Exhausted and Nervous

I’m really too tired to come up with a great blog post. I go to my ECT consultation tomorrow and I am nervous and excited.

The weekend was nice the first night we slept close to 10 hours, last night I barely got 4 though.. There was thunder storms and I was terrified.

Anyhow off to bed, will be more writey tomorrow.

I’m Just A Mess

I’m over sensitive I am crying at the drop of the hat and I don’t feel like posting.

Turns out I missed a call from the ECT people yesterday and now I have to wait until Monday.. So fucking frustrated don’t even want to post..

I mean fuck!

I’m depressed, I’m stressed and I’m fucking impatient. Stupid.

I did take some cute pics today though, I had moments of happiness.. just me and hubby being silly in nature.

Day One – Already Annoyed

Well imagine a hypo-manic person talking who isn’t you when you just have 3 long days of driving. Plus they aren’t really hypo-manic but just wont stop talking.  Then you 10 pound yorkie attacks a fricken over weight border collie. Seriously off to a fun start.

Only 2 months 30+ days to go. I know I should be grateful that I am staying here at the mom-in-laws but it is already overwhelming and for some unknown reason she decided it would be a great week next week to have Jim’s aunt and husband, jims father and his sister with the four kids and ex hubby over. My god, I don’t think that is enough to drink in the world.

Going from being exposed to basically one person on a day to day basis to staying in a house with 4 other adults seems so scary. I don’t feel like I am going to have anywhere to hide.

Speaking of hiding my dear husband is doing a wonderful job of doing just that.

I feel like I have no where to turn and have to either stay in the bedroom with my husband or be polite because the man has no fricken manners. I am kind of pissed at him right now can you tell.

I’m just pissed in general I don’t know what to do with myself. I can just feel the anger building.  I feel like the hulk. Colleen SMASH!

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Self Portrait


The Princess and the Pea

helovesmeTook me a while to post today because everything is pissing me off. Creating pissed me off, my dogs are pissing me off, EVERYTHING is pissing me off. Even my husband is pissing me off and he is also as usual making me insecure. The first part he is well aware of and possibly even enjoying a little. I’m so stressed out and he can’t stop being a prick. Normally he is awesome. I am over sensitive but OMFG he is just bitching and moaning about everything when really I would like to just stress about what is going on now instead of 5 weeks from now. Then complaining he is not allowed to be stressed out. Of course he is, but can I seriously just kind of get my meds under some kind of control before you push me over the edge dude. I rarely complain about him because he is my angel but today I just want to punch him in the face. I know it is even unrealistic anger  but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it from my head all the way down to my toes. Like if I don’t hurt something I am going to explode. Thrumming I like to call it.

I know it is chemical changes but it makes me feel like a horrible person.

Last night while trying to fall asleep I was seeing and hearing things and terrified to get out of my bed. I could feel every loose thread and hair. I seriously am really fighting the urge to shave my head so fucking much. I hate it right now. I hate short hair, god I hate everything. I couldn’t fall asleep of course because apparently I am never going to sleep again. Makes me want to get drunk, but I know that is a no-no with the lithium.

I did find some things to do though which was nice for a change. Logged into crunchyroll and watched a new anime. That killed a few hours since I was behind on it. Eventually I sort of dozed off into REM. I don’t mean to bitch but I really need to sometimes. Things are imperfect, they always will be. I get to write and I get to go outside and I get to live. Which honestly is better than all the alternatives.