stayed in one place. I keep having horrible things popping into my head.. The damn What If’s might literally be the figurative death of me.
So ya that’ll be my Monday, no damned fun.. Hopefully the specifics are good.