medication

So Many Canvases

Michaels is having a sale buy 3 canvases for the price of 1. I love it. I love knowing that I can explore my mind on canvas.

Lately I have wanted to paint more than I have wanted to write and I’ve wanted to paint something pretty instead of creepy or weird. I don’t know what is going on with my mind.

Lately I have really wanted to smoke some pot and just chill but no one shares anymore. Being practically a shut in doesn’t give you much chance to meet other smokers either.

It would make a lot of things Bette that is for sure…

Grapefruit!!!

So far the not taking anything is going ok. I am not having any weird withdrawal from the Lithium. I am still getting weepy once in a while but that started before I stopped taking it and may be more linked to my depression. Maybe I’m just feeling things, who knows.

I went out for a walk around the block by myself it’s about a mile and it seemed longer while I was walking it. I had on my iPhone listening to applause by Lady GaGa. It made me walk like a runway model. On the outside I would appear perfectly normal to people. On the inside well I am always fighting with myself as long I don’t start arguing with myself I am good lol.

It’s a beautiful day, I plan to go to the beach later, hopefully at sunset to get some nice pictures. I am really proud of myself for going out. It’s hard every time I take a step out of that door but I know it will get easier in time with practice.

The positive thing about being off of drugs is that I can have GRAPEFRUIT!!! I have missed it so much. It interacts with everything so to be able to sit down with a half a grapefruit and a spoon will be positively delightful.  I am picking some up tonight!

Friday hubby found out he is going to have to go out of town on the 11th-13th. I’m not happy about it. I’m stressed out about it. What if something happens to me emotionally. What if I have a breakdown? What if, what if?

I’ll deal with it though. I will post on my blog and remember that I am not truly alone. What a bad time to run  out of weed.. but what are you going to do right?

Goooo Grapefruit.

Empowerment

servingI’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.

I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body,  I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.

I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need.  I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in.  Screw that.

I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.

That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.  I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.

Stopping the Lithium

I am just getting more and more physically ill. This morning I actually threw up and frankly that is the last damn straw.  Yes I am bipolar 1 and bat shit crazy but I would rather feel decent physically so I can concentrate on my mental health. I called the shrink and told him that I wanted off and I told my husband. My husband fully supports me going off it, he has seen my health declining and my mood still not where it is supposed to be.

Maybe now they will consider the ECT, if not I’ll wait until I get to Omaha and get a new pdoc. I promised hubby if I start to feel off I would let him know and we could discuss me going to the hospital if it gets bad. (which terrifies me but may be necessary). I’m frustrated with all these meds. I’m tired of always feeling like I am on the edge of some kind of bodily accident. *shudder*

I was going to post about a subject my husband and I were talking about last night. Actually it just sort of popped up as we were getting home from my picture taking. My therapy and need to deal with my past. I never really think about it bugging me. I have no problems mentioning the things that have happened and I am sure talking to a therapist they will figure out how to make it cathartic during therapy.

My husband said to me I’ve seen the way your family treats you now and I know that it was worse before, just from that you need some therapy. I suppose he’s right. I can talk about all the horrible things that have happened to me with indifference. That is probably not the healthy choice. I would not be surprised if I didn’t have some PTSD from the sexual abuses, rapes, physical assaults etc. I think I’ve just put up some kind of very thick skin about it rather than deal with it.

There’s a reason I have borderline personality disorder right? I am really looking forward to getting to the bottom of it.